May The Shrimp Never End

Has anyone noticed we are in the middle of the "Endless Shrimp" promotion by Red Lobster? Does anyone also find it odd that the promotion ends at the conclusion of this month? Maybe a more fitting name can be found.

About Me - Gas Pumping

When pumping gas, I am quite good at predicting when the pump will have a printing error and say "See cashier for receipt."

Another Reason for a Cyborg Registry

Can people with pacemakers be classified as cyborgs? If so, should we go ahead and round them up now or wait until they try to take over? Man, I think the right answer was given in the movie Minority Report, but I can't remember what Tom Cruise told me it was. Better go ahead and lock 'em up to be safe.

Batman Begins to Offend Me

If I was ever at Bruce Wayne's mansion for a dinner party, and he called me sycophantic, I think I would be pretty offended, even if I don't know what sycophantic means. And no, I wouldn't accept some hairbrained apology like he wanted me out just because Raz Alboohoo or someone was about to burn his house. There are just some things you don't say, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Mothra vs The Sun

Moths and other flies that love to hang around lights at night just don't get it. There is a freaking huge light during the day that you really can't miss. It's called the sun. Once you go sun, you never go back to porchlight. These guys are clueless.

The Phantom Hands

Last week I was in a restroom, and the automatic sink didn't turn on when I put my hands under the faucet. I took it in stride tried another one. The second little laser using device didn't work either. This was too much of a coincidence, so a question arose in my mind: ARE MY HANDS BECOMING INVISIBLE?

How does one know when he or she has become invisible? Can you still see yourself? I am not familiar with the physics of invisibility, but it was pretty obvious the automatic sink could not see me. What will life be like as an invisible man? Can I still keep my job? Will I be ridiculed? Will I spend the rest of my days stealing old ladies apple pies that are cooling on window sills and doing other sly things most invisible people do? Or will I stay honorable and only use my invisibility for good? Then, my boss walked in and said, "What are you doing? You have a really weird look on your face. Why are you staring at your hands?"

Was it possible my boss can see invisible people? It would be reasonable to believe my boss got the supervisor job because of some sort of special powers. I decided I would try one more test. I put my hands under the automatic hand drier, and it turned on! Well, either the invisibility was temporary or I never really was invisible. I will never be sure what exactly happened that day. My boss mentioned something about hoping I didn't try to flush the toilet because the water was turned off for pipe repairs or something, but I was skipping out of the restroom, too excited to pay much attention to the lady. Oh yeah, did I mention I was in the women's restroom? I guess that information really isn't pertinent.

Heartfelt Advice

If you need someone to talk to about all this stuff going on, you know, you should probably talk to me or a close friend or something. You know, really air it out and get some things off your chest. And if you don't have any close friends to talk to, then you should probably kill yourself. Because if no one likes you and you don't have any real friends, then what's the point of living anyway?

Bullies

Contrary to what is taught, bullies usually have very high self esteems. When you are in control of other people and can dominate them like a bully can, usually your last problem is self esteem. In fact, the people who usually have low self esteems are people who get picked on a bunch. It makes sense when you think about it.

In a related story, when people used to make fun of you, it wasn't because they were just jealous or something like that. It was because they thought there was something about you worth making fun of.

So there you have it. Your parents and teachers lied to you. Bullies don't have low self esteem and the person making fun of you wasn't jealous. To add insult to injury, they are probably a lot more successful than you now, too.

About me - Noodles

When making pasta, I am quite proficient at estimating how many uncooked noodles I need to yield the proper amount of cooked noodles.

Free Candy

Were you disappointed when you realized the snack machine has a contraption that keeps you from stealing candy? Yeah, me too. You look in that window and you don't see anything stopping you from getting all that candy. Then you push open the door and it all closes up. One minute, you think you just figured out how to get free candy, and then the next minute you were back to asking your mom for some change. And of course she says, "No, you've had enough candy today. You'll rot your teeth or get a tummy ache." Come on, mom!

Regibald The Handless

At work, sometimes we have an "All Hands Meeting." These meetings are a bit of a slap to the face to Regibald, my no-handed coworker. He lost his hands in an unfortunate accident at a lawn mower hugging competition. So is Regibald not invited since he doesn't have any hands? He doesn't feel invited. He just cries, and I don't blame him. But I still make fun of him for crying, because that is what you should do to men who cry about stuff, even if they don't have any arms and have a good reason to cry.

A Punt

Do you guys remember when you were little and throwing a football in a somewhat small area, like a backyard? You'd be throwing it, and one guy would be like, "OK, I'm going to punt it," and everyone else is like "No No No! Don't punt it!" and the other kid is like "No just let me do it. I will kick it straight." Then the kid kicks it off the side of his foot and it goes over the fence almost every time. Spectacular. Now someone has to climb the fence because of this guy. Great, there is a pit bull over there eating our ball. Why are you practicing punting????? We knew this would happen!

