Sacred Eves

Let me just start by saying my wife is not a Hooters restaurant fan. So December 23, we were driving to the mall to buy a Christmas gift or two. On the way, we drove past a Hooters establishment where the parking lot was pretty full. So my wife says in disgust, "I can't believe these people would go to Hooters on Christmas Eve Eve!"

Now, the point of this story is not whether or not your should go to Hooters. The point of this story is that my wife created a new holiday: Christmas Eve Eve. If it is that easy to make the day before a holiday its own special day, like Christmas Eve, then why not keep adding "Eves" until you get to December 26, almost a full year before Christmas? That way, every day would be a little more special. My wife's instinct to come up with some crazy reason to have more distaste towards the patrons at Hooters might actually be the greatest idea ever said by a person in my car in the last week or so.

I'm Not Gonna Lie

It's the Christmas season, so I would like to take a moment to talk about something I am thankful for. I am thankful that so many people say, "I'm not gonna lie," before they say stuff. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago before people did this, but it was a more complicated time. You never knew if the person you were talking to was lying to you.

Suppose you were at a restaurant. Your friend orders and then eats a piece of cake for dessert. A few years ago, the friend might say, "I really liked that cake." But was he telling the truth? How can you tell?

What if he was lying!!?!!??

Well, now your friend might say, "I'm not gonna lie. That was some good cake!" There is no question that he liked the cake now. You can rest easy knowing he's not lying to you.

So the next time you hear the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" or some variation of it, just smile and be thankful that the person talking is a straight shooter who isn't full of it. You know he's not full of it because he just told you. And you can't put a price tag on that. It's not like shoes or a tie or perhaps some canned meat. You can put a price tag on all of those things and it would make sense. No, it is words, and you might be able to write them on some paper and then put a price tag on the paper, but you know, if you're just saying them and not doing that then you can't put a price tag on them, because that is impossible.

Am I being sarcastic, though? Do I really like it when people say this, or does it really annoy me? Do I think people say it way too much, and I actually think it is stupid? Well, I'm not gonna lie, so I guess I just won't tell you.

About Me - Nickname

I have always wished my nickname was "Stallion."

More Clarifying

There are some things in that last post I need to clear up, before all you silly readers kill a poor defenseless pup. Some of you have asked me to do your children's birthday parties, but I'm not really a mime you bunch of non-smarties. It was just a silly rhyme, I can do them on a dime! I admit that I am not actually good at miming, or half competent at climbing, and I have an ogre's skill at timing. You see, I was really merely rhyming, and I am quite accomplished at... ah forget it.

Another Clarification

I need to clarify the latest post, and be a good host. A number of you poor sops have contacted me about my climbing chops . Please don't react in stiff anger, just 'cause I ain't Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. I must admit that I am not actually good at climbing, or even good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I use hands and facial expressions when miming.

Clarification

I need to clarify the last thing I said, like a head in a bed. A number of you have contacted me about my "timing" skills and tried to get me to help you with different deals. I must admit that I am not actually good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I am still awesome at climbing.

I Rhyme

I am really good at rhyming, just like I'm good at timing.

The Hardest Thing

Just about the most difficult task you could undertake is to try to fetch something deep in your jean pocket while you are sitting down.

Straight Walkin' Mike

People call me Straight Walkin' Mike. This is because I walk in straight lines everywhere, even if it means walking on grass instead of a sidewalk.

Hollywood Love

I was watching Scrubs reruns a couple of weeks ago, and I realized why marriages never work in Hollywood. One character Turk says to his girlfriend Carla that old cliche about how she annoys him to no end, but he loves her so much. You see it all the time in movies and on TV, where the characters annoy and frustrate each other so much, but they also love each other so gall durn much that they just have to get together in the end and live happily ever after. The Hollywood crowd seems to think that if you aren't getting on each other's nerves, then you probably aren't in love. They are very confused about what a healthy relationship looks like. The rest of America knows that when someone gets on your nerves, instead of marrying them, you generally avoid them. I can't think of a friend of mine who has had the moronitude to try to stick through a relationship where the two people annoy each other all the time. I think if some people in Hollywood would read this, a lot of divorces down the road wouldn't happen. If they just realize that it's alright to marry someone you get along with and generally a bad idea to marry someone you don't get along with, their divorce rate wouldn't be 99.999 percent.

Mick E. Dees

A few weeks ago outside of the McDonald's in town, there was a sign that said, "McDonald's Salutes The Best Employees In America." I think I will let you all just enjoy that statement, because there really is no need for an added joke or explanation or anything like that.

