Try Again

You know what I miss? The days when your candy bar wrapper would tell you, "Not and instant winner. Try again," instead of telling me to enter a code on the internet to see if I've won something. I'm a big boy, I can handle rejection. And who ever checks those codes on the internet to see if they won? I never have. With the various secret-coded wrappers I've tossed over the years, for all I know I have held winning wrappers for 6 trips to Hawaii, 3 Ford Explorers, and a walk-on roll as an extra on According to Jim . But I'll never know (although I am pretty sure about the According to Jim one. That just felt like a winner). Cut the nonsense level with me on the wrapper, please.

Somebody Say Something

I think it is really funny when someone says something to the effect of "Well, everyone must really like the food!" when an awkward silence occurs at a social dinner.

Why Peanut Butter is Awesome

I think what makes peanut butter so awesome is that if you have jar open and knock it off the counter, no peanut butter will spill out thanks to its adhesive properties. It is truly a breath of fresh air from the other more spillable things that are kept in jars.

Newman's Own Decomposition

Perhaps you are familiar with the Newman's Own food company. It was a wonderful company started by Hollywood's Paul Newman, and they make all kinds of things like popcorn, salad dressing, wine, olive oil, salsa, pasta sauce, iced tea, lemonade, cookies, coffee, grape juice, dog food, cat food, youth potions, and other stuff. All profits go to charity. As you can see, the picture above used in all Newman's Own products is a depiction of Paul Newman himself. Rather than make the likeness of Paul Newman's younger more famous Hollywood self, the picture is of an appropriately aged Newman.

Well, unfortunately Paul Newman has now passed away. This presented a problem for the makers of Newman's Own. Should they continue to use this picture, even though it looks nothing like Paul Newman now? Well, through some connections, I have been able to acquire the pictures Newman's Own plans on using in the future.


The company plans on rolling out pictures to match Newman's current state. The shot above obviously depicts an intermediate stage of decomposition on this bottle of their delightful Light Balsamic Vinagrette. Finally, after a few more updates, the company will settle on the picture below.

Opinion is split on whether or not accurately depicting Paul Newman on future products is a good idea. Some actually believe the sight of a decaying body may actually turn people off to these food products. However, Newman's Own leadership is confident that the public will appreciate the integrity of the products. They have always marched to the beat of their own drum, and just because the gutless makers of that Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Buttersworth froze their likenesses in time doesn't mean Newman's Own should follow in suit.

Domino's Receipt

When I pick up my pizza at the nearby Dominoes, they do something crazy with my credit card receipt. I sign the white copy, and it does that thing where it also signs the yellow copy underneath. You would think the customer would get the yellow copy, wouldn't you? Wrong. The person is always all like, "No, you keep the white one." Why do I need the white one with my real signature? That's the one you need, lady! I know what my signature looks like. I can give myself an autograph at anytime. I will never be in need of my own original signature. I will never take some document to the courthouse and be told, "Wait, you need to sign this," and then freak out because I don't have my signature on me. I can make a new one. I won't say, "CRAP! I left my signature at Dominoes! Just hold on and let me go get it!"

So Dominoes, really, just take the white copy like everyone else. Okay?