Shaking Soft Drinks

A really funny thing to do that you might have forgotten about is to shake up someone's soft drink when they are not looking. It was funny when you first learned it as a five year old, but then it got old and immature, and you had to put it on hiatus. Well, you are now at that age where it is funny again, so proceed.

Cici's On The Bus

So on the bus today, this girl sits down next to me. I can tell she is wearing some sort of perfume, and it smells quite familiar. It takes a second to register, but she smells just like one of the dessert pizzas at Cici's. So I think to myself, "That's really weird. I didn't know Cici's was in the perfume business." But they are.

If I wasn't taken, I think a pretty good pick-up line would be, "Hey baby. You really smell like Cici's dessert pizza." And she'd probably say, "Ahh yes, it is called Cici de Toilette."And that would be that.

Middle Name

If you have two middle names, then you really don't have a middle name. Because to be in the middle, the way I see it, is to be surrounded equally on both sides. However, for each middle name, there will be one name to one side and then two on the other, thus ruining the balance. So, like our former president George Herbert Walker Bush, Herbert would not be the middle name, but the second name from the left. Walker would not be a middle name, but the second name from the right. Which serves these people right, because they are generally pretentious anyhow. I mean who gives their kid two middle names? Is one not good enough for your kid? Is your child too special to be restricted by just haveing three names? Do you just have so much rich family history that one middle name would not do the trick? It wouldn't send enough shout-outs to your relatives? Because if you do think this, then you are a tool, and the joke is on you, because your kid doesn't even have a middle name.

And if someone is even more pretentious and gives their kid five names, well, then that's just not fair, because then they have a middle name plus two just for giggles. At that point, the blue bloods win.

Restrooms

Despite popular myth, guys and girls bathrooms are not all that different. In the girl's bathrooms, there are no magic fountains, open bars, plasma TV's, free pogs, magical lamps, or any of the other things that are popularized in urban mythology today among men. And women, I assure you, there is nothing special about the men's room either, although I am obviously not in the loop when it comes to what you women might be whispering to each other. How do I know these things? Because in my job, occasionally I must clean the women's bathroom. The only difference is the availability of urinals in the men's room. There is no conspiracy. Just let it go.

Mu Alpha Theta!

In high school, I was in the Mu Alpha Theta math club. Late in the year, there was a state-wide competition where all the MAT clubs would convene and do math problems. Of course, my high school was no match for White Station, who had quite a few international students who were math-a-holics. In fact, we were no match for most everyone else, as we were hanging around at the bottom of the pack. The scores were kept on a wall on a big poster type thing, where all the schools' scores in each round were written in marker big enough so that everyone in the huge room could read them from anywhere. So as we were leaving, having been destroyed by the other schools, I decided to go up and write a few 9's in front of all our scores with the marker. This of course ruined the whole board for everyone, and the head of the competition came over and started yelling at me, so I ran away and jumped in our bus. Luckily, everyone else was in, and I made a clean getaway, because the old hag chasing me was not in good enough shape to track me in the bus.

And these actions could have potentially made be cool, but unfortunately I did them while in a math club. So that pretty much negates anything cool about any of it. I am now embarrassed for even sharing this story.

Anchors Away

I love the awkward pause that news anchors or reporters have every once in awhile when they are cutting to another segment, but the next segment is a little slow getting there. All they can do is sit there and stare at the camera. Sometimes they might shuffle paper or look down, but you know they're not doing anything. It just always brings a smile to may face. It happens a lot when you are watching a TV show, and it is right before the show is going to come back on. The local anchor says something like, "Columbus man arrested for feeding blind grandmother live mice, this story and more at 11:00".............. and then nothing.... just sitting there, staring, praying the camera will turn off. It's the little things that make life worthwhile.

The White Crayon

Who invented the white crayon? What the heck is the point of that thing? Has anyone ever actually used the white crayon? That thing doesn't show up on the paper at all. Whenever a box of crayons is purchased, all the other crayons get used up and the white crayon is completely intact. I know what some of you may be thinking: What if you have to color on a piece of construction paper or some other non-white paper? Well, the white crayon still stinks, and we all know it. I wonder who invented it. I'll bet the other crayons had been made for awhile, and the dude was like "Eureka! I figured out how to make it white!" Then, all his scientist friends were all like, "Yeah, we've all known how to make it, but there's just really no point, because no one will ever use it." Then, the first guy would think the others were just jealous and continue to make white crayons, but the others really just knew the one guy was a moron.

