Tuesday, November 06, 2007

About me - Noodles

When making pasta, I am quite proficient at estimating how many uncooked noodles I need to yield the proper amount of cooked noodles.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Free Candy

Were you disappointed when you realized the snack machine has a contraption that keeps you from stealing candy? Yeah, me too. You look in that window and you don't see anything stopping you from getting all that candy. Then you push open the door and it all closes up. One minute, you think you just figured out how to get free candy, and then the next minute you were back to asking your mom for some change. And of course she says, "No, you've had enough candy today. You'll rot your teeth or get a tummy ache." Come on, mom!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Regibald The Handless

At work, sometimes we have an "All Hands Meeting." These meetings are a bit of a slap to the face to Regibald, my no-handed coworker. He lost his hands in an unfortunate accident at a lawn mower hugging competition. So is Regibald not invited since he doesn't have any hands? He doesn't feel invited. He just cries, and I don't blame him. But I still make fun of him for crying, because that is what you should do to men who cry about stuff, even if they don't have any arms and have a good reason to cry.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Punt

Do you guys remember when you were little and throwing a football in a somewhat small area, like a backyard? You'd be throwing it, and one guy would be like, "OK, I'm going to punt it," and everyone else is like "No No No! Don't punt it!" and the other kid is like "No just let me do it. I will kick it straight." Then the kid kicks it off the side of his foot and it goes over the fence almost every time. Spectacular. Now someone has to climb the fence because of this guy. Great, there is a pit bull over there eating our ball. Why are you practicing punting????? We knew this would happen!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Can't Get The Red Off

Some things you will just never know, like how did they clean the Kool-Aid stains on a wooden spoon before there were dishwashers?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

I Started The Mississippi. What Have You Done?

One day, I plan on starting the Mississippi River. How will I pull that off? Simple. I will go up to Minnesota where it officially begins, and I will pee in it. For those few seconds, I will be the great initiator of one of the most powerful rivers in the world. Aim high, kids, and one day you may be like me.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

House Divided

I want to start a line of "House Divided" car tags that can be custom made. I got the idea when I saw a House Divided tag and it was Georgia Tech and Auburn. I mean, maybe 50 years ago that was a rivalry, but its not exactly the coming together of two opposites any more. So I was thinking maybe you could do like a house divided with Auburn and Boise St, or pretty much any random team. Or do it with a college and high school, like with Auburn on one side and maybe Jefferson High on the other.

But my favorite idea is to do it with completely non sports related stuff, like having a house divided between David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. That would be awesome if you saw a car with that on it. "My wife loves Diamond Dave, but I am a Sammy guy. Somehow we make it work." Guns 'n Roses fans could get a Axl/Slash house divided. You could do Star Wars Empire/Rebellion or Obi-Wan/Vader, or you could do Imus/Rutgers Girls Basketball, or Anniston/Jolie, Michael Vick/PETA, or pancakes/waffles, or naked spelunking/clothed spelunking, or ham/turkey, or Zack/Slater, or whatever you want. Those of you in broken homes can do a house divided: Mom/Dad one. Or perhaps a hurricane or earthquake victim who lost half their house literally could just have a house divided tag with a picture of their destroyed house. The possibilities are endless here, people. Whatever you want your house to be divided between, I'll make the tag.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Poison Control

If I worked at Poison Control, where people were always calling me about spider bites, snake bites, or swallowing different chemicals and so on, I would always throw a silver lining into the conversation. I would say, "Well, if it was radioactive, then maybe you will at least get some super powers out of this whole thing." I think that a poison victim would appreciate that positive outlook.