Fine, just one joke: What's next, a strip club putting up a sign that says something like, "The Booby Trap Is Proud To Employ Only College Graduates," or perhaps Saturday Night Live with an advertisement that says, "We Only Hire Writers And Actors Who Are Funny."

Fine, two jokes: I hope it didn't take the "Best Employees In America" as long to put up that sign honoring themselves as it did to get me my Big Mac meal that same week. And for those counting, that would be 14 minutes.

Okay, I'm done.

Favorites

My favorite bird name is the whooping crane. My favorite bird, however, is the golden eagle.

Pockets

The best thing about cold weather is the extra pockets. In hot weather, my keys, phone, Ipod, chapstick, spare change, and whatever else gets shoved into my two measely shorts pockets. But cold weather is like a Pocket Wonderland with the bonus jacket compartments. October should be renamed Pocketober.

About Me - Envelopes

I like to push the envelope. I also like to pull the parcel. The post office just wishes I would carry both of them out of their facility in a normal manner and not make such a scene.

Let Them Eat Cake

I just saw a commercial for a period movie called Marie Antoinette, and at the end, the voice over dude said, "Based on a true story." No crap. Man, things are really getting ridiculous around here. The sad thing is that there are probably a good number of people who say, "Oh really?" at the end of that commercial instead of "How stupid do you think I am?"

Luck Of The Irish

I was on the bus the other week, an older guy with a thick Irish accent started talking to a younger American dude. I could tell from the start the American was a bit of a tool. So they were chatting, and the Irish guy said his daughter was at school in Norfolk. The younger American dude asked where that was, which to me is pretty close to being a dumb question right there. The Irish guy said, "Virginia." And then the moron from Alabama said, "Oh, is that where you are from originally?" I was sitting in front of them, and my jaw just dropped. That truly is one of the top 7 or so dumbest questions I have ever heard. It's the sort of thing that you see in movies and kind of roll your eyes because people aren't that dumb in real life. The Irish man was a bit taken aback, and he said,"Uh, no. I'm from Ireland." And the young American moron said, "Oh." I can understand messing up and wondering if he was from Scotland, or England, or even any European locale if the American just wasn't all that with it. But Virginia? Did he really think that Virginians had that sort of accent? There is no excuse for that one.

Will Kick Shins For Hats

When I was a kid, I was always jealous of those cool kids who could bend their hat bills just right. I spent a great deal of time trying to perfect the bill bend. But I would either bend it to a pointed crease, not bend it enough, or bend it unevenly or something like that. If I ever did get it close to looking right, it would look crappy again by the next morning. So I would see dudes with cool looking hats, and I wanted to kick them in the shins and take their hats with their sweet bills. Of course, the problem all along was probably my funky oblong head, but I'd rather point my anger to the elementary/middle school cool crowds with cool hats, because some of those cool guys still deserve a cool kick to their cool shins either way.

It Depends

My daughter relieves herself in her diaper. My wife and I keep trying to get her to use her little toilet, but she refuses. The more I think about it, I actually think she is the smarter one in this situation. I mean, she just does her business whenever she feels like it. She doesn't have to take a bathroom break ever. She never has to get up in the middle of a movie. She never has to leave the dinner table.The more I think about it, why do we ever get out of diapers? I know you are thinking "Because it is gross to go in your pants," but if we all did it that way, would it still be so gross? I think I am going to go buy some adult diapers and try this whole thing out. Someone has got to be the leader on this thing

Those Daredevils

I was watching some motocross trick jumping thing the other day, and it got me thinking: How the heck do you practice those tricks? I compare it to my own experiences learning how to flip and do other stuff off a diving board. Whenever I tried to learn a new dive, I would "bust" at least 5 or 6 times before I could get it right. That is fine when you are jumping a couple of feet into water, but it seems to me that it would not be very safe when jumping 40 feet in the air on a motorcycle. What happens when you chicken out right after you jump like I did on so many gainers? The worst thing that would happen to me was falling on the side of my face and getting an ear ache. I guess a lot of motocross people just die. That's why there's that saying within the motocross community, "A motocross rider who doesn't have big balls and isn't really gutsy dies because he will chicken out while doing a trick, and those with guts will die because they will over-rotate their first time trying a new trick, so basically all motocross riders die trying a new trick." That saying has been criticized as being too long and wordy, but people said the same thing about Moby Dick. This fits, because a good metaphor for people trying new tricks on motorcycles is Captain Ahab trying to kill a whale with a sharp metal stick while only having the use of one leg.

You Tool Belt!

