Identical Doom

If you are an identical twin, probably the worst possible news you can hear is that your counterpart just died of natural causes. You're next, bub.

Colosseum Jenga

Experts (whatever those are) say that the Roman Colosseum is in bad shape because over the centuries, the Roman's themselves stripped it of all its marble and a lot of its stone. From looking at it, much of it has quite obviously collapsed as a result. The Romans used the stripped parts of the Colosseum and other Roman architecture to build new opulent things, like the whole Vatican set up. It sounds to me like this stone stealing was just a really high stakes game of Jenga. Romans live on the edge, baby. If you are a gladiator and you lose, you often get eaten by an animal or stabbed with a pointy weapon. No second chance at the title belt like today. If you play Colosseum Jenga and you lose, you get crushed by tons of stone and marble. Jenga! Jenga! Jenga! JENGA!

Newman's Own Decomposition

Perhaps you are familiar with the Newman's Own food company. It was a wonderful company started by Hollywood's Paul Newman, and they make all kinds of things like popcorn, salad dressing, wine, olive oil, salsa, pasta sauce, iced tea, lemonade, cookies, coffee, grape juice, dog food, cat food, youth potions, and other stuff. All profits go to charity. As you can see, the picture above used in all Newman's Own products is a depiction of Paul Newman himself. Rather than make the likeness of Paul Newman's younger more famous Hollywood self, the picture is of an appropriately aged Newman.

Well, unfortunately Paul Newman has now passed away. This presented a problem for the makers of Newman's Own. Should they continue to use this picture, even though it looks nothing like Paul Newman now? Well, through some connections, I have been able to acquire the pictures Newman's Own plans on using in the future.


The company plans on rolling out pictures to match Newman's current state. The shot above obviously depicts an intermediate stage of decomposition on this bottle of their delightful Light Balsamic Vinagrette. Finally, after a few more updates, the company will settle on the picture below.

Opinion is split on whether or not accurately depicting Paul Newman on future products is a good idea. Some actually believe the sight of a decaying body may actually turn people off to these food products. However, Newman's Own leadership is confident that the public will appreciate the integrity of the products. They have always marched to the beat of their own drum, and just because the gutless makers of that Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Buttersworth froze their likenesses in time doesn't mean Newman's Own should follow in suit.

When Hadrons Collide

Perhaps you have heard about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It is going to accelerate particles and we will learn some stuff supposedly about bosons or something. Well, there are some people who are worried that this thing may destroy the Earth. Some of the theories are described here:

How We're All Gonna Die From The Large Hadron Collider

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to listen to these bunch of sissies. There is nothing to be afraid; trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have a Small Hadron Collider (SHC) in my basement that has never given me a bit of trouble. I have been operating it for years now. Sure, it released a couple of demons from an alternate dimension, and it managed to give my dog wings, but the overall effect has been minimal. It is most certainly not Earth threatening (unless the demons suddenly decide to eat Earth instead of children). So sleep well, your Earth is not ending.