Sunday, September 24, 2006

Will Kick Shins For Hats

When I was a kid, I was always jealous of those cool kids who could bend their hat bills just right. I spent a great deal of time trying to perfect the bill bend. But I would either bend it to a pointed crease, not bend it enough, or bend it unevenly or something like that. If I ever did get it close to looking right, it would look crappy again by the next morning. So I would see dudes with cool looking hats, and I wanted to kick them in the shins and take their hats with their sweet bills. Of course, the problem all along was probably my funky oblong head, but I'd rather point my anger to the elementary/middle school cool crowds with cool hats, because some of those cool guys still deserve a cool kick to their cool shins either way.

Monday, September 18, 2006

It Depends

My daughter relieves herself in her diaper. My wife and I keep trying to get her to use her little toilet, but she refuses. The more I think about it, I actually think she is the smarter one in this situation. I mean, she just does her business whenever she feels like it. She doesn't have to take a bathroom break ever. She never has to get up in the middle of a movie. She never has to leave the dinner table.The more I think about it, why do we ever get out of diapers? I know you are thinking "Because it is gross to go in your pants," but if we all did it that way, would it still be so gross? I think I am going to go buy some adult diapers and try this whole thing out. Someone has got to be the leader on this thing

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Those Daredevils

I was watching some motocross trick jumping thing the other day, and it got me thinking: How the heck do you practice those tricks? I compare it to my own experiences learning how to flip and do other stuff off a diving board. Whenever I tried to learn a new dive, I would "bust" at least 5 or 6 times before I could get it right. That is fine when you are jumping a couple of feet into water, but it seems to me that it would not be very safe when jumping 40 feet in the air on a motorcycle. What happens when you chicken out right after you jump like I did on so many gainers? The worst thing that would happen to me was falling on the side of my face and getting an ear ache. I guess a lot of motocross people just die. That's why there's that saying within the motocross community, "A motocross rider who doesn't have big balls and isn't really gutsy dies because he will chicken out while doing a trick, and those with guts will die because they will over-rotate their first time trying a new trick, so basically all motocross riders die trying a new trick." That saying has been criticized as being too long and wordy, but people said the same thing about Moby Dick. This fits, because a good metaphor for people trying new tricks on motorcycles is Captain Ahab trying to kill a whale with a sharp metal stick while only having the use of one leg.

Monday, September 11, 2006

You Tool Belt!

People used to just say the word "tool" when they were making fun of others. But now, people often call someone a "tool bag." If it's that easy to come up with a new cutdown, I think I will try one myself. My variation: "tool belt." I have already started calling people this. It narrowly won a runoff in my own head, beating out "tool box," "tool shed," "toolbar," and "Matt." I may still use any one of these whenever "tool belt" gets old. That is usually judged as the time it starts getting used on Nickelodeon shows. You always have to stay ahead in this kind of business, or you will get left behind.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Bath Tissue

I was in the grocery store the other day, and I saw an aisle that had a label above it that read "Bath Tissue." I thought it was funny, because no one ever calls it bath tissue. It's toilet paper. I guess that stores don't want to have the word "toilet" written anywhere in the store. I tell you what though, if I am ever in charge of labeling at a grocery store, then first of all, it means my life has gone horribly wrong. But if I am in that position, I will make a sign that reads "Butt Wiping Paper," because about as many people call it butt wiping paper as ones who call it bath tissue. I think people will appreciate the more accurate term.

We also all call restrooms "bathrooms," even when they only have a toilet. Are we that scared of saying, "toilet"? Or are people taking baths in their toilets now? I guess if they are doing that, then they probably have to use the bathtub as a toilet, in which case the bath tissue sign from earlier is actually accurate. I guess it all adds up in the end.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Easy Target

When people say something that they think is really deep, a good thing to reply is, "That's not deep. That's stupid." This generally embarrasses them, even if what they had to say wasn't stupid, because when you try to say deep stuff, you are pretty vulnerable. Ripe for the pickin', I tell ya.