People used to just say the word "tool" when they were making fun of others. But now, people often call someone a "tool bag." If it's that easy to come up with a new cutdown, I think I will try one myself. My variation: "tool belt." I have already started calling people this. It narrowly won a runoff in my own head, beating out "tool box," "tool shed," "toolbar," and "Matt." I may still use any one of these whenever "tool belt" gets old. That is usually judged as the time it starts getting used on Nickelodeon shows. You always have to stay ahead in this kind of business, or you will get left behind.

Bath Tissue

I was in the grocery store the other day, and I saw an aisle that had a label above it that read "Bath Tissue." I thought it was funny, because no one ever calls it bath tissue. It's toilet paper. I guess that stores don't want to have the word "toilet" written anywhere in the store. I tell you what though, if I am ever in charge of labeling at a grocery store, then first of all, it means my life has gone horribly wrong. But if I am in that position, I will make a sign that reads "Butt Wiping Paper," because about as many people call it butt wiping paper as ones who call it bath tissue. I think people will appreciate the more accurate term.

We also all call restrooms "bathrooms," even when they only have a toilet. Are we that scared of saying, "toilet"? Or are people taking baths in their toilets now? I guess if they are doing that, then they probably have to use the bathtub as a toilet, in which case the bath tissue sign from earlier is actually accurate. I guess it all adds up in the end.

Easy Target

When people say something that they think is really deep, a good thing to reply is, "That's not deep. That's stupid." This generally embarrasses them, even if what they had to say wasn't stupid, because when you try to say deep stuff, you are pretty vulnerable. Ripe for the pickin', I tell ya.

Parental Love

My parents used to tell me they loved me even more and more each day. They also told my brother and sister that. In addition, they told us all that they loved each one of us the same amount. Older and wiser now, I realize what this entails. My sister was about three years older than me. If my parents loved us both more and more each day, that would mean they loved me more at the time of my birth than they loved her at the time of her birth. She would have a three year head start on me, so when I was born, if they both loved us equally right away, then that means they loved me as much as they loved her after three years of increasing love. So basically, when I was a newborn, they were more attached to me than they were to my newborn sister three years before.

I will not get into the implications this has on how much they might have loved me compared to my younger brother.

I'm A Hip Jedi

A good exercise to do is to say, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force," even if you didn't feel anything. It's always funny to see how many other people say, "I felt it, too," just so it doesn't look like you are more in tune with the Force than they are.

The Map Legend

Amerigo Vespucci was the first real Map Legend in my book. I'll bet that the key on a map describing how far in real miles an inch on the map represents and which way is north and whatever else was probably supposed to be named after him. However, since his name is so long and funky and hard to spell (I had to look it up myself), they just call it a Map Legend. But I think the Vespucci family understands that it's nothing personal, and they are still thankful for the small gesture.

Why I Am Non-Shortbus Special

Lately, I have been lying on my back and putting both legs into my pants at the same time. I am totally going to call out the next guy who tries to pull that one leg at a time crap on me. Don't try and confine me to a box of what you think all people should be like. I am special. I am really going to make a fool of someone. How will the person even respond to that? You can't. You will just look stupid for your assumption. That is why it has been said that when you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "mption."

A tip?? A TIP!!??

The option to give a tip at a place where you are not waited on by a server bothers me. I've seen it at delis, burrito joints, barbecue joints, chicken finger joints, and pita joints. You order, give them your Visa, get your receipt back to sign, and there it is: a line for the tip and another for the new total. Or it could be in the form of a "tip jar" sitting next to the register. Now see here all you food joint managers: just because it costs more than fast food doesn't mean you get a tip. You have to actually do some kind of subservient duty, like parking cars or carrying baggage or coming to people's tables asking if they need refills. Quit being so greedy. You are already charging 8 bucks for a burrito. Cut me some slack, jack.

One day I am going throw over the tip jar, watch it shatter on the floor, and drive out that brood of vipers with a whip. Better yet, one day I am going to put "$-1.00" for the tip and then write the subtracted sum on the total part. I would then get a cheaper meal, because that is what they deserve for trying to guilt me into giving them a tip for manning the cash register.

I Don't Care If You Think They Are Funny

Ridonculous and ginormous are stupid words, and I have never found the use of either to be the least bit amusing.

The Dream I Had

This is the dream I had: I was on a boat. We were watching a documentary on snakes. It said "For this much air, a snake needs this much water to survive," and it had a little diagram that showed how much water a snake needed for the amount of air it lived in. This of course doesn't make any sense.

