Not the Bees!

The death of a bee by the loss of stinger is one of the most bittersweet in nature. Death is cold and dark, but they die knowing they protected their queen. They are at peace. That is why I like to whisper to bees that stung me, "I am still up and running, and I am going to kill your queen and steal your honey." Bees that sting me don't deserve tranquility on their death beds. Stings hurt.

No Talk Shows

Why is it that someone can go on a talk show and admit they used to be addicted to illegal drugs and don't get in any trouble with the law, but if I went on a TV show and finally admitted I used to have an addiciton to killing drifters, they would put me in jail? I'm not saying I've had that addiction, I'm just saying.

Bigfoot

In the second draft of the movie script I am writing, in the last scene, the bad guy reveals himself to be... Bigfoot! He was old Sasquatch himself the whole time! Hidden under that costume of human skin was a hairy, mangy beast whose insane blood lust was only outweighed by his yearning to be human! He ends up getting killed by the sheriff with a bow and arrow... but as he falls off the cliff into the lava, he grabs Michelle's dress and tragically takes her with him! In the end, the sheriff loses his evidence of Bigfoot, and his mother is dead, but he comes out of things with a new outlook on life.

However, in the third draft, I dropped the Bigfoot character entirely and replaced him with a robot tiger who could talk. In the fifth draft, I scrapped the whole idea of a "bad guy" and turned it into more of a romantic comedy. I would still like to include that Bigfoot bombshell in there somewhere, though.

Vampires

Do you think vampires are real? The people in the movies never think they are real either. Then their insides get eaten by vampires.

The Death Panel and Me

Some people say the next thing after socialized medicine is death panels deciding who lives and who dies in some cases. But do you know what I say? What's so wrong with having death panels anyway? I mean, someone's got to decide, right? Might as well be an impartial panel. There's only so much medicine to go around, people, public health care or not.

I admit part of the reason I am pro-death panel is because I would definitely apply to be on a panel. That job would be awesome. Holding all these lives in the palm of your hand. If I was the head of a death panel, I would insist we vote with either thumbs up or thumbs down, just like Caesar does in the movies. Also, if your fate comes down to a death panel decision, I think it would be good to have previously been involved with said death panel as a member. It will be a lot harder for them to let you die, having previously been friends. Of course, I have a good personality and people generally like me. For those of you with more abrasive personalities, maybe it would be better to steer clear of all death panel members as much as possible.

Lawnmower Man

When mowing the lawn, sometimes I feel like a jerk for trying to hold to the property line so tightly. Why not help the guy next door and mow his lawn a little here and there? So last week I purposefully broke the straight line and randomly mowed his side. I thought it proved I wasn't such a stickler for this whole "property line" thing, and it also made my neighbor's job easier next time he mowed. He could skip those patches I hit if he wanted to. Well, my neighbor must be some kind of psycho, because he came out yelling at me and telling me to stay in my own yard. So unappreciative. The guy must be territorial I guess. He needs to be on some kind of medication or something.

But seriously, can you imagine the nerve of that guy to yell at me just for veering out of my yard from time to time to mow spots on his lawn? And then he yelled at me a second time just because I continued to do it immediately after he finished yelling the first time. I guess I thought once he saw how resiliently nice I was, he would change his mind on the issue, so I continued veering. But you know what? In the end, I am glad I mowed it that way, because it helped reveal what a quack my neighbor is.

I'm on a Boat

It is a scientific fact that every 6 seconds, some white dudes on a cruise ship or ski boat or some other floating vehicle somewhere are singing the SNL song "I"m on a boat!", and they think it is hilarious.

Born To Roam

According to this article, wolf hunting is now legal in America. Awesome, I no longer have to hide my hobby! If only wolf fighting were also legalized, illegal activities would only occupy 45% of my free time. I really want to get back down to 45%. I feel like anything above that is setting a bad example.

Wizards

When it comes time to drop each of my kids off at school for the first time, I am going to say where some of their new classmates can hear me, "And remember: no using magic at school." That way, their friends will think they might be wizards or witches attempting to live normal lives among normal people. They will always be watching my kids closely and try to figure out if they are using magic. The classmates will also be slightly afraid of my kids. I think that would add some zest to their school careers.

