Sacred Eves

Let me just start by saying my wife is not a Hooters restaurant fan. So December 23, we were driving to the mall to buy a Christmas gift or two. On the way, we drove past a Hooters establishment where the parking lot was pretty full. So my wife says in disgust, "I can't believe these people would go to Hooters on Christmas Eve Eve!"

Now, the point of this story is not whether or not your should go to Hooters. The point of this story is that my wife created a new holiday: Christmas Eve Eve. If it is that easy to make the day before a holiday its own special day, like Christmas Eve, then why not keep adding "Eves" until you get to December 26, almost a full year before Christmas? That way, every day would be a little more special. My wife's instinct to come up with some crazy reason to have more distaste towards the patrons at Hooters might actually be the greatest idea ever said by a person in my car in the last week or so.

I'm Not Gonna Lie

It's the Christmas season, so I would like to take a moment to talk about something I am thankful for. I am thankful that so many people say, "I'm not gonna lie," before they say stuff. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago before people did this, but it was a more complicated time. You never knew if the person you were talking to was lying to you.

Suppose you were at a restaurant. Your friend orders and then eats a piece of cake for dessert. A few years ago, the friend might say, "I really liked that cake." But was he telling the truth? How can you tell?

What if he was lying!!?!!??

Well, now your friend might say, "I'm not gonna lie. That was some good cake!" There is no question that he liked the cake now. You can rest easy knowing he's not lying to you.

So the next time you hear the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" or some variation of it, just smile and be thankful that the person talking is a straight shooter who isn't full of it. You know he's not full of it because he just told you. And you can't put a price tag on that. It's not like shoes or a tie or perhaps some canned meat. You can put a price tag on all of those things and it would make sense. No, it is words, and you might be able to write them on some paper and then put a price tag on the paper, but you know, if you're just saying them and not doing that then you can't put a price tag on them, because that is impossible.

Am I being sarcastic, though? Do I really like it when people say this, or does it really annoy me? Do I think people say it way too much, and I actually think it is stupid? Well, I'm not gonna lie, so I guess I just won't tell you.

About Me - Nickname

I have always wished my nickname was "Stallion."

More Clarifying

There are some things in that last post I need to clear up, before all you silly readers kill a poor defenseless pup. Some of you have asked me to do your children's birthday parties, but I'm not really a mime you bunch of non-smarties. It was just a silly rhyme, I can do them on a dime! I admit that I am not actually good at miming, or half competent at climbing, and I have an ogre's skill at timing. You see, I was really merely rhyming, and I am quite accomplished at... ah forget it.

Another Clarification

I need to clarify the latest post, and be a good host. A number of you poor sops have contacted me about my climbing chops . Please don't react in stiff anger, just 'cause I ain't Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. I must admit that I am not actually good at climbing, or even good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I use hands and facial expressions when miming.

Clarification

I need to clarify the last thing I said, like a head in a bed. A number of you have contacted me about my "timing" skills and tried to get me to help you with different deals. I must admit that I am not actually good at timing, I was really merely rhyming, and I am still awesome at climbing.

I Rhyme

I am really good at rhyming, just like I'm good at timing.

The Hardest Thing

Just about the most difficult task you could undertake is to try to fetch something deep in your jean pocket while you are sitting down.

Straight Walkin' Mike

People call me Straight Walkin' Mike. This is because I walk in straight lines everywhere, even if it means walking on grass instead of a sidewalk.

Hollywood Love

I was watching Scrubs reruns a couple of weeks ago, and I realized why marriages never work in Hollywood. One character Turk says to his girlfriend Carla that old cliche about how she annoys him to no end, but he loves her so much. You see it all the time in movies and on TV, where the characters annoy and frustrate each other so much, but they also love each other so gall durn much that they just have to get together in the end and live happily ever after. The Hollywood crowd seems to think that if you aren't getting on each other's nerves, then you probably aren't in love. They are very confused about what a healthy relationship looks like. The rest of America knows that when someone gets on your nerves, instead of marrying them, you generally avoid them. I can't think of a friend of mine who has had the moronitude to try to stick through a relationship where the two people annoy each other all the time. I think if some people in Hollywood would read this, a lot of divorces down the road wouldn't happen. If they just realize that it's alright to marry someone you get along with and generally a bad idea to marry someone you don't get along with, their divorce rate wouldn't be 99.999 percent.

Mick E. Dees

A few weeks ago outside of the McDonald's in town, there was a sign that said, "McDonald's Salutes The Best Employees In America." I think I will let you all just enjoy that statement, because there really is no need for an added joke or explanation or anything like that.

Fine, just one joke: What's next, a strip club putting up a sign that says something like, "The Booby Trap Is Proud To Employ Only College Graduates," or perhaps Saturday Night Live with an advertisement that says, "We Only Hire Writers And Actors Who Are Funny."