Then it cut to a guy being interviewed Discovery Channel style and he said "That is why it is so good to have sharks around when your are scuba diving," which i guess is because the sharks scare away the snakes. I don't know exactly though, because he didn't explain. Then, we walked outside on the boat and the captain was like "Here we are. We have to salvage the wreckage of this ship we are over right now..." and then boom! the whole boat shook. We had accidently run over the ship! We all realized there must be a hole in the ship, and we were going to sink right into snake infested water. Then, I woke up, which was disappointing because I would liked to see how I was going to get out of that mess!

Anyways, watch out for snakes.

Being Careful

I think you should be careful when using the term "snail mail" in front of people you don't know, because you might be in the midst of a mailman. And we all know how offended a mailman gets when you refer to his life's work as "snail mail." They always say something like, "I'd like to see you try to think of a better way," or, "But it's so hard with all these dogs out to get us!" or,"Oh yeah?! I'd like to see a snail drive a funky car with the steering wheel on the wrong side for 8 hours a day!" All you can really say is, "Sorry. You know, just compared to the modern electronic means, it is kind of slow." Then you just hope it is not the type of mailman that will come into your work shooting the next day. In fact, as a rule I generally wear my kevlar vest and protective lab goggles for a few days whenever I offend a mailman. You can never be too careful.

Snapping

If you ever see me snapping with both hands to some sort of sweet beat, look and listen a little closer. Are you really hearing two separate snaps? No, you're not. I can only snap with my right hand. The left hand merely fake snaps. Fooled you, though.

Double Fines

Sometimes, something interesting happens. Such as seeing a "Double Fines Ended" sign come out of nowhere when you are driving. It happens to me from time to time. I see the sign and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, yippee, double fines have ended! On the other hand, man, I didn't even know that double fines had begun! Where the heck was that first sign??!! Boy, that was a close one. Phew! Oh man, oh boy.

Simply The Best

Hands down, I think the greatest moment in T.V. history is when Steve Urkel visited the gang at Step by Step. TGIF really peaked at this point. I mean, Jaleel White with Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Summers? How many heavy hitters can you pack into just 30 minutes? Thank goodness Steve lost control of his homemade rocketeer jet pack, otherwise this might not have ever happened. And I ask you, what would the world be like then?

Inspiration Via Posters

One of the things I like about the job I have this summer is the new variety of posters with a message in the workplace. In a normal job, you have posters that say things like, "Diversity: Good For All Of Us," or "Sexual Harrassment Is Bad All The Time," or "If You Can Lean, You Can Clean." Well, since I am working on an Army Base, there are signs that discourage spying. I think that is pretty cool. One has a picture of handcuffs, and it says, "Espionage Is A Sure Bet: You Will Lose Everything." Another one has a picture of some dude behind bars, and it says "Espionage is crime that not only destroys your future... it destroys your past. Earl Pitts 1997. " Chilling.

Of course, I doubt that these posters actually make a difference. I don't know if some dude makes a deal with the Russians for millions of dollars to give them some high-tech info, and on the way out sees a sign saying espionage is bad, and then says to himself, "Well, crap. I know the money is good, but that poster is right. Espionage is naughty and shame on me for thinking about doing it." The guy would then put the stuff back and then go tell the General what he did and how he is sorry. The General would then probably tell him that he should be in big trouble, but he values the dude's honesty, so he would let it slide this time. After all, it seems that the dude already learned his lesson. Then the would-be spy would probably walk out and see the diversity poster that says "The Human Race: Different Strokes For Different Folks. Love Everybody." He would then go out and hug the first person of a different ethnicity that he sees. Then, that ethnic person would feel so loved that he would have to hug someone else, thus starting a love chain reaction that will bring the world to peace. You see, inspirational posters do work!

Befuddling Directions

Here is a good way to really confuse a guy. First, walk up to him. Then, slap him in the face and say, "That's for my mother!" Then punch him in the stomach and say, "That's for my sister!" Finally, drop kick him in the throat and say, "That's for Smokey the Gimp, you worthless dolt!" And then run away. But don't run away in a normal way, run like those college marching band leaders run out onto the football field, where you kick your legs up and lean way back.

About Me - My Rope Collection

I like to show people the ropes.

Things Learned In Dover

So the last two weeks, I was working in good old Dover, Delaware. I met a Canadian who said "eh"(is that how you spell that? Pronounced like the letter 'a' and used at the ends of sentences) and "aboot" (English=About). I only talked to him for aboot 2 minutes, and he said both of those totally cliche Canadianisms. He made me happy. I also realized that I have not actually met many Canadians. In fact, he is the only one I can think of. Kind of funny; they may be our neighbor to the North, but down south we just don't see them all that much.

