Restraining Orders

You know, in my experience restraining orders are just like speed limits in parking lots: they don't really mean anything.

About Me - Hand Washing

I don't sing "Happy Birthday" to myself while washing my hands to ensure I lather long enough, and I have no patience for people who do. You are a time waster in my opinion.

Tortured Soul

I once met a man who told me that his life experiences had left him so jaded and world weary that he just didn't even care about anything anymore. He told me he was so complicated, he was incapable of crying. I told him that was ridiculous, and I slapped him and slapped him until he cried. But then I got to thinking, wow, this guy was so deep that he put up a front all about how he was incapable of crying, and he was so disappointed that I didn't believe him that he started to cry. So I guess he was really that complicated after all.

I know you think it was probably the physical part of me slapping him that made him cry, but you're wrong. It was the mental part. That is why you would make a horrible detective. You lack instinct. And who was this man I slapped? It was none other than John Amos, the dad from Good Times and costar in numerous other influential projects.

Two Kinds of People

Friends, in my experience there are two kinds of people in this world: one kind can be described a certain away, and the other kind can be described the exact same way but with the word "not" inserted somewhere in the description.

Why Peanut Butter is Awesome

I think what makes peanut butter so awesome is that if you have jar open and knock it off the counter, no peanut butter will spill out thanks to its adhesive properties. It is truly a breath of fresh air from the other more spillable things that are kept in jars.