The Auburn Creed

The Current Auburn Creed has been edited. Here is the original:

"I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count up to one hundred and thirty five before being bored. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work, the kind of work that makes you sweat, like Richard Simmons' 'Sweatin to the Oldies' work. I also believe in water, hard water, the kind of water that makes it hard to lather soap.

I believe in education, which gives me the knowledge to work wisely and trains my mind to hypnotize the weak minded like I'm some kind of hip Jedi.

I believe in honesty and truthfulness. Which proves nothing because I would say thing same thing if I didn't.

I believe in a sound mind, in a sound body and sound, a mind sound, and a body sound, and in clean sports unless dirty sports will make me more moneys of dollars.

I believe in obedience because darn it, I better or else!

I believe in the human touch, which cultivates sympathy with my fellow men and sexual harrassment charges with uptight dames.

I believe in my Country, because its name appears on moneys of dollars.

And most of all I believe in Auburn, because I go to school there so it must exist. Seriously, why would I not believe in Auburn? What kind of denial like that would do anything for me?"

-George Petrie, the "Auburn Creed"