Of course, the World Cup has also been going on the last two weeks. And like always, I enjoy watching it, but I am reminded why that sport will never really capture my heart. The thing that bothers me aboot it is that every time someone is fouled or knocked over or whatever, they stay on the ground and writhe in pain. It drives me crazy. Then, after the penalty is called, they get up, shake their head like they are trying to get the cobwebs out, and then they are fine. It reminds me of professional wrestling more than anything else. I was watching the final today, and this guy barely got tapped, and there he was on the grown, kicking and screaming. Literally, he was holding his head and screaming, while kicking the ground like a two year old who didn't get his way. What's wrong with their dad's? Did they not teach their boys that they are wusses if they show pain? My dad would say "Suck it up." Soccer players' fathers say, "Milk that for all it's worth, even if you aren't hurt, because you will get attention." What a bunch of pansies. I'll bet they all cried in Titanic, too.

Two Weeks Notice (Continued)

...the last post is a cliffhanger.

Two Week Notice

Being in the Air National Guard, I am about to leave to serve my country for two weeks. For these weeks, I will not have access to a computer, and thus I will not be able to add anything to my blog. That being said, I think it is important that

In My Free Time

Sometimes I like to search my apartment for secret passage ways. You know, move a book here, twist a light fixture there, stuff like that. I haven't found one yet.

Other times, if the weather is nice, I like to go outside and search for buried treasure (I also keep an eye open for secret hidden caves). This really annoys my neighbors, though, when my search carries over to their yards. Besides, most of America's buried treasure has already been recovered. That's why most of the time, I just search for secret passages.

Elevators

If I was ever in charge of wiring elevators, I would switch the "Keep Door Open" and "Close Door" wires so that whichever button you push, the elevator would do the opposite. Man, that would really annoy people. Someone would be like "Hold that elevator," and then they'd see you jamming a button as the door closed. They'd think you were some kind of jerk. And then there'd be the person late for work, frantically trying to push the button to close the door, but instead he just sits there with the door wide open, yelling at it to close. Perfect.

And while we are all thinking about elevators, here is another thing. I was getting on an elevator the other day, and two of the people getting on with me dragged their hands across the sliding door opening. I thought it was funny, because you used to do that on old elevators if more people were getting on. The door would start sliding until it hit something, then it would go back. The hand slide was a preventive measure. But nowadays, elevators use lasers and stuff to sense things getting on. People, you don't have to drag your hands anymore. Let your shackles of hand dragging fall off and just allow the laser to do its job.

Jelly Beans

If you are eating jelly beans, never reach your hand blindly into the batch to pick a random one. You might get stuck with the licorice variety. That's basically my whole philosophy.

Candy

I was a little hungry at work the other day, so I went down to the snack machine to get a candy bar. I chose the Almond Joy by Hershey, because I don't normally get those and I was feeling dangerous. Well, there was some kind of contest on the wrapper where you look inside to see if you won. Of course I didn't win, but what I found was just as interesting. There was a message. This is what the message said:

"Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation."

Amazing. People nowadays are so fat that Hershey feels the need to print warnings on their products. It's like they are cigarettes or beer or something. People will be lining up to sue the candy companies before you know it. The Surgeon General will soon be demanding warnings on all candy bars. It's the apocalypse, baby.

Party Tip

If you are throwing a party but don't have a lot of money, there are some cheaper alternatives to the normal party decor. For example, instead of having a strobe light to create that great rave atmosphere, just ask your party guests to continuously blink their eyes. Go ahead and try it now. It works.

If you're reading this and you already bought a strobe light, well I guess you are feeling pretty stupid right now.

About Me - Best Qualities

I think some of my best qualities are my intangibles.

Smokes, Cocaine, And Other Sunday School Topics

There is a certain method that some parents use when they find their children with cigarrettes. The parents make the offending child smoke the whole pack at once or buy them a carton and make them smoke the whole thing. This of course makes them very sick, and their brains connect smoking with this sickness. From then on, through association the brain will not want them to smoke, and if they do it will be very unpleasant. The brain is cool that way.

That being said, I think it would be a really bad idea to make your children snort a ton of cocaine if you caught them with some. You shouldn't put down like 100 lines and say, "Now you snort every last one of these right now!" I mean, sure, it's creative, and yes, you would teach them a lesson, but that's a really expensive lesson.

Fish

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
Feed a man to a fish, and he will die.

Mr. Tuttle AND Mr. Dewey

In retrospect, Saved By The Bell: The College Years should have been called Saved By The Bell: The College Year since it only lasted one season.

And on that same note, who do you prefer? Hot Sundae or Zack Attack? "I'm So Excited" or "Friends Forever"? That is tough. Although Hot Sundae brought us classic Jessie "high" on caffeine pills, you can't really beat the up and down saga that is the Zack Attack story. Friends forever indeed.

