Colosseum Jenga

Experts (whatever those are) say that the Roman Colosseum is in bad shape because over the centuries, the Roman's themselves stripped it of all its marble and a lot of its stone. From looking at it, much of it has quite obviously collapsed as a result. The Romans used the stripped parts of the Colosseum and other Roman architecture to build new opulent things, like the whole Vatican set up. It sounds to me like this stone stealing was just a really high stakes game of Jenga. Romans live on the edge, baby. If you are a gladiator and you lose, you often get eaten by an animal or stabbed with a pointy weapon. No second chance at the title belt like today. If you play Colosseum Jenga and you lose, you get crushed by tons of stone and marble. Jenga! Jenga! Jenga! JENGA!

Newman's Own Decomposition

Perhaps you are familiar with the Newman's Own food company. It was a wonderful company started by Hollywood's Paul Newman, and they make all kinds of things like popcorn, salad dressing, wine, olive oil, salsa, pasta sauce, iced tea, lemonade, cookies, coffee, grape juice, dog food, cat food, youth potions, and other stuff. All profits go to charity. As you can see, the picture above used in all Newman's Own products is a depiction of Paul Newman himself. Rather than make the likeness of Paul Newman's younger more famous Hollywood self, the picture is of an appropriately aged Newman.

Well, unfortunately Paul Newman has now passed away. This presented a problem for the makers of Newman's Own. Should they continue to use this picture, even though it looks nothing like Paul Newman now? Well, through some connections, I have been able to acquire the pictures Newman's Own plans on using in the future.


The company plans on rolling out pictures to match Newman's current state. The shot above obviously depicts an intermediate stage of decomposition on this bottle of their delightful Light Balsamic Vinagrette. Finally, after a few more updates, the company will settle on the picture below.

Opinion is split on whether or not accurately depicting Paul Newman on future products is a good idea. Some actually believe the sight of a decaying body may actually turn people off to these food products. However, Newman's Own leadership is confident that the public will appreciate the integrity of the products. They have always marched to the beat of their own drum, and just because the gutless makers of that Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Buttersworth froze their likenesses in time doesn't mean Newman's Own should follow in suit.

Buttons and Whittling

Buttons on a piece of clothing should have different distances between them so you know when you've gotten off track. That way, after you get the first button wrong, you would realize you had made a horrible mistake just one button later. It would either be too short to even button, or you would have a big bunch of excess clothing. The days of not realizing your mistake until you've buttoned the whole shirt and ended up with one extra button or buttonhole would be over. If shirts were made this way, I would have saved about 13 days worth of re-buttoning time over the course of my life. What would I do with all that free time? I don't know, probably take up whittling I guess.

Apprehend That Man!

Whenever I hear a car alarm go off, or that department store stolen goods alarm starts beeping, then I scream at the top of my lungs, "THIEF! THHHHHHHIIIIEEEFFFF! Everyone, there is a thief!!!!" So far, I've only gotten ugly stares from people who have accidentally bumped into a parked car or left the security tag on clothing they just bought, but one day I will be right. And on that day, I better be getting a good citizen medal or something.

Magazines and Doctors

In a perfect world, the doctor would walk in right after you finished that magazine article you were reading. I hate being cut off before I am done. I want to know if that guy got convicted or if that researcher ever found that artifact or if that football player ever got his money back from that slimy agent.

But I also hate waiting. So you would think I would be happier if the doctor came in in the middle of an article as opposed to five minutes later at the end of the article. What the heck is going on in this world? Some things don't make sense. There's no pleasing some people.

Retirement Plans

When I retire, I am going to buy and RV and be a storm chaser. However, rather than going somewhere cliche like Tornado Alley to do the chasing, I plan on chasing storms in the Mojave Desert. What can I say? I like the challenge of being a storm chaser in the desert. I got guts.