Fine, two jokes: I hope it didn't take the "Best Employees In America" as long to put up that sign honoring themselves as it did to get me my Big Mac meal that same week. And for those counting, that would be 14 minutes.

Okay, I'm done.

Favorites

My favorite bird name is the whooping crane. My favorite bird, however, is the golden eagle.

Pockets

The best thing about cold weather is the extra pockets. In hot weather, my keys, phone, Ipod, chapstick, spare change, and whatever else gets shoved into my two measely shorts pockets. But cold weather is like a Pocket Wonderland with the bonus jacket compartments. October should be renamed Pocketober.

About Me - Envelopes

I like to push the envelope. I also like to pull the parcel. The post office just wishes I would carry both of them out of their facility in a normal manner and not make such a scene.

Let Them Eat Cake

I just saw a commercial for a period movie called Marie Antoinette, and at the end, the voice over dude said, "Based on a true story." No crap. Man, things are really getting ridiculous around here. The sad thing is that there are probably a good number of people who say, "Oh really?" at the end of that commercial instead of "How stupid do you think I am?"

Luck Of The Irish

I was on the bus the other week, an older guy with a thick Irish accent started talking to a younger American dude. I could tell from the start the American was a bit of a tool. So they were chatting, and the Irish guy said his daughter was at school in Norfolk. The younger American dude asked where that was, which to me is pretty close to being a dumb question right there. The Irish guy said, "Virginia." And then the moron from Alabama said, "Oh, is that where you are from originally?" I was sitting in front of them, and my jaw just dropped. That truly is one of the top 7 or so dumbest questions I have ever heard. It's the sort of thing that you see in movies and kind of roll your eyes because people aren't that dumb in real life. The Irish man was a bit taken aback, and he said,"Uh, no. I'm from Ireland." And the young American moron said, "Oh." I can understand messing up and wondering if he was from Scotland, or England, or even any European locale if the American just wasn't all that with it. But Virginia? Did he really think that Virginians had that sort of accent? There is no excuse for that one.

Will Kick Shins For Hats

When I was a kid, I was always jealous of those cool kids who could bend their hat bills just right. I spent a great deal of time trying to perfect the bill bend. But I would either bend it to a pointed crease, not bend it enough, or bend it unevenly or something like that. If I ever did get it close to looking right, it would look crappy again by the next morning. So I would see dudes with cool looking hats, and I wanted to kick them in the shins and take their hats with their sweet bills. Of course, the problem all along was probably my funky oblong head, but I'd rather point my anger to the elementary/middle school cool crowds with cool hats, because some of those cool guys still deserve a cool kick to their cool shins either way.

It Depends

My daughter relieves herself in her diaper. My wife and I keep trying to get her to use her little toilet, but she refuses. The more I think about it, I actually think she is the smarter one in this situation. I mean, she just does her business whenever she feels like it. She doesn't have to take a bathroom break ever. She never has to get up in the middle of a movie. She never has to leave the dinner table.The more I think about it, why do we ever get out of diapers? I know you are thinking "Because it is gross to go in your pants," but if we all did it that way, would it still be so gross? I think I am going to go buy some adult diapers and try this whole thing out. Someone has got to be the leader on this thing

Those Daredevils

I was watching some motocross trick jumping thing the other day, and it got me thinking: How the heck do you practice those tricks? I compare it to my own experiences learning how to flip and do other stuff off a diving board. Whenever I tried to learn a new dive, I would "bust" at least 5 or 6 times before I could get it right. That is fine when you are jumping a couple of feet into water, but it seems to me that it would not be very safe when jumping 40 feet in the air on a motorcycle. What happens when you chicken out right after you jump like I did on so many gainers? The worst thing that would happen to me was falling on the side of my face and getting an ear ache. I guess a lot of motocross people just die. That's why there's that saying within the motocross community, "A motocross rider who doesn't have big balls and isn't really gutsy dies because he will chicken out while doing a trick, and those with guts will die because they will over-rotate their first time trying a new trick, so basically all motocross riders die trying a new trick." That saying has been criticized as being too long and wordy, but people said the same thing about Moby Dick. This fits, because a good metaphor for people trying new tricks on motorcycles is Captain Ahab trying to kill a whale with a sharp metal stick while only having the use of one leg.

You Tool Belt!

People used to just say the word "tool" when they were making fun of others. But now, people often call someone a "tool bag." If it's that easy to come up with a new cutdown, I think I will try one myself. My variation: "tool belt." I have already started calling people this. It narrowly won a runoff in my own head, beating out "tool box," "tool shed," "toolbar," and "Matt." I may still use any one of these whenever "tool belt" gets old. That is usually judged as the time it starts getting used on Nickelodeon shows. You always have to stay ahead in this kind of business, or you will get left behind.