Fire Alarm

There is a fire alarm lever I pass multiple times a day in the Aerospace Building. It just sits there. Never gets used. Just sitting there. Resting on the wall with the understanding that you can't pull it.

I swear, one day I will not be able to take it anymore, and I will pull that freggin alarm.

Laundry And Quarters And Birds

Last night, I decided to kill two birds with one stone. After I didn't find any birds, I decided to take the trash out and transfer some laundry into the drier in only one single trip. So due to that, I had 2 quarters in one hand and a huge sack of poop filled baby diapers in the other. I decided to do the trash first. So I walked to the dumpster, and wouldn't you know it, I almost threw in the quarters instead of the diapers! I then thought to myself about how it is funny that sometimes you do the wrong thing with the wrong hand and get all mixed up or whatever, and I called myself an idiot. But then I decided it would have been a lot worse if I had gone to do the laundry first and tried to put the dirty diaper sack in a coin slot. So I guess everything was ok.

Shaking Soft Drinks

A really funny thing to do that you might have forgotten about is to shake up someone's soft drink when they are not looking. It was funny when you first learned it as a five year old, but then it got old and immature, and you had to put it on hiatus. Well, you are now at that age where it is funny again, so proceed.

Cici's On The Bus

So on the bus today, this girl sits down next to me. I can tell she is wearing some sort of perfume, and it smells quite familiar. It takes a second to register, but she smells just like one of the dessert pizzas at Cici's. So I think to myself, "That's really weird. I didn't know Cici's was in the perfume business." But they are.

If I wasn't taken, I think a pretty good pick-up line would be, "Hey baby. You really smell like Cici's dessert pizza." And she'd probably say, "Ahh yes, it is called Cici de Toilette."And that would be that.

Middle Name

If you have two middle names, then you really don't have a middle name. Because to be in the middle, the way I see it, is to be surrounded equally on both sides. However, for each middle name, there will be one name to one side and then two on the other, thus ruining the balance. So, like our former president George Herbert Walker Bush, Herbert would not be the middle name, but the second name from the left. Walker would not be a middle name, but the second name from the right. Which serves these people right, because they are generally pretentious anyhow. I mean who gives their kid two middle names? Is one not good enough for your kid? Is your child too special to be restricted by just haveing three names? Do you just have so much rich family history that one middle name would not do the trick? It wouldn't send enough shout-outs to your relatives? Because if you do think this, then you are a tool, and the joke is on you, because your kid doesn't even have a middle name.

And if someone is even more pretentious and gives their kid five names, well, then that's just not fair, because then they have a middle name plus two just for giggles. At that point, the blue bloods win.

Restrooms

Despite popular myth, guys and girls bathrooms are not all that different. In the girl's bathrooms, there are no magic fountains, open bars, plasma TV's, free pogs, magical lamps, or any of the other things that are popularized in urban mythology today among men. And women, I assure you, there is nothing special about the men's room either, although I am obviously not in the loop when it comes to what you women might be whispering to each other. How do I know these things? Because in my job, occasionally I must clean the women's bathroom. The only difference is the availability of urinals in the men's room. There is no conspiracy. Just let it go.

Mu Alpha Theta!

In high school, I was in the Mu Alpha Theta math club. Late in the year, there was a state-wide competition where all the MAT clubs would convene and do math problems. Of course, my high school was no match for White Station, who had quite a few international students who were math-a-holics. In fact, we were no match for most everyone else, as we were hanging around at the bottom of the pack. The scores were kept on a wall on a big poster type thing, where all the schools' scores in each round were written in marker big enough so that everyone in the huge room could read them from anywhere. So as we were leaving, having been destroyed by the other schools, I decided to go up and write a few 9's in front of all our scores with the marker. This of course ruined the whole board for everyone, and the head of the competition came over and started yelling at me, so I ran away and jumped in our bus. Luckily, everyone else was in, and I made a clean getaway, because the old hag chasing me was not in good enough shape to track me in the bus.

And these actions could have potentially made be cool, but unfortunately I did them while in a math club. So that pretty much negates anything cool about any of it. I am now embarrassed for even sharing this story.

Anchors Away

I love the awkward pause that news anchors or reporters have every once in awhile when they are cutting to another segment, but the next segment is a little slow getting there. All they can do is sit there and stare at the camera. Sometimes they might shuffle paper or look down, but you know they're not doing anything. It just always brings a smile to may face. It happens a lot when you are watching a TV show, and it is right before the show is going to come back on. The local anchor says something like, "Columbus man arrested for feeding blind grandmother live mice, this story and more at 11:00".............. and then nothing.... just sitting there, staring, praying the camera will turn off. It's the little things that make life worthwhile.

