Wizards

When it comes time to drop each of my kids off at school for the first time, I am going to say where some of their new classmates can hear me, "And remember: no using magic at school." That way, their friends will think they might be wizards or witches attempting to live normal lives among normal people. They will always be watching my kids closely and try to figure out if they are using magic. The classmates will also be slightly afraid of my kids. I think that would add some zest to their school careers.

Rats

Companies always test products on rats to see if the products are toxic. If the thing makes the rats hair fall out or gives them cancer, then the product is not going to make it to the human market. I think a pretty interesting side effect of this is that if humans go through a mass extinction due to some new food or perfume that is deadly to humans but was safe for rats, the rats will still be able to eat our dead bodies with no ill effect. Because after all, we never put anything in our bodies that would hurt a rat. While it might kill vultures or ants or the other things that normally scavenge on dead meat, the rats won't even lose hair or develop skin rashes from the poison. I'll bet rats get really excited by this possibility. Patience, rats, patience.

Body of Water

There are some things touted as facts that simply aren't true. One is the lie that the human body is 70-80% water. No it's not. It is mostly bones, blood, organs, and all that gross stuff. You are not going to split me open and find a huge reservoir of water. Come on you bunch of sheep, stop believing everything you read!

Grassroots, Baby!

So I read this article here about how the Sears Tower is being renamed:

Sears Tower Renamed

As can be expected, the name change has been met with some protest. After all, you hate to see a name as organic and innocent as "Sears Tower" be displaced by something commercial. In fact, according to the article, literally THOUSANDS of people have started a facebook group to protest the renaming. With an entire facebook group against them, how long do you think the new name will last?

Which brings me to my point: as a rule of thumb, when a story cites that a facebook group has started to protest something and then cites that X number of people have joined it, you can pretty much bet the farm that whatever those people are against will go on unaffected by their facebook group. Time and time again this is true. There is no red flag more associated with a lost cause than a facebook group. Gathering people together on the internet to complain together will never change much of anything. It reminds me of a folksy phrase my grandfather used to like to use when he saw something he considered useless: "That's about as useful as an online petition."

Whistler

When I was little, I had a Nerf football that whistled when it was thrown. I think if footballs whistled on the collegiate and NFL levels, attendance would increase 3%. Also, fans would be encouraged to be quiet like at a golf event so everyone could hear the whistle. Just something for you football bigwigs to think about in case you have to shake things up in the near future.

I Need Oil

So I went to the mechanic the other day, and I says to 'em, I says, "Hey you. I would like an oil change." So he says to me, he says, "OK. That'll be 24 bucks, pahdna." So what I do then? I go, "Naw, I'm gonna pay you for that oil this a-way." I then pulls outta knife, cuts me hand, and I wiped it all over the guys face, and I says to him, "That outta cover the oil!" Then he punched me in the face and called me a freak.

All this to point out that despite what many people may think, blood is still not a valid bartering item for oil.

Restraining Orders

You know, in my experience restraining orders are just like speed limits in parking lots: they don't really mean anything.

About Me - Hand Washing

I don't sing "Happy Birthday" to myself while washing my hands to ensure I lather long enough, and I have no patience for people who do. You are a time waster in my opinion.

Tortured Soul

I once met a man who told me that his life experiences had left him so jaded and world weary that he just didn't even care about anything anymore. He told me he was so complicated, he was incapable of crying. I told him that was ridiculous, and I slapped him and slapped him until he cried. But then I got to thinking, wow, this guy was so deep that he put up a front all about how he was incapable of crying, and he was so disappointed that I didn't believe him that he started to cry. So I guess he was really that complicated after all.

I know you think it was probably the physical part of me slapping him that made him cry, but you're wrong. It was the mental part. That is why you would make a horrible detective. You lack instinct. And who was this man I slapped? It was none other than John Amos, the dad from Good Times and costar in numerous other influential projects.

Two Kinds of People

Friends, in my experience there are two kinds of people in this world: one kind can be described a certain away, and the other kind can be described the exact same way but with the word "not" inserted somewhere in the description.

Why Peanut Butter is Awesome

I think what makes peanut butter so awesome is that if you have jar open and knock it off the counter, no peanut butter will spill out thanks to its adhesive properties. It is truly a breath of fresh air from the other more spillable things that are kept in jars.

Multi-couple Weddings? Why Not???

Sometime, I really like the way things happen in movies. One thing I love is when more than one couple gets married at a time at the same wedding. Every now and then it just so happens that people are just such good friends that they have to be wed in the same ceremony, as many as three or four couples at a time. I wish I could go to a wedding like that. It would be pretty neat, all the couples looking at each other and laughing and just being the best friends ever. The minister would say something cute like, "You may now kiss... the brides!" and throw his hands up in the air while smiling, basically thinking to himself that this is crazy, but boy is it fun! I just wish that happened more in real life. Oh well.

