Simply The Worst

The most annoying thing is that line on your socks being to the side or on the bottom of your foot. That thing goes on top, man.

Under Siege

When I was shopping over Christmas, I saw that different stars' movie collections were being sold in the DVD section, such as Clint Eastwood and Elizabeth Taylor collections. They were packed with five or six of the best movies of each actor. Well, next to some of the other collections, there was the Steven Seagal Collection. Wow. Does anyone really need more than one Steven Seagal movie? Even just one of his movies might be pushing it. But if you do have the one, are the others really all that different? It's a guy who is supposed to be awesome at fighting but moves relatively slowly, he is attacked by a bunch of henchmen with limited martial arts skills (albeit one guy at a time), and he saves a chick or something, and he displays acting skills that normally wouldn't land a kid a supporting role in a middle school play. They gave this guy his own "collection"? Are you kidding me? You are going to buy all six of his "best" movies? Who are you?!! Your brain should be studied in an institution when you die to figure out what went wrong. I can't believe you just bought the Best of Seagal.

About Me - Car Cuisine

I like to eat messy foods such as barbecue ribs and steamed crab legs with that butter dip stuff while driving, just to prove I can.

Enterprise

Have you ever seen those Enterprise Rent-A-Car commercials? They always end with some nice, peaceful music, and some dude saying "Enterprise: We'll pick you up." While the dude is saying this, there is a car wrapped up in paper driving around some beautiful scenery. What you don't see, however, is the rest of the story. Since you can't see through paper, the dude driving the car was basically blind. Right after the shot they use on the commercial, the dude drives right off the side of a 400 foot ledge. He had expressed concern earlier in the day about driving in a car whose front windshield was covered up, but he figured the money was good (better than what he was making as a quality control officer at the local Huddle House, and not quite as dangerous either), and he could probably remember when to turn right and left.

The going theory, though, is that if you are going to die falling off a cliff in a car, it is best to do it in an Enterprise wrapped up car, because then you don't know exactly when you are going to hit. I disagree with that theory. I think I will like to know when I am going to hit. That is part of the fun. I guess that is why it is just the going theory and not the going fact.

Self Checkout Drama

There is nothing more nerve racking than the self checkout line. You are at Wal-Mart or some other grocery store, and you see it has the shortest lines. You take your 30 items there, and you start pulling them out of your cart and scanning them. Then you become aware of all the people standing in line behind you. You feel the need to hurry. You have an orange you have to look up, but you don't know if it is a naval orange or a valencia orange. You sit there and think, but then you start hearing the sighs of the people behind you. Just pick one. You just picked the cheaper one, didn't you? You continue with your groceries. Uh oh, something isn't scanning right! Error! Push the button, call for assistance! Oh, how you wish you could tell the people behind you it's not your fault. It's not! Finally, it's all settled and you are ready to go. It's just not worth it. It took you twice the amount of time waiting in a cashier's line would have, and you just peed your pants.

Magic In My Car

Currently, my daughter's toy magic wand is somewhere underneath the passenger seat of my car. I don't really think about it when I get in, but after a drive around for a little bit I do. That is because on hard turns or fast stops or something like that, I hear it make its sound: "Brrrrllllinnnggggggg (ascending from a lower note to a higher note. It is pretty hard to type the sound a magic wand makes, so I guess just make up your own sound in your head. If you have never heard a magic wand, then pretend it is a magical cow's moo or something. Getting the sound right is not important)." I usually hear this sound maybe one out of every three trips in the car.

Anyhow, whenever I hear the sound randomly, I like to think something magical is actually happening somewhere around me. I check around the car for magic, then look out my windows, then in the car again, then I look at myself in the mirror to see if the magic happened to me, then I slowly accept that nothing magic happened this time either. It never happens. But still, I think it is nice to have that hope. I guess that is why I still haven't removed it from under the seat just yet, because it is nice to think that you are witnessing some magic, if only for a little while.

Actually, I am still not convinced there is nothing magic going on. I think I am probably just missing it every time. It's all about focus, man.

Be Careful Jack Bauer

In honor of the return of the television series 24, I would like to call to attention some of the innocent victims Jack Bauer has taken out. No, not all those terrorists he is always wasting. They deserve what they get. I'm talking about all the brain damage that guy has caused. Concussions are nothing to play with, my friends, and you just know that some of the people Bauer has knocked out probably are permanently impaired. I mean, the guy knocks out at least two good guys an episode when he goes out on his own against orders (which is about 75% of the series). He needs to do stuff that the good guys won't let him do, so he has to go around whacking people in the head so that they are knocked out. I'm telling you, a lot of those people are going to have to deal with dizzy spells and loss of memory for the rest of their lives. That ain't cool.

Widescreen Nonsense

Widescreen high definition televisions are all nice and good when you are watching something that is both high definition and widescreen. However, I am pretty sure everyone who owns one of these is at least half retarded. Now I know some of you reading this may actually have one of these, so listen up: if you are watching regular TV, just because your screen is totally full does not mean you are seeing more picture. No, all you are actually doing is stretching a full screen picture in to a widescreen picture, and it looks stupid. Everyone is now short and fat on your TV. Is Star Jones hosting the Tyra Banks Show now? Did they preempt America's Next Top Model with The Biggest Loser again? I have no idea, just because you want to show off how much screen you can fill on your silly television. Stop it!