The White Crayon

Who invented the white crayon? What the heck is the point of that thing? Has anyone ever actually used the white crayon? That thing doesn't show up on the paper at all. Whenever a box of crayons is purchased, all the other crayons get used up and the white crayon is completely intact. I know what some of you may be thinking: What if you have to color on a piece of construction paper or some other non-white paper? Well, the white crayon still stinks, and we all know it. I wonder who invented it. I'll bet the other crayons had been made for awhile, and the dude was like "Eureka! I figured out how to make it white!" Then, all his scientist friends were all like, "Yeah, we've all known how to make it, but there's just really no point, because no one will ever use it." Then, the first guy would think the others were just jealous and continue to make white crayons, but the others really just knew the one guy was a moron.

Shocks

Man, I tell you what. I shock myself all the time in my office. And it's because of this static generator known as a "couch" that I often sit on in there. Whenever I get up, I can feel the charge. Sometimes I forget about it, though. I know one time I got up and touched the mouse on my computer, and boy o' boy! That one could've killed me. It's the worst when someone knocks on the door, because I just know I am screwed. I have just suck it up and open the door handle. BZZT!

Shocking wasn't always such a fun-free endeavor. When I was a senior in high school, there was this metal ball in physics class that would shock the willy nilly out of ya when you touched it. Man, it hurt. But it turns out it could be made into a pretty good weapon. Once you touch it and take your shock, you yourself can shock those who walk by by merely touching your finger to them. The only problem is that there was only an outlet at the back of the room. So, being the leader of men that I am, I had the whole class make a big hand-in-hand chain that could reach from the metal ball to the hallway. Kind of like a love-train where everyone is holding hands in a chain as a plea for peace, except we were holding hands so we could hurt people. So the bell would ring, tons of people would walk by, and I would shock them all. Man that was great. I even shocked my own freshman brother. People would try to dodge me, but they couldn't. The hall was too small. I felt like Earnest P Worrell must have felt like in Earnest Goes To Jail, where he gets the electric chair but instead of dying, he has the power to shoot electricity. It hurt just as bad for me as it did for them, but seeing people's faces really made up for it. And may Earnest rest in peace. Amen.

Holding It

I think when you have homework due very soon, it is good to try to hold in your urine for as long as possible while you work on it. The positive side of this is two-fold: you don't waste time going to the restroom, and the need to go adds to the sense of urgency you are feeling. You know, it just adds a little kick to your step. Now I'm not saying you should hold it until you get a bladder infection or something, just try and press the envelope as much as possible. You will be surprised at what you can get done when your brain is in its heightened alert 'I really need to pee now!' stage (notice I am still in single quote mode). Kind of like those ADD medications, just cheaper.

Quotation Fingers

You know the quotation fingers? Like when you are saying something in quotes, so you hold up your middle and pointer fingers and flex them up and down? Well, last week I decided that I would open the quote, but not finish. I did this by only contracting my fingers once instead of twice, which is the common thing to do. So in essence, until I decide to close the quotes, when I say something in quotes I only contract my pointer fingers, so that I am only using single quotation marks.

So basically, instead of saying: Brock Jacobson said, "The yelow pigments gave me herpes," I am motioning: Brock Jacobson said, 'The yelow pigments gave me herpes.' Because everything I say is in the big quotes. Quite revolutionary I think. I don't know when I will close the quotes. I originally intended it to be an experiment that only lasted a week, but this new found freedom of only using my pointer fingers to denote quotations is satisfying. We will just have to wait and see.

The Prosecution Rests

If I am ever a big time prosecutor assigned to a big time case, I know what I would do. I would bring a bowl of banana pudding to the courtroom. When the defense lawyer says to the judge, "But your honor, this man has no evidence," a slight smile will creep into my face. I will take my key piece of evidence, and I will look at it. I will walk slowly around the courtroom, studying the defendant, the jurors, and the judge, all the while thoughtfully glancing at the evidence in my hands. With determination, I will walk to the bowl I brought and place the evidence in it. I will then say, "Ladies and gentlemen, the proof is in the pudding."

Roaches In My Hair

So we have these tiny roach type things that often turn up in our kitchen. I usually kill a couple a day, sometimes 5 or 6. I have noticed that every time I kill one, it gives me this satisfaction of justice being served, and I say to myself, "Death comes to us all, Oruku Saki." This of course is what Splinter says to Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie before causing him to fall to his death. (of course, any follower of the TMNT trilogy knows that Shredder somehow survived the 10 story fall and subsequent crushing at the hands of Casey Jones and his garbage truck. But it is still a wonderful line.) So, anyways, I think that's kind of weird that I say that to myself and all that. Well, whatever, nevermind.