Shocks

Man, I tell you what. I shock myself all the time in my office. And it's because of this static generator known as a "couch" that I often sit on in there. Whenever I get up, I can feel the charge. Sometimes I forget about it, though. I know one time I got up and touched the mouse on my computer, and boy o' boy! That one could've killed me. It's the worst when someone knocks on the door, because I just know I am screwed. I have just suck it up and open the door handle. BZZT!

Shocking wasn't always such a fun-free endeavor. When I was a senior in high school, there was this metal ball in physics class that would shock the willy nilly out of ya when you touched it. Man, it hurt. But it turns out it could be made into a pretty good weapon. Once you touch it and take your shock, you yourself can shock those who walk by by merely touching your finger to them. The only problem is that there was only an outlet at the back of the room. So, being the leader of men that I am, I had the whole class make a big hand-in-hand chain that could reach from the metal ball to the hallway. Kind of like a love-train where everyone is holding hands in a chain as a plea for peace, except we were holding hands so we could hurt people. So the bell would ring, tons of people would walk by, and I would shock them all. Man that was great. I even shocked my own freshman brother. People would try to dodge me, but they couldn't. The hall was too small. I felt like Earnest P Worrell must have felt like in Earnest Goes To Jail, where he gets the electric chair but instead of dying, he has the power to shoot electricity. It hurt just as bad for me as it did for them, but seeing people's faces really made up for it. And may Earnest rest in peace. Amen.

Holding It

I think when you have homework due very soon, it is good to try to hold in your urine for as long as possible while you work on it. The positive side of this is two-fold: you don't waste time going to the restroom, and the need to go adds to the sense of urgency you are feeling. You know, it just adds a little kick to your step. Now I'm not saying you should hold it until you get a bladder infection or something, just try and press the envelope as much as possible. You will be surprised at what you can get done when your brain is in its heightened alert 'I really need to pee now!' stage (notice I am still in single quote mode). Kind of like those ADD medications, just cheaper.

Quotation Fingers

You know the quotation fingers? Like when you are saying something in quotes, so you hold up your middle and pointer fingers and flex them up and down? Well, last week I decided that I would open the quote, but not finish. I did this by only contracting my fingers once instead of twice, which is the common thing to do. So in essence, until I decide to close the quotes, when I say something in quotes I only contract my pointer fingers, so that I am only using single quotation marks.

So basically, instead of saying: Brock Jacobson said, "The yelow pigments gave me herpes," I am motioning: Brock Jacobson said, 'The yelow pigments gave me herpes.' Because everything I say is in the big quotes. Quite revolutionary I think. I don't know when I will close the quotes. I originally intended it to be an experiment that only lasted a week, but this new found freedom of only using my pointer fingers to denote quotations is satisfying. We will just have to wait and see.

The Prosecution Rests

If I am ever a big time prosecutor assigned to a big time case, I know what I would do. I would bring a bowl of banana pudding to the courtroom. When the defense lawyer says to the judge, "But your honor, this man has no evidence," a slight smile will creep into my face. I will take my key piece of evidence, and I will look at it. I will walk slowly around the courtroom, studying the defendant, the jurors, and the judge, all the while thoughtfully glancing at the evidence in my hands. With determination, I will walk to the bowl I brought and place the evidence in it. I will then say, "Ladies and gentlemen, the proof is in the pudding."

Roaches In My Hair

So we have these tiny roach type things that often turn up in our kitchen. I usually kill a couple a day, sometimes 5 or 6. I have noticed that every time I kill one, it gives me this satisfaction of justice being served, and I say to myself, "Death comes to us all, Oruku Saki." This of course is what Splinter says to Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie before causing him to fall to his death. (of course, any follower of the TMNT trilogy knows that Shredder somehow survived the 10 story fall and subsequent crushing at the hands of Casey Jones and his garbage truck. But it is still a wonderful line.) So, anyways, I think that's kind of weird that I say that to myself and all that. Well, whatever, nevermind.

Nosy 6th Graders

And while we're on the subject of potty talk, I am reminded of when I was in elementary school. I remember the scariest thing to do was to take a dump in the bathroom. You only went if you were forced to due to an emergency, because you never knew when a 6th grader might walk in and make fun of you. How embarrassing.

