Monday, December 26, 2005

Cock

On TV and in movies, why do people always cock their guns to show that they mean business? You know what I mean? The person will be pointing a gun at someone, and that person will be all like "You ain't got the guts," and then the person is like "try me" and cocks their gun. I mean, why don't you already have the gun cocked? Who points a gun that they can't shoot? And if it were me being pointed at with the gun, i would be all like "See. Now i know you don't mean business, because you didn't even have your gun cocked a second ago." And ultimately, the cocker would agree and that would be the end of that.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Hollywood Lessons

Here are some things I have learned from Hollywood:

1) The purpose of ghosts We all know there are ghosts, and scientists have debated for years what their purpose is. And now, after a number of movies and television series, it finally has become apparent: ghosts are left behind to solve crimes and help fix things in general. I have learned this thanks to the number of people who, through the magic of television and movies, are able to communicate or witness the activities of ghosts. Whether it is The Sixth Sense, Medium, Party of Five: Ghost Style Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, or whatever other program that uses a ghost to fix things, it is good to know that not all of them want to spill our blood. I have also learned that ghosts by the whole are generally nice but not too peppy.

2) Monuments are the first things to go when we are attacked Whether it be a Category 12 Storm of the Centuriinium, or a volcano, or an attack by aliens, terrorists with an a-bomb, or sea monsters, I'll be darned if the first thing they always go for are the icons of our culture, such as the Statue of Liberty, Mt Rushmore, the White House, or whatever. Which I can understand, because if you are a storm or an alien running amok with mighty force, the first thing you would want to do is knock the nose off of GW on Mt Rushmore. Nothing says, "I'm here and I'm really ready to do a lot of damage, so lets get started," quite like that.

So Hollywood, I applaud you. Without you, I don't think I would understand the world I live in.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Auburn Creed

The Current Auburn Creed has been edited. Here is the original:

"I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count up to one hundred and thirty five before being bored. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work, the kind of work that makes you sweat, like Richard Simmons' 'Sweatin to the Oldies' work. I also believe in water, hard water, the kind of water that makes it hard to lather soap.

I believe in education, which gives me the knowledge to work wisely and trains my mind to hypnotize the weak minded like I'm some kind of hip Jedi.

I believe in honesty and truthfulness. Which proves nothing because I would say thing same thing if I didn't.

I believe in a sound mind, in a sound body and sound, a mind sound, and a body sound, and in clean sports unless dirty sports will make me more moneys of dollars.

I believe in obedience because darn it, I better or else!

I believe in the human touch, which cultivates sympathy with my fellow men and sexual harrassment charges with uptight dames.

I believe in my Country, because its name appears on moneys of dollars.

And most of all I believe in Auburn, because I go to school there so it must exist. Seriously, why would I not believe in Auburn? What kind of denial like that would do anything for me?"

-George Petrie, the "Auburn Creed"

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Boy, this whole blog thing is sure working out

Monday, August 08, 2005

Special Sauce

I want to start a new movement, and I will tell you what it is, and you will agree with me.

I want the special sauce to finally get its own name. Back when I was young, if a sauce was deemed "special," that usually meant that you could only get it at that particular restaurant. Now, though Zaxby's, Breezway, Guthrie's, Tenda Chick, Abner's, Veggies to Go, etc all claim to have their own "special sauce," one would find that they are all the same speckled kinda pinkish-tanish-orange substance.

Please, for the sake of all, will someone please name this sauce so that all can be right with the world. Since this monopoly on the "special sauce" has taken place, a real shortage of innovative sauces has occurred. There has been nothing to call them. What, put "Special Sauce #2" on the menu or something? Please, in the name of love, name that sauce.

And when it is named, it should be called "Shea's Speckled Sauce of Mightiness."

Friday, August 05, 2005

Wow, what a blog.