Nosy 6th Graders

And while we're on the subject of potty talk, I am reminded of when I was in elementary school. I remember the scariest thing to do was to take a dump in the bathroom. You only went if you were forced to due to an emergency, because you never knew when a 6th grader might walk in and make fun of you. How embarrassing.

I can even remember one instance where two sixth graders walked in during such an emergency situation, talking so cooly with their deep voices. I took evasive action and lifted my legs. That way, if they made the "look under" move, the stall would appear empty. The plan of course backfired when one of them walked back to get some tissue to blow his nose. He could see the faint figure of a 4th grade through the cracks. After he noticed, the two started whispering and snickering. I am sure the one guy whispered to the other guy something like, "There's that 4th grader Michael Shea in there. He's POOPING! With his legs up! Go and tell all the girls in school." Man, that was a bad day.

Toilet Flushing And The Rhombus

I believe that the rhombus is by far the most neglected geometric shape.

So in the aerospace building men's bathroom, ther are signs above every single toilet that read "Please Flush Toilet After Every Use." I think it's just amazing that there needs to be a sign instructing people to do this. But it is needed, as almost every day I go in there, I see a poop filled unflushed toilet. Flushing toilets is one of those things you are supposed to learn pretty early on, somewhere around learning how to walk, how to tie your shoes, how to read, how to cover up steroids in your urine, how to brush your teeth, how to torture a man, or how to eat solids. You would think that somewhere amid these early life lessons, the flushing lesson would occur. But I guess not.

No Rules, Just Right

Here are a few things I want to do:
1) Chase down and catch a squirrel. I gave up on this one at about age 10, but I figure I am a lot faster now with better stamina. Let the squirrel chasing resume.
2) Go into Outback Steakhouse naked, and when told to put on some clothes or face criminal charges, say, "That sounds an awful lot like a rule to me..."
3) That's about it. There is nothing else I want to accomplish.
4) No seriously, that's it

Parking 'n Stuff

I am really sick of these morons in Auburn who can't park between the lines. It's like some kind of idiot epidemic. Learn to park the huge SUV your dad bought for you. It's not that hard. If you are a little off on the first try, feel free to back up and try again until you are within the lines. Or get a smaller car.

And don't even get me started on Auburn drivers' inability to figure out the four-way stop. At least 3 times a week, I am the third car to come to a four-way stop, and I end up going first while the two morons stare at each other wondering whose turn it is. They need to teach a mandatory driving course at orientation. I'm sorry, not orientation, "Camp War Eagle."

Sesquicentennial

Just noticed on the Auburn homepage that Auburn University is celebrating its Sesquicentennial. I didn't know those existed. People are always looking for something to celebrate I guess.

Hand-Headed Shea Freaks

Now here's an idea: I think that I will make everyone in my family stop using their hands to pick things up. Instead, we will attempt to use our foreheads. From here on out, from generation to generation, the Shea's will try in vain to pick up things with their foreheads. After a few thousand years, I believe that an arm will evolve out of my descendants' foreheads as an adaptive measure (I know some experts will claim it should take millions of years, but we Sheas are fast evolvers). And I don't even think I need to explain here how cool it would be to have some sort of extremity on your forehead.

I think that after I die I will have my children freeze my head, so that I will be able to witness my forehead-armed offspring once my head is thawed and revived using future thawing-and-reviving techniques. I mean, it's my idea, so it's only fair that I get to see some Hand-Headed Shea Freaks (that's what people will call them, but it will be a term of endearment and a source of great pride)

Your Way, Right Away

What's the deal with those fast food commercials talking about how you can have a burger or sub made "just the way you want it"? I have never gone to a place and said,"Hey buddy. No lettuce, please," and been met with "Didn't you see the sign? You can't have it your way here. Only my way. And my way includes lettuce. Now shut up or my way will also include triple the mayonnaise and a healthy dose of my pit hair." Now that I think about it, that's really a pretty reasonable reaction though. I think a food chain should start going with that policy. It would actually boost business. You may not get the meal you like, but darnit, that chain's got balls and I'm gonna eat there.

Debit or Credit?

Why do I always have to think about it when the cashier says "Debit or Credit?"? You would think I would have a set answer by now. But every time, there is a good two or three second pause where I think "Do I want to use credit or debit? I can do either. This is such a big decision."

And for those who want to know, generally I choose debit. But sometimes, for reasons still not fully understood, I switch to credit. Just keeping them on their toes I guess.