Hold on a Second

Whenever your boss walks up to your desk and wants to talk to you about something, a fun thing to say is, "Hold on, let me finish this last set of kegels." Then patiently wait for about 15 more seconds with a look of concentration on your face. Finally, say, "Alright, all done. What is it you wanted to see me about?"

If you know you are in trouble with your boss, this method can be used to buy time so you can think of an excuse. It also can be used just for fun.

Just Give Up

Remember that lady who sat on the toilet so long that her skin became stuck to the seat? It was about a year ago. She basically grew around the toilet seat and became one with it. Here is a link to refresh your memory:

Woman's skin grows to toilet

Anyway, ever since that happened, I realized something. Every time one of us sits on a toilet, we are initiating the act of becoming one with it. We are bonding to the toilet, just like that gross lady. The only difference is we get up before the union can run its course. Pretty incredible when you think about it. Our skin cells are trying their darnedest to permanently hook up with that seat.

I especially think about this when I spend too much time on a crossword. I say to myself, "Michael, you better get up. You are starting to become one with the toilet. Let it go." This is by far the best argument for me giving up on a crossword. I'll bet that woman who sat on the toilet for two years was doing a crossword the whole time. She probably said, "Darn it, I'm not getting up until I finish this thing." There was probably an entire corner of the crossword that was proper nouns she wasn't familiar with, and she just couldn't get the thing done. I definitely view her as a cautionary tale in my life. Sometimes the best choice of action is to give up.

Psychic Nose

I have a psychic nose. I can smell things before the scent is actually present. It is a useless gift for the most part. I have offered my services to the police department, attempted to make money with a 1-900 number, and tried to sell my story to Hollywood, but no one is really all that interested in my gift. It makes for a pretty cool party trick, though.

About Me - Range/Change

When someone shoots a basketball from a short distance and makes it, I say straight to their face, "No range, no change!" and keep the ball for myself.

Colosseum Jenga

Experts (whatever those are) say that the Roman Colosseum is in bad shape because over the centuries, the Roman's themselves stripped it of all its marble and a lot of its stone. From looking at it, much of it has quite obviously collapsed as a result. The Romans used the stripped parts of the Colosseum and other Roman architecture to build new opulent things, like the whole Vatican set up. It sounds to me like this stone stealing was just a really high stakes game of Jenga. Romans live on the edge, baby. If you are a gladiator and you lose, you often get eaten by an animal or stabbed with a pointy weapon. No second chance at the title belt like today. If you play Colosseum Jenga and you lose, you get crushed by tons of stone and marble. Jenga! Jenga! Jenga! JENGA!

Newman's Own Decomposition

Perhaps you are familiar with the Newman's Own food company. It was a wonderful company started by Hollywood's Paul Newman, and they make all kinds of things like popcorn, salad dressing, wine, olive oil, salsa, pasta sauce, iced tea, lemonade, cookies, coffee, grape juice, dog food, cat food, youth potions, and other stuff. All profits go to charity. As you can see, the picture above used in all Newman's Own products is a depiction of Paul Newman himself. Rather than make the likeness of Paul Newman's younger more famous Hollywood self, the picture is of an appropriately aged Newman.

Well, unfortunately Paul Newman has now passed away. This presented a problem for the makers of Newman's Own. Should they continue to use this picture, even though it looks nothing like Paul Newman now? Well, through some connections, I have been able to acquire the pictures Newman's Own plans on using in the future.


The company plans on rolling out pictures to match Newman's current state. The shot above obviously depicts an intermediate stage of decomposition on this bottle of their delightful Light Balsamic Vinagrette. Finally, after a few more updates, the company will settle on the picture below.

Opinion is split on whether or not accurately depicting Paul Newman on future products is a good idea. Some actually believe the sight of a decaying body may actually turn people off to these food products. However, Newman's Own leadership is confident that the public will appreciate the integrity of the products. They have always marched to the beat of their own drum, and just because the gutless makers of that Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Buttersworth froze their likenesses in time doesn't mean Newman's Own should follow in suit.

Buttons and Whittling

Buttons on a piece of clothing should have different distances between them so you know when you've gotten off track. That way, after you get the first button wrong, you would realize you had made a horrible mistake just one button later. It would either be too short to even button, or you would have a big bunch of excess clothing. The days of not realizing your mistake until you've buttoned the whole shirt and ended up with one extra button or buttonhole would be over. If shirts were made this way, I would have saved about 13 days worth of re-buttoning time over the course of my life. What would I do with all that free time? I don't know, probably take up whittling I guess.

Apprehend That Man!

Whenever I hear a car alarm go off, or that department store stolen goods alarm starts beeping, then I scream at the top of my lungs, "THIEF! THHHHHHHIIIIEEEFFFF! Everyone, there is a thief!!!!" So far, I've only gotten ugly stares from people who have accidentally bumped into a parked car or left the security tag on clothing they just bought, but one day I will be right. And on that day, I better be getting a good citizen medal or something.