Did I mention I would also refuse to study the poison manuals or whatever they use? I would just wing it. I would tell every person who called me that they would be fine, just get some rest and take Benadryl. You know, I probably would only last a couple of weeks at this job, but the callers who survive would probably give me really good ratings on their feedback forms. The dead would give me no ratings at all. So you probably think I will keep my job, don't you? After all, I have really awesome ratings! Well you're wrong. Poison Control management doesn't even look at the ratings.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A Plague Market

History teachers are always trying to tell you how horrible the Black Plague was in Europe back in the day, how it killed a ton of people in horrible ways, blah blah blah. Despite all the bad publicity from these naysayers, though, the bubonic plague did have some positive aspects. Just think how easy it would be to buy a bunch of land after 1/3 of the continent is dead. There would be entire estates just totally wiped out that you could pick up for real cheap. Yes, economists generally agree that the best time to buy real estate is not when interest rates are lowered, but instead when there is a horrible plague going around killing a bunch of land owners. Why don't history teachers talk about these positive aspects of the plague more? Because history teachers don't fundamentally understand real estate, that's why.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bugs Up On Me

If bugs knew how many of their brethren I have already killed, then they would probably stop landing and crawling on me. Of course, they will never know, because who is going to tell them? The dead bugs I have already killed? No, not them. They are dead now.

Monday, June 18, 2007

A True Story

I used to work as a painter. One time I painted an entire house with clown makeup as a joke. I thought it wouldn't last, but it turned out to be the most durable paint job I had ever done. What house exactly did I paint with clown makeup you ask? Well my friends, it was none other than Buckingham Palace. It just goes to show you that sometimes things work out.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Chicken

A couple of years ago, I slept outside of a Chick-fil-A store before it's grand opening so that I could get a year's worth of free Chick-fil-A. This translated to 52 coupons for a free combo meal. So I ate a ton of free Chick-fil-A food for awhile there. After the coupons were gone, I was pretty sick of Chick-fil-A. Nowadays, I am still not keen enough on the place to pay to eat there. But since I still have to eat there from time to time, I just order my food and run away with it without paying. That never works extremely well, because I only run as far as the sweet indoor playground. That is because my daughter climbs up and slides down The Eat-Mor-Chikin'-Play-Apparatus about 403+ times every time we are there. That's why I only steal on day shift when all the old ladies are working, because I can take three of them at a time (as long as one of them isn't Estelle) . So basically, I am still eating free Chick-fil-A.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Life Intstructions

Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Also, fart like no one is smelling.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Horsepower

Horsepower is supposed to be like the power of one horse. I am guessing it is the average power of a large pool of horses tested or something like that. That would mean that some horses can pull more than 1 horsepower, and some can't. Within the horse community, I imagine it is pretty embarrassing for a horse if he can't provide 1 horsepower. I mean, it's a horse! Of all things, you would think he would be the one who could give you one measly horsepower. What a loser!

In a related story, riding a cowboy does not actually in any way save a horse. Don't believe everything you hear.

Friday, April 20, 2007

When Warmth Is Bad

As much as it might sting to sit on a cold toilet seat, you really don't want to sit on a particularly warm one in a public restroom. There is just something gross about following someone else's act that soon.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Sam's Samples

One time I went to Sam's Club, and I made my way to the back to check out the free samples. If you have ever been to Sam's and you are not my wife, then you know that these free sample eating at Sam's is just one of life's great treats that should not be missed. But I get there, and every single sample station is unmanned! I kepts searching frantically, but nothing! I started to lose it a little bit, and I headed to the back corner for one last shot. If there was nothing in the back corner, then I was about to start chunking the twelve gallon jugs of peanut butter at the workers and dropping the 48 bottle packs of IBC Root Beer on people's heads. Unbelievably, they did have one booth set up. It was mini corn dogs. I ate one and it was not very good, but it was a free sample, and that itch in my mind had been scratched. A disaster was avoided, but it was a close one.

Friday, March 23, 2007

About Me - Wind

One of my best features is that I have a tremendous second wind.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

A Percentage

I used to be in the fast food business when I was in high school. One time when I was manning the register, I took this dude's order. I gave it to him, but he was all like "No, I also ordered fries!" (In a side not, after working fast food for awhile I realized that whenever you think you ordered something, you actually didn't. You had merely planned on ordering it. Think about this the next time you give a dirty look to a register jockey and say, "I am pretty sure I also ordered such and such." No you didn't, liar!) Anyway, I say to the guy "That will be 99 cents" (maybe 96 cents, maybe 86 cents, I can't remember, don't focus on whether or not it was really 99 cents).

