Favorites

My favorite bird name is the whooping crane. My favorite bird, however, is the golden eagle.

Pockets

The best thing about cold weather is the extra pockets. In hot weather, my keys, phone, Ipod, chapstick, spare change, and whatever else gets shoved into my two measely shorts pockets. But cold weather is like a Pocket Wonderland with the bonus jacket compartments. October should be renamed Pocketober.

About Me - Envelopes

I like to push the envelope. I also like to pull the parcel. The post office just wishes I would carry both of them out of their facility in a normal manner and not make such a scene.

Let Them Eat Cake

I just saw a commercial for a period movie called Marie Antoinette, and at the end, the voice over dude said, "Based on a true story." No crap. Man, things are really getting ridiculous around here. The sad thing is that there are probably a good number of people who say, "Oh really?" at the end of that commercial instead of "How stupid do you think I am?"

Luck Of The Irish

I was on the bus the other week, an older guy with a thick Irish accent started talking to a younger American dude. I could tell from the start the American was a bit of a tool. So they were chatting, and the Irish guy said his daughter was at school in Norfolk. The younger American dude asked where that was, which to me is pretty close to being a dumb question right there. The Irish guy said, "Virginia." And then the moron from Alabama said, "Oh, is that where you are from originally?" I was sitting in front of them, and my jaw just dropped. That truly is one of the top 7 or so dumbest questions I have ever heard. It's the sort of thing that you see in movies and kind of roll your eyes because people aren't that dumb in real life. The Irish man was a bit taken aback, and he said,"Uh, no. I'm from Ireland." And the young American moron said, "Oh." I can understand messing up and wondering if he was from Scotland, or England, or even any European locale if the American just wasn't all that with it. But Virginia? Did he really think that Virginians had that sort of accent? There is no excuse for that one.

Will Kick Shins For Hats

When I was a kid, I was always jealous of those cool kids who could bend their hat bills just right. I spent a great deal of time trying to perfect the bill bend. But I would either bend it to a pointed crease, not bend it enough, or bend it unevenly or something like that. If I ever did get it close to looking right, it would look crappy again by the next morning. So I would see dudes with cool looking hats, and I wanted to kick them in the shins and take their hats with their sweet bills. Of course, the problem all along was probably my funky oblong head, but I'd rather point my anger to the elementary/middle school cool crowds with cool hats, because some of those cool guys still deserve a cool kick to their cool shins either way.

It Depends

My daughter relieves herself in her diaper. My wife and I keep trying to get her to use her little toilet, but she refuses. The more I think about it, I actually think she is the smarter one in this situation. I mean, she just does her business whenever she feels like it. She doesn't have to take a bathroom break ever. She never has to get up in the middle of a movie. She never has to leave the dinner table.The more I think about it, why do we ever get out of diapers? I know you are thinking "Because it is gross to go in your pants," but if we all did it that way, would it still be so gross? I think I am going to go buy some adult diapers and try this whole thing out. Someone has got to be the leader on this thing

Those Daredevils

I was watching some motocross trick jumping thing the other day, and it got me thinking: How the heck do you practice those tricks? I compare it to my own experiences learning how to flip and do other stuff off a diving board. Whenever I tried to learn a new dive, I would "bust" at least 5 or 6 times before I could get it right. That is fine when you are jumping a couple of feet into water, but it seems to me that it would not be very safe when jumping 40 feet in the air on a motorcycle. What happens when you chicken out right after you jump like I did on so many gainers? The worst thing that would happen to me was falling on the side of my face and getting an ear ache. I guess a lot of motocross people just die. That's why there's that saying within the motocross community, "A motocross rider who doesn't have big balls and isn't really gutsy dies because he will chicken out while doing a trick, and those with guts will die because they will over-rotate their first time trying a new trick, so basically all motocross riders die trying a new trick." That saying has been criticized as being too long and wordy, but people said the same thing about Moby Dick. This fits, because a good metaphor for people trying new tricks on motorcycles is Captain Ahab trying to kill a whale with a sharp metal stick while only having the use of one leg.

You Tool Belt!

People used to just say the word "tool" when they were making fun of others. But now, people often call someone a "tool bag." If it's that easy to come up with a new cutdown, I think I will try one myself. My variation: "tool belt." I have already started calling people this. It narrowly won a runoff in my own head, beating out "tool box," "tool shed," "toolbar," and "Matt." I may still use any one of these whenever "tool belt" gets old. That is usually judged as the time it starts getting used on Nickelodeon shows. You always have to stay ahead in this kind of business, or you will get left behind.

Bath Tissue

I was in the grocery store the other day, and I saw an aisle that had a label above it that read "Bath Tissue." I thought it was funny, because no one ever calls it bath tissue. It's toilet paper. I guess that stores don't want to have the word "toilet" written anywhere in the store. I tell you what though, if I am ever in charge of labeling at a grocery store, then first of all, it means my life has gone horribly wrong. But if I am in that position, I will make a sign that reads "Butt Wiping Paper," because about as many people call it butt wiping paper as ones who call it bath tissue. I think people will appreciate the more accurate term.