Can't Get The Red Off

Some things you will just never know, like how did they clean the Kool-Aid stains on a wooden spoon before there were dishwashers?

I Started The Mississippi. What Have You Done?

One day, I plan on starting the Mississippi River. How will I pull that off? Simple. I will go up to Minnesota where it officially begins, and I will pee in it. For those few seconds, I will be the great initiator of one of the most powerful rivers in the world. Aim high, kids, and one day you may be like me.

House Divided

I want to start a line of "House Divided" car tags that can be custom made. I got the idea when I saw a House Divided tag and it was Georgia Tech and Auburn. I mean, maybe 50 years ago that was a rivalry, but its not exactly the coming together of two opposites any more. So I was thinking maybe you could do like a house divided with Auburn and Boise St, or pretty much any random team. Or do it with a college and high school, like with Auburn on one side and maybe Jefferson High on the other.

But my favorite idea is to do it with completely non sports related stuff, like having a house divided between David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. That would be awesome if you saw a car with that on it. "My wife loves Diamond Dave, but I am a Sammy guy. Somehow we make it work." Guns 'n Roses fans could get a Axl/Slash house divided. You could do Star Wars Empire/Rebellion or Obi-Wan/Vader, or you could do Imus/Rutgers Girls Basketball, or Anniston/Jolie, Michael Vick/PETA, or pancakes/waffles, or naked spelunking/clothed spelunking, or ham/turkey, or Zack/Slater, or whatever you want. Those of you in broken homes can do a house divided: Mom/Dad one. Or perhaps a hurricane or earthquake victim who lost half their house literally could just have a house divided tag with a picture of their destroyed house. The possibilities are endless here, people. Whatever you want your house to be divided between, I'll make the tag.

Poison Control

If I worked at Poison Control, where people were always calling me about spider bites, snake bites, or swallowing different chemicals and so on, I would always throw a silver lining into the conversation. I would say, "Well, if it was radioactive, then maybe you will at least get some super powers out of this whole thing." I think that a poison victim would appreciate that positive outlook.

Did I mention I would also refuse to study the poison manuals or whatever they use? I would just wing it. I would tell every person who called me that they would be fine, just get some rest and take Benadryl. You know, I probably would only last a couple of weeks at this job, but the callers who survive would probably give me really good ratings on their feedback forms. The dead would give me no ratings at all. So you probably think I will keep my job, don't you? After all, I have really awesome ratings! Well you're wrong. Poison Control management doesn't even look at the ratings.

A Plague Market

History teachers are always trying to tell you how horrible the Black Plague was in Europe back in the day, how it killed a ton of people in horrible ways, blah blah blah. Despite all the bad publicity from these naysayers, though, the bubonic plague did have some positive aspects. Just think how easy it would be to buy a bunch of land after 1/3 of the continent is dead. There would be entire estates just totally wiped out that you could pick up for real cheap. Yes, economists generally agree that the best time to buy real estate is not when interest rates are lowered, but instead when there is a horrible plague going around killing a bunch of land owners. Why don't history teachers talk about these positive aspects of the plague more? Because history teachers don't fundamentally understand real estate, that's why.

Bugs Up On Me

If bugs knew how many of their brethren I have already killed, then they would probably stop landing and crawling on me. Of course, they will never know, because who is going to tell them? The dead bugs I have already killed? No, not them. They are dead now.

A True Story

I used to work as a painter. One time I painted an entire house with clown makeup as a joke. I thought it wouldn't last, but it turned out to be the most durable paint job I had ever done. What house exactly did I paint with clown makeup you ask? Well my friends, it was none other than Buckingham Palace. It just goes to show you that sometimes things work out.

Chicken

A couple of years ago, I slept outside of a Chick-fil-A store before it's grand opening so that I could get a year's worth of free Chick-fil-A. This translated to 52 coupons for a free combo meal. So I ate a ton of free Chick-fil-A food for awhile there. After the coupons were gone, I was pretty sick of Chick-fil-A. Nowadays, I am still not keen enough on the place to pay to eat there. But since I still have to eat there from time to time, I just order my food and run away with it without paying. That never works extremely well, because I only run as far as the sweet indoor playground. That is because my daughter climbs up and slides down The Eat-Mor-Chikin'-Play-Apparatus about 403+ times every time we are there. That's why I only steal on day shift when all the old ladies are working, because I can take three of them at a time (as long as one of them isn't Estelle) . So basically, I am still eating free Chick-fil-A.