I can even remember one instance where two sixth graders walked in during such an emergency situation, talking so cooly with their deep voices. I took evasive action and lifted my legs. That way, if they made the "look under" move, the stall would appear empty. The plan of course backfired when one of them walked back to get some tissue to blow his nose. He could see the faint figure of a 4th grade through the cracks. After he noticed, the two started whispering and snickering. I am sure the one guy whispered to the other guy something like, "There's that 4th grader Michael Shea in there. He's POOPING! With his legs up! Go and tell all the girls in school." Man, that was a bad day.

Toilet Flushing And The Rhombus

I believe that the rhombus is by far the most neglected geometric shape.

So in the aerospace building men's bathroom, ther are signs above every single toilet that read "Please Flush Toilet After Every Use." I think it's just amazing that there needs to be a sign instructing people to do this. But it is needed, as almost every day I go in there, I see a poop filled unflushed toilet. Flushing toilets is one of those things you are supposed to learn pretty early on, somewhere around learning how to walk, how to tie your shoes, how to read, how to cover up steroids in your urine, how to brush your teeth, how to torture a man, or how to eat solids. You would think that somewhere amid these early life lessons, the flushing lesson would occur. But I guess not.

No Rules, Just Right

Here are a few things I want to do:
1) Chase down and catch a squirrel. I gave up on this one at about age 10, but I figure I am a lot faster now with better stamina. Let the squirrel chasing resume.
2) Go into Outback Steakhouse naked, and when told to put on some clothes or face criminal charges, say, "That sounds an awful lot like a rule to me..."
3) That's about it. There is nothing else I want to accomplish.
4) No seriously, that's it

Parking 'n Stuff

I am really sick of these morons in Auburn who can't park between the lines. It's like some kind of idiot epidemic. Learn to park the huge SUV your dad bought for you. It's not that hard. If you are a little off on the first try, feel free to back up and try again until you are within the lines. Or get a smaller car.

And don't even get me started on Auburn drivers' inability to figure out the four-way stop. At least 3 times a week, I am the third car to come to a four-way stop, and I end up going first while the two morons stare at each other wondering whose turn it is. They need to teach a mandatory driving course at orientation. I'm sorry, not orientation, "Camp War Eagle."

Sesquicentennial

Just noticed on the Auburn homepage that Auburn University is celebrating its Sesquicentennial. I didn't know those existed. People are always looking for something to celebrate I guess.

Hand-Headed Shea Freaks

Now here's an idea: I think that I will make everyone in my family stop using their hands to pick things up. Instead, we will attempt to use our foreheads. From here on out, from generation to generation, the Shea's will try in vain to pick up things with their foreheads. After a few thousand years, I believe that an arm will evolve out of my descendants' foreheads as an adaptive measure (I know some experts will claim it should take millions of years, but we Sheas are fast evolvers). And I don't even think I need to explain here how cool it would be to have some sort of extremity on your forehead.

I think that after I die I will have my children freeze my head, so that I will be able to witness my forehead-armed offspring once my head is thawed and revived using future thawing-and-reviving techniques. I mean, it's my idea, so it's only fair that I get to see some Hand-Headed Shea Freaks (that's what people will call them, but it will be a term of endearment and a source of great pride)

Your Way, Right Away

What's the deal with those fast food commercials talking about how you can have a burger or sub made "just the way you want it"? I have never gone to a place and said,"Hey buddy. No lettuce, please," and been met with "Didn't you see the sign? You can't have it your way here. Only my way. And my way includes lettuce. Now shut up or my way will also include triple the mayonnaise and a healthy dose of my pit hair." Now that I think about it, that's really a pretty reasonable reaction though. I think a food chain should start going with that policy. It would actually boost business. You may not get the meal you like, but darnit, that chain's got balls and I'm gonna eat there.

Debit or Credit?

Why do I always have to think about it when the cashier says "Debit or Credit?"? You would think I would have a set answer by now. But every time, there is a good two or three second pause where I think "Do I want to use credit or debit? I can do either. This is such a big decision."

And for those who want to know, generally I choose debit. But sometimes, for reasons still not fully understood, I switch to credit. Just keeping them on their toes I guess.