So the guy drops his jaw and says to me in a disgusted voice, "Well great. Now I have to pay taxes on both orders." I had to think about it for a second, because though his complaint sounded ridiculous, I still needed to do the math in my head to be sure. So after a second or two, I said, "Uhhh.... actually tax is done as a percentage, so you are actually not going to pay any more than if you had ordered them together." The guy just looked at me, still disgusted, and said "Yeah, whatever," while shaking his head. He didn't believe me; he just wanted his fries and thought I was making stuff up to not look so bad for costing him an extra 8 cents. Man, that guy was an idiot. I should have chased after him and explained percentages to him. If only I was 15 again and had the chance. That's life, man: missed opportunities.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

An Adage

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The exception to this rule, of course, is amputation.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Take This Tag

At college, you always see these homemade ads people put up where they want to sell a puppy or get a subleaser or buy a kidney or this or that. They make the bottom of the page just a bunch of precut tags with a contact number on it, so that you just pull the tag and call them later when you get some time. I have found that a good way to give someone false hope is to tear off all the tags. They think to themselves, "Awesome! Look at how many are gone! Surely I will get some calls tonight and get a deal done! Cha ching!" Then, nothing but silence as they sit by the phone all night.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Re-Quartering Fairy

One time I was downtown, and I parked at a meter and only put money in for an hour. Eating lunch and whatnot ended up taking more than an hour, and I was quite worried when I walked back to my car. I have spent a good deal of money on downtown parking tickets. Those meter maids are quite the vultures. By the way, if it is a dude, do you still call him a mater maid? I think I would prefer to be called a meter butler. Nonetheless, when I got to my car, the meter was actually up to an hour and a half! I didn't do this! It must be some kind of do-gooder out there. That guy or gal is awesome.

I have actually thought about being the Re-Quartering Fairy before, but never really had the funds or guts to go through with it. It would be fun to foil the meter maids and butlers for a day, going around putting quarters in nearly expired meters ahead of the evildoers so that they can't give out any tickets. They would hate that so much! Well, someone actually did it for me, and it totally made my day. Of course, it was actually probably just the person next to me putting money in the wrong meter, and that person more than likely ended up with a parking ticket. I like to believe it was the Re-Quartering Fairy, though, because it makes me feel good. And I think the Re-Quartering Fairy wears a mask, a utility belt, a cape, and green and purple tights with the letters "RQF" drawn in pink over a rainbow on his chest, because that is the sort of things superheros wear, and the Re-Quartering Fairy is a super hero in my mind.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Simply The Worst

The most annoying thing is that line on your socks being to the side or on the bottom of your foot. That thing goes on top, man.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Under Siege

When I was shopping over Christmas, I saw that different stars' movie collections were being sold in the DVD section, such as Clint Eastwood and Elizabeth Taylor collections. They were packed with five or six of the best movies of each actor. Well, next to some of the other collections, there was the Steven Seagal Collection. Wow. Does anyone really need more than one Steven Seagal movie? Even just one of his movies might be pushing it. But if you do have the one, are the others really all that different? It's a guy who is supposed to be awesome at fighting but moves relatively slowly, he is attacked by a bunch of henchmen with limited martial arts skills (albeit one guy at a time), and he saves a chick or something, and he displays acting skills that normally wouldn't land a kid a supporting role in a middle school play. They gave this guy his own "collection"? Are you kidding me? You are going to buy all six of his "best" movies? Who are you?!! Your brain should be studied in an institution when you die to figure out what went wrong. I can't believe you just bought the Best of Seagal.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

About Me - Car Cuisine

I like to eat messy foods such as barbecue ribs and steamed crab legs with that butter dip stuff while driving, just to prove I can.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Enterprise

Have you ever seen those Enterprise Rent-A-Car commercials? They always end with some nice, peaceful music, and some dude saying "Enterprise: We'll pick you up." While the dude is saying this, there is a car wrapped up in paper driving around some beautiful scenery. What you don't see, however, is the rest of the story. Since you can't see through paper, the dude driving the car was basically blind. Right after the shot they use on the commercial, the dude drives right off the side of a 400 foot ledge. He had expressed concern earlier in the day about driving in a car whose front windshield was covered up, but he figured the money was good (better than what he was making as a quality control officer at the local Huddle House, and not quite as dangerous either), and he could probably remember when to turn right and left.

