Free Candy

Were you disappointed when you realized the snack machine has a contraption that keeps you from stealing candy? Yeah, me too. You look in that window and you don't see anything stopping you from getting all that candy. Then you push open the door and it all closes up. One minute, you think you just figured out how to get free candy, and then the next minute you were back to asking your mom for some change. And of course she says, "No, you've had enough candy today. You'll rot your teeth or get a tummy ache." Come on, mom!

Regibald The Handless

At work, sometimes we have an "All Hands Meeting." These meetings are a bit of a slap to the face to Regibald, my no-handed coworker. He lost his hands in an unfortunate accident at a lawn mower hugging competition. So is Regibald not invited since he doesn't have any hands? He doesn't feel invited. He just cries, and I don't blame him. But I still make fun of him for crying, because that is what you should do to men who cry about stuff, even if they don't have any arms and have a good reason to cry.

A Punt

Do you guys remember when you were little and throwing a football in a somewhat small area, like a backyard? You'd be throwing it, and one guy would be like, "OK, I'm going to punt it," and everyone else is like "No No No! Don't punt it!" and the other kid is like "No just let me do it. I will kick it straight." Then the kid kicks it off the side of his foot and it goes over the fence almost every time. Spectacular. Now someone has to climb the fence because of this guy. Great, there is a pit bull over there eating our ball. Why are you practicing punting????? We knew this would happen!

Can't Get The Red Off

Some things you will just never know, like how did they clean the Kool-Aid stains on a wooden spoon before there were dishwashers?

I Started The Mississippi. What Have You Done?

One day, I plan on starting the Mississippi River. How will I pull that off? Simple. I will go up to Minnesota where it officially begins, and I will pee in it. For those few seconds, I will be the great initiator of one of the most powerful rivers in the world. Aim high, kids, and one day you may be like me.

House Divided

I want to start a line of "House Divided" car tags that can be custom made. I got the idea when I saw a House Divided tag and it was Georgia Tech and Auburn. I mean, maybe 50 years ago that was a rivalry, but its not exactly the coming together of two opposites any more. So I was thinking maybe you could do like a house divided with Auburn and Boise St, or pretty much any random team. Or do it with a college and high school, like with Auburn on one side and maybe Jefferson High on the other.

But my favorite idea is to do it with completely non sports related stuff, like having a house divided between David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. That would be awesome if you saw a car with that on it. "My wife loves Diamond Dave, but I am a Sammy guy. Somehow we make it work." Guns 'n Roses fans could get a Axl/Slash house divided. You could do Star Wars Empire/Rebellion or Obi-Wan/Vader, or you could do Imus/Rutgers Girls Basketball, or Anniston/Jolie, Michael Vick/PETA, or pancakes/waffles, or naked spelunking/clothed spelunking, or ham/turkey, or Zack/Slater, or whatever you want. Those of you in broken homes can do a house divided: Mom/Dad one. Or perhaps a hurricane or earthquake victim who lost half their house literally could just have a house divided tag with a picture of their destroyed house. The possibilities are endless here, people. Whatever you want your house to be divided between, I'll make the tag.

Poison Control

If I worked at Poison Control, where people were always calling me about spider bites, snake bites, or swallowing different chemicals and so on, I would always throw a silver lining into the conversation. I would say, "Well, if it was radioactive, then maybe you will at least get some super powers out of this whole thing." I think that a poison victim would appreciate that positive outlook.

Did I mention I would also refuse to study the poison manuals or whatever they use? I would just wing it. I would tell every person who called me that they would be fine, just get some rest and take Benadryl. You know, I probably would only last a couple of weeks at this job, but the callers who survive would probably give me really good ratings on their feedback forms. The dead would give me no ratings at all. So you probably think I will keep my job, don't you? After all, I have really awesome ratings! Well you're wrong. Poison Control management doesn't even look at the ratings.

A Plague Market

History teachers are always trying to tell you how horrible the Black Plague was in Europe back in the day, how it killed a ton of people in horrible ways, blah blah blah. Despite all the bad publicity from these naysayers, though, the bubonic plague did have some positive aspects. Just think how easy it would be to buy a bunch of land after 1/3 of the continent is dead. There would be entire estates just totally wiped out that you could pick up for real cheap. Yes, economists generally agree that the best time to buy real estate is not when interest rates are lowered, but instead when there is a horrible plague going around killing a bunch of land owners. Why don't history teachers talk about these positive aspects of the plague more? Because history teachers don't fundamentally understand real estate, that's why.

Bugs Up On Me

If bugs knew how many of their brethren I have already killed, then they would probably stop landing and crawling on me. Of course, they will never know, because who is going to tell them? The dead bugs I have already killed? No, not them. They are dead now.

A True Story

I used to work as a painter. One time I painted an entire house with clown makeup as a joke. I thought it wouldn't last, but it turned out to be the most durable paint job I had ever done. What house exactly did I paint with clown makeup you ask? Well my friends, it was none other than Buckingham Palace. It just goes to show you that sometimes things work out.

