Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Sacred Eves

Let me just start by saying my wife is not a Hooters restaurant fan. So December 23, we were driving to the mall to buy a Christmas gift or two. On the way, we drove past a Hooters establishment where the parking lot was pretty full. So my wife says in disgust, "I can't believe these people would go to Hooters on Christmas Eve Eve!"

Now, the point of this story is not whether or not your should go to Hooters. The point of this story is that my wife created a new holiday: Christmas Eve Eve. If it is that easy to make the day before a holiday its own special day, like Christmas Eve, then why not keep adding "Eves" until you get to December 26, almost a full year before Christmas? That way, every day would be a little more special. My wife's instinct to come up with some crazy reason to have more distaste towards the patrons at Hooters might actually be the greatest idea ever said by a person in my car in the last week or so.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I'm Not Gonna Lie

It's the Christmas season, so I would like to take a moment to talk about something I am thankful for. I am thankful that so many people say, "I'm not gonna lie," before they say stuff. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago before people did this, but it was a more complicated time. You never knew if the person you were talking to was lying to you.

Suppose you were at a restaurant. Your friend orders and then eats a piece of cake for dessert. A few years ago, the friend might say, "I really liked that cake." But was he telling the truth? How can you tell?

What if he was lying!!?!!??

Well, now your friend might say, "I'm not gonna lie. That was some good cake!" There is no question that he liked the cake now. You can rest easy knowing he's not lying to you.

So the next time you hear the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" or some variation of it, just smile and be thankful that the person talking is a straight shooter who isn't full of it. You know he's not full of it because he just told you. And you can't put a price tag on that. It's not like shoes or a tie or perhaps some canned meat. You can put a price tag on all of those things and it would make sense. No, it is words, and you might be able to write them on some paper and then put a price tag on the paper, but you know, if you're just saying them and not doing that then you can't put a price tag on them, because that is impossible.

Am I being sarcastic, though? Do I really like it when people say this, or does it really annoy me? Do I think people say it way too much, and I actually think it is stupid? Well, I'm not gonna lie, so I guess I just won't tell you.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

About Me - Nickname

I have always wished my nickname was "Stallion."

Friday, December 15, 2006

More Clarifying

There are some things in that last post I need to clear up, before all you silly readers kill a poor defenseless pup. Some of you have asked me to do your children's birthday parties, but I'm not really a mime you bunch of non-smarties. It was just a silly rhyme, I can do them on a dime! I admit that I am not actually good at miming, or half competent at climbing, and I have an ogre's skill at timing. You see, I was really merely rhyming, and I am quite accomplished at... ah forget it.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Another Clarification

I need to clarify the latest post, and be a good host. A number of you poor sops have contacted me about my climbing chops . Please don't react in stiff anger, just 'cause I ain't Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. I must admit that I am not actually good at climbing, or even good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I use hands and facial expressions when miming.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Clarification

I need to clarify the last thing I said, like a head in a bed. A number of you have contacted me about my "timing" skills and tried to get me to help you with different deals. I must admit that I am not actually good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I am still awesome at climbing.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I Rhyme

I am really good at rhyming, just like I'm good at timing.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Hardest Thing

Just about the most difficult task you could undertake is to try to fetch something deep in your jean pocket while you are sitting down.