The going theory, though, is that if you are going to die falling off a cliff in a car, it is best to do it in an Enterprise wrapped up car, because then you don't know exactly when you are going to hit. I disagree with that theory. I think I will like to know when I am going to hit. That is part of the fun. I guess that is why it is just the going theory and not the going fact.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Self Checkout Drama

There is nothing more nerve racking than the self checkout line. You are at Wal-Mart or some other grocery store, and you see it has the shortest lines. You take your 30 items there, and you start pulling them out of your cart and scanning them. Then you become aware of all the people standing in line behind you. You feel the need to hurry. You have an orange you have to look up, but you don't know if it is a naval orange or a valencia orange. You sit there and think, but then you start hearing the sighs of the people behind you. Just pick one. You just picked the cheaper one, didn't you? You continue with your groceries. Uh oh, something isn't scanning right! Error! Push the button, call for assistance! Oh, how you wish you could tell the people behind you it's not your fault. It's not! Finally, it's all settled and you are ready to go. It's just not worth it. It took you twice the amount of time waiting in a cashier's line would have, and you just peed your pants.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Magic In My Car

Currently, my daughter's toy magic wand is somewhere underneath the passenger seat of my car. I don't really think about it when I get in, but after a drive around for a little bit I do. That is because on hard turns or fast stops or something like that, I hear it make its sound: "Brrrrllllinnnggggggg (ascending from a lower note to a higher note. It is pretty hard to type the sound a magic wand makes, so I guess just make up your own sound in your head. If you have never heard a magic wand, then pretend it is a magical cow's moo or something. Getting the sound right is not important)." I usually hear this sound maybe one out of every three trips in the car.

Anyhow, whenever I hear the sound randomly, I like to think something magical is actually happening somewhere around me. I check around the car for magic, then look out my windows, then in the car again, then I look at myself in the mirror to see if the magic happened to me, then I slowly accept that nothing magic happened this time either. It never happens. But still, I think it is nice to have that hope. I guess that is why I still haven't removed it from under the seat just yet, because it is nice to think that you are witnessing some magic, if only for a little while.

Actually, I am still not convinced there is nothing magic going on. I think I am probably just missing it every time. It's all about focus, man.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Be Careful Jack Bauer

In honor of the return of the television series 24, I would like to call to attention some of the innocent victims Jack Bauer has taken out. No, not all those terrorists he is always wasting. They deserve what they get. I'm talking about all the brain damage that guy has caused. Concussions are nothing to play with, my friends, and you just know that some of the people Bauer has knocked out probably are permanently impaired. I mean, the guy knocks out at least two good guys an episode when he goes out on his own against orders (which is about 75% of the series). He needs to do stuff that the good guys won't let him do, so he has to go around whacking people in the head so that they are knocked out. I'm telling you, a lot of those people are going to have to deal with dizzy spells and loss of memory for the rest of their lives. That ain't cool.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Widescreen Nonsense

Widescreen high definition televisions are all nice and good when you are watching something that is both high definition and widescreen. However, I am pretty sure everyone who owns one of these is at least half retarded. Now I know some of you reading this may actually have one of these, so listen up: if you are watching regular TV, just because your screen is totally full does not mean you are seeing more picture. No, all you are actually doing is stretching a full screen picture in to a widescreen picture, and it looks stupid. Everyone is now short and fat on your TV. Is Star Jones hosting the Tyra Banks Show now? Did they preempt America's Next Top Model with The Biggest Loser again? I have no idea, just because you want to show off how much screen you can fill on your silly television. Stop it!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

About Me - Behavior Philosophy

I do not advocate rough-housing.