Chicken

A couple of years ago, I slept outside of a Chick-fil-A store before it's grand opening so that I could get a year's worth of free Chick-fil-A. This translated to 52 coupons for a free combo meal. So I ate a ton of free Chick-fil-A food for awhile there. After the coupons were gone, I was pretty sick of Chick-fil-A. Nowadays, I am still not keen enough on the place to pay to eat there. But since I still have to eat there from time to time, I just order my food and run away with it without paying. That never works extremely well, because I only run as far as the sweet indoor playground. That is because my daughter climbs up and slides down The Eat-Mor-Chikin'-Play-Apparatus about 403+ times every time we are there. That's why I only steal on day shift when all the old ladies are working, because I can take three of them at a time (as long as one of them isn't Estelle) . So basically, I am still eating free Chick-fil-A.

Life Intstructions

Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Also, fart like no one is smelling.

Horsepower

Horsepower is supposed to be like the power of one horse. I am guessing it is the average power of a large pool of horses tested or something like that. That would mean that some horses can pull more than 1 horsepower, and some can't. Within the horse community, I imagine it is pretty embarrassing for a horse if he can't provide 1 horsepower. I mean, it's a horse! Of all things, you would think he would be the one who could give you one measly horsepower. What a loser!

In a related story, riding a cowboy does not actually in any way save a horse. Don't believe everything you hear.

When Warmth Is Bad

As much as it might sting to sit on a cold toilet seat, you really don't want to sit on a particularly warm one in a public restroom. There is just something gross about following someone else's act that soon.

Sam's Samples

One time I went to Sam's Club, and I made my way to the back to check out the free samples. If you have ever been to Sam's and you are not my wife, then you know that these free sample eating at Sam's is just one of life's great treats that should not be missed. But I get there, and every single sample station is unmanned! I kepts searching frantically, but nothing! I started to lose it a little bit, and I headed to the back corner for one last shot. If there was nothing in the back corner, then I was about to start chunking the twelve gallon jugs of peanut butter at the workers and dropping the 48 bottle packs of IBC Root Beer on people's heads. Unbelievably, they did have one booth set up. It was mini corn dogs. I ate one and it was not very good, but it was a free sample, and that itch in my mind had been scratched. A disaster was avoided, but it was a close one.

About Me - Wind

One of my best features is that I have a tremendous second wind.

A Percentage

I used to be in the fast food business when I was in high school. One time when I was manning the register, I took this dude's order. I gave it to him, but he was all like "No, I also ordered fries!" (In a side not, after working fast food for awhile I realized that whenever you think you ordered something, you actually didn't. You had merely planned on ordering it. Think about this the next time you give a dirty look to a register jockey and say, "I am pretty sure I also ordered such and such." No you didn't, liar!) Anyway, I say to the guy "That will be 99 cents" (maybe 96 cents, maybe 86 cents, I can't remember, don't focus on whether or not it was really 99 cents).

So the guy drops his jaw and says to me in a disgusted voice, "Well great. Now I have to pay taxes on both orders." I had to think about it for a second, because though his complaint sounded ridiculous, I still needed to do the math in my head to be sure. So after a second or two, I said, "Uhhh.... actually tax is done as a percentage, so you are actually not going to pay any more than if you had ordered them together." The guy just looked at me, still disgusted, and said "Yeah, whatever," while shaking his head. He didn't believe me; he just wanted his fries and thought I was making stuff up to not look so bad for costing him an extra 8 cents. Man, that guy was an idiot. I should have chased after him and explained percentages to him. If only I was 15 again and had the chance. That's life, man: missed opportunities.

An Adage

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The exception to this rule, of course, is amputation.

Take This Tag

At college, you always see these homemade ads people put up where they want to sell a puppy or get a subleaser or buy a kidney or this or that. They make the bottom of the page just a bunch of precut tags with a contact number on it, so that you just pull the tag and call them later when you get some time. I have found that a good way to give someone false hope is to tear off all the tags. They think to themselves, "Awesome! Look at how many are gone! Surely I will get some calls tonight and get a deal done! Cha ching!" Then, nothing but silence as they sit by the phone all night.

The Re-Quartering Fairy

One time I was downtown, and I parked at a meter and only put money in for an hour. Eating lunch and whatnot ended up taking more than an hour, and I was quite worried when I walked back to my car. I have spent a good deal of money on downtown parking tickets. Those meter maids are quite the vultures. By the way, if it is a dude, do you still call him a mater maid? I think I would prefer to be called a meter butler. Nonetheless, when I got to my car, the meter was actually up to an hour and a half! I didn't do this! It must be some kind of do-gooder out there. That guy or gal is awesome.

I have actually thought about being the Re-Quartering Fairy before, but never really had the funds or guts to go through with it. It would be fun to foil the meter maids and butlers for a day, going around putting quarters in nearly expired meters ahead of the evildoers so that they can't give out any tickets. They would hate that so much! Well, someone actually did it for me, and it totally made my day. Of course, it was actually probably just the person next to me putting money in the wrong meter, and that person more than likely ended up with a parking ticket. I like to believe it was the Re-Quartering Fairy, though, because it makes me feel good. And I think the Re-Quartering Fairy wears a mask, a utility belt, a cape, and green and purple tights with the letters "RQF" drawn in pink over a rainbow on his chest, because that is the sort of things superheros wear, and the Re-Quartering Fairy is a super hero in my mind.