Kidney Stones

If kidney stones tickled instead of hurt, people probably wouldn’t mind them as much.

Columbus Day

So Columbus Day was this week. Government employees got off work. But why? Columbus didn't even discover America. He discovered the Bahamas and Cuba. Right? And he thought it was India or something.

To find a parallel in another field, that's like some guy trying to design an airplane a long time ago that would fly into space. Instead of doing that, it actually goes underwater and successfully becomes the first submarine. And then years later, the guy gets celebrated by the dental industry for inventing the toothbrush. How does this make sense? I mean, yeah, he invented the submarine... but by accident, and what does this have to do with toothbrushes anyway?

Cell Phones

Cell phones are nice because whenever you are tired of talking to someone, you can just say their name a bunch and act like you can't hear them and then hang up. Believe or not, this was not a valid way of ending conversations before cell phones.

Somebody Say Something

I think it is really funny when someone says something to the effect of "Well, everyone must really like the food!" when an awkward silence occurs at a social dinner.

The More You Know - Separation

You know what separates us from the savages? Ballroom dancing.

About Me - The Three Things

There are three things I take everywhere with me: binoculars, superglue, and a backup pair of binoculars. You never know.

Airport Optimism

Some people complain about all the added airport security checks these days. But do you know who loves going through an airport? Me. I just really like being vindicated.

"Do you have any bombs are firearms in your luggage?"
"No"
"Well, we'll see about that. And walk through that metal detector while your potential bomb bearing carry-on goes through this machine"
Moments later...
"Here you go sir. Your story checks out. You are free to move about the terminal."

Vindicated, sucka!

Identical Doom

If you are an identical twin, probably the worst possible news you can hear is that your counterpart just died of natural causes. You're next, bub.

Bull Honkey

When I was little, my friends and I often used the phrase "Bull honkey!" to let someone know that you didn't believe what they were saying. It was a nice little set of words, but that phrase really hasn't survived all that well. I don't plan on using it at the next meeting at work or anything.

However, about 13 years ago in high school, everyone used to say "Let's get crunk." Then nobody said it. Now people are saying it again. Maybe "Bull honkey" will make a comeback too. I will be ready, just in case.

Pacemakers

I have heard some people say lately, “Pacemakers! Ha! Who needs ‘em?” Well I’ll tell ya who, Buster. People with irregular heartbeats, that’s who!

The Ski Mask Paradox

They should fix ski masks so that crooks can't use them anymore. If ski masks didn’t conceal a person’s identity, then they wouldn’t be used by the crooks so much. But if they didn’t cover a person’s entire face, then people would get cold faces while skiing. And since they cover a person’s face, they conceal their identity. Thus, they are often used by crooks who don’t want people to know who they are. Do you see the problem here? So much for easy fixes in this world!

Lame Duck

Let's talk about lame ducks. I think that a crippled duck would be offended that humans throw around his condition so lightly. And besides that, the term doesn't really make sense. A human lame duck is someone who will be out of power in the near future. A literal lame duck is currently powerless to walk. Who knows, he may even heal up in the future, making him the opposite of a human lame duck. Of course, if the lame duck metaphor is using the word "lame" to mean something that sucks, then I wouldn't feel guilty about the metaphor anymore, since ducks who suck deserve none of my pity. Just like people who suck.

About Me - Penny Smashing Commentary

I like to stand in front of those souvenir penny smashing machines and tell people who walk up, "You know, there are machines that can smash people too."

A Suspenseful Phone Call

He picked up the phone and said, “Hello”…. but there was only silence on the other end. A feeling of foreboding crept through every inch of his body. His knees shook uncontrollably; his lips quivered. His hands became numb, so much so that he dropped the banana he was holding. Wait, that was a banana and not a phone? No wonder no one was talking on the other end!

Not the Bees!

The death of a bee by the loss of stinger is one of the most bittersweet in nature. Death is cold and dark, but they die knowing they protected their queen. They are at peace. That is why I like to whisper to bees that stung me, "I am still up and running, and I am going to kill your queen and steal your honey." Bees that sting me don't deserve tranquility on their death beds. Stings hurt.