We also all call restrooms "bathrooms," even when they only have a toilet. Are we that scared of saying, "toilet"? Or are people taking baths in their toilets now? I guess if they are doing that, then they probably have to use the bathtub as a toilet, in which case the bath tissue sign from earlier is actually accurate. I guess it all adds up in the end.

Easy Target

When people say something that they think is really deep, a good thing to reply is, "That's not deep. That's stupid." This generally embarrasses them, even if what they had to say wasn't stupid, because when you try to say deep stuff, you are pretty vulnerable. Ripe for the pickin', I tell ya.

Parental Love

My parents used to tell me they loved me even more and more each day. They also told my brother and sister that. In addition, they told us all that they loved each one of us the same amount. Older and wiser now, I realize what this entails. My sister was about three years older than me. If my parents loved us both more and more each day, that would mean they loved me more at the time of my birth than they loved her at the time of her birth. She would have a three year head start on me, so when I was born, if they both loved us equally right away, then that means they loved me as much as they loved her after three years of increasing love. So basically, when I was a newborn, they were more attached to me than they were to my newborn sister three years before.

I will not get into the implications this has on how much they might have loved me compared to my younger brother.

I'm A Hip Jedi

A good exercise to do is to say, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force," even if you didn't feel anything. It's always funny to see how many other people say, "I felt it, too," just so it doesn't look like you are more in tune with the Force than they are.

The Map Legend

Amerigo Vespucci was the first real Map Legend in my book. I'll bet that the key on a map describing how far in real miles an inch on the map represents and which way is north and whatever else was probably supposed to be named after him. However, since his name is so long and funky and hard to spell (I had to look it up myself), they just call it a Map Legend. But I think the Vespucci family understands that it's nothing personal, and they are still thankful for the small gesture.

Why I Am Non-Shortbus Special

Lately, I have been lying on my back and putting both legs into my pants at the same time. I am totally going to call out the next guy who tries to pull that one leg at a time crap on me. Don't try and confine me to a box of what you think all people should be like. I am special. I am really going to make a fool of someone. How will the person even respond to that? You can't. You will just look stupid for your assumption. That is why it has been said that when you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "mption."

A tip?? A TIP!!??

The option to give a tip at a place where you are not waited on by a server bothers me. I've seen it at delis, burrito joints, barbecue joints, chicken finger joints, and pita joints. You order, give them your Visa, get your receipt back to sign, and there it is: a line for the tip and another for the new total. Or it could be in the form of a "tip jar" sitting next to the register. Now see here all you food joint managers: just because it costs more than fast food doesn't mean you get a tip. You have to actually do some kind of subservient duty, like parking cars or carrying baggage or coming to people's tables asking if they need refills. Quit being so greedy. You are already charging 8 bucks for a burrito. Cut me some slack, jack.

One day I am going throw over the tip jar, watch it shatter on the floor, and drive out that brood of vipers with a whip. Better yet, one day I am going to put "$-1.00" for the tip and then write the subtracted sum on the total part. I would then get a cheaper meal, because that is what they deserve for trying to guilt me into giving them a tip for manning the cash register.

I Don't Care If You Think They Are Funny

Ridonculous and ginormous are stupid words, and I have never found the use of either to be the least bit amusing.

The Dream I Had

This is the dream I had: I was on a boat. We were watching a documentary on snakes. It said "For this much air, a snake needs this much water to survive," and it had a little diagram that showed how much water a snake needed for the amount of air it lived in. This of course doesn't make any sense.

Then it cut to a guy being interviewed Discovery Channel style and he said "That is why it is so good to have sharks around when your are scuba diving," which i guess is because the sharks scare away the snakes. I don't know exactly though, because he didn't explain. Then, we walked outside on the boat and the captain was like "Here we are. We have to salvage the wreckage of this ship we are over right now..." and then boom! the whole boat shook. We had accidently run over the ship! We all realized there must be a hole in the ship, and we were going to sink right into snake infested water. Then, I woke up, which was disappointing because I would liked to see how I was going to get out of that mess!

Anyways, watch out for snakes.

Being Careful

I think you should be careful when using the term "snail mail" in front of people you don't know, because you might be in the midst of a mailman. And we all know how offended a mailman gets when you refer to his life's work as "snail mail." They always say something like, "I'd like to see you try to think of a better way," or, "But it's so hard with all these dogs out to get us!" or,"Oh yeah?! I'd like to see a snail drive a funky car with the steering wheel on the wrong side for 8 hours a day!" All you can really say is, "Sorry. You know, just compared to the modern electronic means, it is kind of slow." Then you just hope it is not the type of mailman that will come into your work shooting the next day. In fact, as a rule I generally wear my kevlar vest and protective lab goggles for a few days whenever I offend a mailman. You can never be too careful.

Snapping

If you ever see me snapping with both hands to some sort of sweet beat, look and listen a little closer. Are you really hearing two separate snaps? No, you're not. I can only snap with my right hand. The left hand merely fake snaps. Fooled you, though.