Just Get Up

Sometimes I wake up anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours before my regular alarm time because I need to pee badly. Usually, I sit in bed and debate if it is worth getting out of bed to do my business. This usually just wastes time, because I have to get up eventually due to the pain. I don't know why I sit there and think about it. It's not like I've ever regretted getting up and going. Usually, I crawl back in bed real cozy thinking, "Ahhhh, much better."

Unfortunately, my wake-up self has almost no relation to my normal self. When I think about this person, it is not really me; it is another version of me. It is like me in an alternate reality. If only there was a way to cross the barrier and communicate with this person, kind of like how some wish they could give their younger selves advice. If I could talk to this version of me, I would tell him, "Don't debate, just get up and pee. You always end up doing it anyway. And you have NEVER ONCE REGRETTED IT!" If only.

A Christmas Tradition

If you are looking for a new Christmas tradition to celebrate with your family, then I've got the thing for you. It's a Santa Clause pinata. Can you believe they make this? It is great. This is a wonderful way to give the children confused feelings about Santa. You get the pinata and pummel it in front of kids. They will enjoy the candy that comes out, but they will be horrified that Santa is being pummeled. They will associate beating up Santa, the symbol of generosity at Christmas, with getting yummy candy. Their mixed feelings will haunt them for years. It will probably make them go to therapy, too.

Well Then Try This Face

So you guys seen this whole face transplant stuff? Crazy.

Face Transplant Story

According to the article, this is the "first near-total face transplant in the United States."

They are mistaken, however. This was not the first face transplant. Those who watched Knight Rider should know that Michael Knight received a face transplant. That was in the 80's. Then in the 90's, I recall a couple of guys actually switched faces. One was a cop going undercover with a bad guy's face, so the bad guy stole the cop's face. It was crazy.

Either way, these people really need to check their facts before they write stuff.

Where Does One Get an "I Blogged" Sticker?

When I voted in November, I got a sticker with the words "I Voted" on it. It also had a nice little American flag. It'd be kind of cool if we got stickers for a lot of other stuff we do. Like maybe restaurants could hand out "I Ate" stickers, and bathrooms could have "I Pooped" sticker dispensers. You could take pride in your "I Passed a Kidney Stone" or "I Stopped Bleeding" sticker you received from the hospital. If you are brutally honest, you could wear things like the "I Was Divorced" sticker you received from your ex-spouse's lawyer, or the "I Cried Myself To Sleep" sticker your roommate gave you after that night you thought he was asleep. Hey, it's you, be proud of who you are!

First of all, this is good because stickers are awesome, and second of all, we will all know a lot more about each without having to ask as many questions. I hate it when people I just met ask me too many questions. Just read the sticker!

About Me - Thighs

I give myself deep thigh massages with bottles of oil from Bath and Body Works that costs me 32 bucks a pop.

A Special Thanksgiving Thought

You know, this last Thursday I was thinking of all the things I am thankful for. So I got to thinking about venomous snakes. Did you know that the venom of a baby snake is tons more potent than the venom of a full grown snake? Isn't that something else? It's an enhanced defense mechanism or whatever. Anyway, I am thankful that human babies aren't incredibly venomous. Can you imagine how dangerous they would be? Who would want to take care of them? And boy, breast feeding would be twice as dangerous! Nothing is healthier for a young baby than mother's milk. I imagine if their children were venomous, quite a few ladies would pass on the breast feeding thing. So I am thankful that the human race doesn't produce venomous children.

How to Not Save Time

I walked into a a take-out place the other day, and I decided I would do something different to save myself some time. Instead of locking my car door, I left the sucker unlocked. I would be able to see my car the whole time, so I didn't fear someone meddling with it. I figured it would be much quicker because I wouldn't waste time fumbling for my keys with the to-go food in my hand. I love saving time!

Well, my plan worked perfectly for a while. I got in my car, put the food in the passenger seat. Sweet, I didn't have to spend any time unlocking the door! But then, I needed to start the car. My keys were still in my jeans pocket. Since I was sitting down, I swear it took me about 30 seconds and much arching of my back to get the keys out. Time saved: -13 seconds. Certainly not the advantage I anticipated. I just guess that goes to show, you should never change up your routine, because change is bad and screws everything up.