Rats

Companies always test products on rats to see if the products are toxic. If the thing makes the rats hair fall out or gives them cancer, then the product is not going to make it to the human market. I think a pretty interesting side effect of this is that if humans go through a mass extinction due to some new food or perfume that is deadly to humans but was safe for rats, the rats will still be able to eat our dead bodies with no ill effect. Because after all, we never put anything in our bodies that would hurt a rat. While it might kill vultures or ants or the other things that normally scavenge on dead meat, the rats won't even lose hair or develop skin rashes from the poison. I'll bet rats get really excited by this possibility. Patience, rats, patience.

Body of Water

There are some things touted as facts that simply aren't true. One is the lie that the human body is 70-80% water. No it's not. It is mostly bones, blood, organs, and all that gross stuff. You are not going to split me open and find a huge reservoir of water. Come on you bunch of sheep, stop believing everything you read!

Grassroots, Baby!

So I read this article here about how the Sears Tower is being renamed:

Sears Tower Renamed

As can be expected, the name change has been met with some protest. After all, you hate to see a name as organic and innocent as "Sears Tower" be displaced by something commercial. In fact, according to the article, literally THOUSANDS of people have started a facebook group to protest the renaming. With an entire facebook group against them, how long do you think the new name will last?

Which brings me to my point: as a rule of thumb, when a story cites that a facebook group has started to protest something and then cites that X number of people have joined it, you can pretty much bet the farm that whatever those people are against will go on unaffected by their facebook group. Time and time again this is true. There is no red flag more associated with a lost cause than a facebook group. Gathering people together on the internet to complain together will never change much of anything. It reminds me of a folksy phrase my grandfather used to like to use when he saw something he considered useless: "That's about as useful as an online petition."

Whistler

When I was little, I had a Nerf football that whistled when it was thrown. I think if footballs whistled on the collegiate and NFL levels, attendance would increase 3%. Also, fans would be encouraged to be quiet like at a golf event so everyone could hear the whistle. Just something for you football bigwigs to think about in case you have to shake things up in the near future.

I Need Oil

So I went to the mechanic the other day, and I says to 'em, I says, "Hey you. I would like an oil change." So he says to me, he says, "OK. That'll be 24 bucks, pahdna." So what I do then? I go, "Naw, I'm gonna pay you for that oil this a-way." I then pulls outta knife, cuts me hand, and I wiped it all over the guys face, and I says to him, "That outta cover the oil!" Then he punched me in the face and called me a freak.

All this to point out that despite what many people may think, blood is still not a valid bartering item for oil.

Restraining Orders

You know, in my experience restraining orders are just like speed limits in parking lots: they don't really mean anything.

About Me - Hand Washing

I don't sing "Happy Birthday" to myself while washing my hands to ensure I lather long enough, and I have no patience for people who do. You are a time waster in my opinion.

Tortured Soul

I once met a man who told me that his life experiences had left him so jaded and world weary that he just didn't even care about anything anymore. He told me he was so complicated, he was incapable of crying. I told him that was ridiculous, and I slapped him and slapped him until he cried. But then I got to thinking, wow, this guy was so deep that he put up a front all about how he was incapable of crying, and he was so disappointed that I didn't believe him that he started to cry. So I guess he was really that complicated after all.

I know you think it was probably the physical part of me slapping him that made him cry, but you're wrong. It was the mental part. That is why you would make a horrible detective. You lack instinct. And who was this man I slapped? It was none other than John Amos, the dad from Good Times and costar in numerous other influential projects.

Two Kinds of People

Friends, in my experience there are two kinds of people in this world: one kind can be described a certain away, and the other kind can be described the exact same way but with the word "not" inserted somewhere in the description.

Why Peanut Butter is Awesome

I think what makes peanut butter so awesome is that if you have jar open and knock it off the counter, no peanut butter will spill out thanks to its adhesive properties. It is truly a breath of fresh air from the other more spillable things that are kept in jars.

Multi-couple Weddings? Why Not???

Sometime, I really like the way things happen in movies. One thing I love is when more than one couple gets married at a time at the same wedding. Every now and then it just so happens that people are just such good friends that they have to be wed in the same ceremony, as many as three or four couples at a time. I wish I could go to a wedding like that. It would be pretty neat, all the couples looking at each other and laughing and just being the best friends ever. The minister would say something cute like, "You may now kiss... the brides!" and throw his hands up in the air while smiling, basically thinking to himself that this is crazy, but boy is it fun! I just wish that happened more in real life. Oh well.