About Me - Behavior Philosophy

I do not advocate rough-housing.

Sacred Eves

Let me just start by saying my wife is not a Hooters restaurant fan. So December 23, we were driving to the mall to buy a Christmas gift or two. On the way, we drove past a Hooters establishment where the parking lot was pretty full. So my wife says in disgust, "I can't believe these people would go to Hooters on Christmas Eve Eve!"

Now, the point of this story is not whether or not your should go to Hooters. The point of this story is that my wife created a new holiday: Christmas Eve Eve. If it is that easy to make the day before a holiday its own special day, like Christmas Eve, then why not keep adding "Eves" until you get to December 26, almost a full year before Christmas? That way, every day would be a little more special. My wife's instinct to come up with some crazy reason to have more distaste towards the patrons at Hooters might actually be the greatest idea ever said by a person in my car in the last week or so.

I'm Not Gonna Lie

It's the Christmas season, so I would like to take a moment to talk about something I am thankful for. I am thankful that so many people say, "I'm not gonna lie," before they say stuff. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago before people did this, but it was a more complicated time. You never knew if the person you were talking to was lying to you.

Suppose you were at a restaurant. Your friend orders and then eats a piece of cake for dessert. A few years ago, the friend might say, "I really liked that cake." But was he telling the truth? How can you tell?

What if he was lying!!?!!??

Well, now your friend might say, "I'm not gonna lie. That was some good cake!" There is no question that he liked the cake now. You can rest easy knowing he's not lying to you.

So the next time you hear the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" or some variation of it, just smile and be thankful that the person talking is a straight shooter who isn't full of it. You know he's not full of it because he just told you. And you can't put a price tag on that. It's not like shoes or a tie or perhaps some canned meat. You can put a price tag on all of those things and it would make sense. No, it is words, and you might be able to write them on some paper and then put a price tag on the paper, but you know, if you're just saying them and not doing that then you can't put a price tag on them, because that is impossible.

Am I being sarcastic, though? Do I really like it when people say this, or does it really annoy me? Do I think people say it way too much, and I actually think it is stupid? Well, I'm not gonna lie, so I guess I just won't tell you.

About Me - Nickname

I have always wished my nickname was "Stallion."

More Clarifying

There are some things in that last post I need to clear up, before all you silly readers kill a poor defenseless pup. Some of you have asked me to do your children's birthday parties, but I'm not really a mime you bunch of non-smarties. It was just a silly rhyme, I can do them on a dime! I admit that I am not actually good at miming, or half competent at climbing, and I have an ogre's skill at timing. You see, I was really merely rhyming, and I am quite accomplished at... ah forget it.

Another Clarification

I need to clarify the latest post, and be a good host. A number of you poor sops have contacted me about my climbing chops . Please don't react in stiff anger, just 'cause I ain't Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. I must admit that I am not actually good at climbing, or even good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I use hands and facial expressions when miming.

Clarification

I need to clarify the last thing I said, like a head in a bed. A number of you have contacted me about my "timing" skills and tried to get me to help you with different deals. I must admit that I am not actually good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I am still awesome at climbing.

I Rhyme

I am really good at rhyming, just like I'm good at timing.

The Hardest Thing

Just about the most difficult task you could undertake is to try to fetch something deep in your jean pocket while you are sitting down.

Straight Walkin' Mike

People call me Straight Walkin' Mike. This is because I walk in straight lines everywhere, even if it means walking on grass instead of a sidewalk.

Hollywood Love

I was watching Scrubs reruns a couple of weeks ago, and I realized why marriages never work in Hollywood. One character Turk says to his girlfriend Carla that old cliche about how she annoys him to no end, but he loves her so much. You see it all the time in movies and on TV, where the characters annoy and frustrate each other so much, but they also love each other so gall durn much that they just have to get together in the end and live happily ever after. The Hollywood crowd seems to think that if you aren't getting on each other's nerves, then you probably aren't in love. They are very confused about what a healthy relationship looks like. The rest of America knows that when someone gets on your nerves, instead of marrying them, you generally avoid them. I can't think of a friend of mine who has had the moronitude to try to stick through a relationship where the two people annoy each other all the time. I think if some people in Hollywood would read this, a lot of divorces down the road wouldn't happen. If they just realize that it's alright to marry someone you get along with and generally a bad idea to marry someone you don't get along with, their divorce rate wouldn't be 99.999 percent.

Mick E. Dees

A few weeks ago outside of the McDonald's in town, there was a sign that said, "McDonald's Salutes The Best Employees In America." I think I will let you all just enjoy that statement, because there really is no need for an added joke or explanation or anything like that.

Fine, just one joke: What's next, a strip club putting up a sign that says something like, "The Booby Trap Is Proud To Employ Only College Graduates," or perhaps Saturday Night Live with an advertisement that says, "We Only Hire Writers And Actors Who Are Funny."

Fine, two jokes: I hope it didn't take the "Best Employees In America" as long to put up that sign honoring themselves as it did to get me my Big Mac meal that same week. And for those counting, that would be 14 minutes.

Okay, I'm done.