After I wrote this blog entry, something seemed familiar. I did some searching, and I found some advice I should have listened to:

What Genius Wrote This?

If I had listened to that guy, I could have saved myself some time.

What Low Gas Prices?

I just met a recently thawed dude who had been frozen in ice in 2003. He has no idea about the junk that has gone on with gas prices the last few years. He is showing zero appreciation for the current price drop. I wish he would at least act excited.

Pour Some Sugar

You know those people who take pride in not adding sugar or creamer to their coffee? Who the heck do they think they are? Why is this considered a badge of honor to them?

Oooooo, you are so bad. You don't need any sugar or creamer. How bitter it must taste! But you don't care because you are so tough! I'll bet you sleep on a bed of nails at night, don't you?

Just stop acting like you are more of a man than me because you don't add sugar to coffee. There is nothing unmanly about sugar. Sugar tastes great. In fact, judging by how much larger you are than me, I am guessing you too enjoy sugar via other means than coffee. So just wipe that haughty look off your face and drink your coffee and don't think you are better than me because you don't need sugar and creamer. Got it?

When Hadrons Collide

Perhaps you have heard about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It is going to accelerate particles and we will learn some stuff supposedly about bosons or something. Well, there are some people who are worried that this thing may destroy the Earth. Some of the theories are described here:

How We're All Gonna Die From The Large Hadron Collider

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to listen to these bunch of sissies. There is nothing to be afraid; trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have a Small Hadron Collider (SHC) in my basement that has never given me a bit of trouble. I have been operating it for years now. Sure, it released a couple of demons from an alternate dimension, and it managed to give my dog wings, but the overall effect has been minimal. It is most certainly not Earth threatening (unless the demons suddenly decide to eat Earth instead of children). So sleep well, your Earth is not ending.

Domino's Receipt

When I pick up my pizza at the nearby Dominoes, they do something crazy with my credit card receipt. I sign the white copy, and it does that thing where it also signs the yellow copy underneath. You would think the customer would get the yellow copy, wouldn't you? Wrong. The person is always all like, "No, you keep the white one." Why do I need the white one with my real signature? That's the one you need, lady! I know what my signature looks like. I can give myself an autograph at anytime. I will never be in need of my own original signature. I will never take some document to the courthouse and be told, "Wait, you need to sign this," and then freak out because I don't have my signature on me. I can make a new one. I won't say, "CRAP! I left my signature at Dominoes! Just hold on and let me go get it!"

So Dominoes, really, just take the white copy like everyone else. Okay?

Broad Daylight

You normally hear the term "broad daylight" when something bad has happened. You know, like, "An elderly woman in a Kroger parking lot was slapped in the face and sprayed with butter flavored Pam in her eyes by a teenage assailant in broad daylight today." I don't think this is fair. It gives broad daylight a bad reputation. You know, a lot of good things happen in broad daylight, too. For example: I watered my plants in broad daylight last week. I hugged a child in broad daylight yesterday. I ran over a teenager with my car in broad daylight today, and I am pretty sure he is dead.

Now, I know what you are thinking: running over and killing a teenager is a bad thing that is more in line with the regular usage of "broad daylight." Well, this kid was holding a spray can of Pam, and I am pretty sure he is the one who assailed that old lady. I was a representative of justice today, and if that's not good then I don't know what is.

More Arguing Tips

A good line to use when arguing, even when it is not true, is "You just made my point." This statement is very frustrating and disconcerting to the other arguer.

Me vs Mosquitoes

I have been outdoors a bunch the past few days, and I have about 15 mosquito bites. Despite this, in the overall War for my Blood with the mosquitoes, I think I am still winning. I have a ton of blood left in the ole tank. However, I am losing badly in the War to Make Each Other Itch.