Try Again

You know what I miss? The days when your candy bar wrapper would tell you, "Not and instant winner. Try again," instead of telling me to enter a code on the internet to see if I've won something. I'm a big boy, I can handle rejection. And who ever checks those codes on the internet to see if they won? I never have. With the various secret-coded wrappers I've tossed over the years, for all I know I have held winning wrappers for 6 trips to Hawaii, 3 Ford Explorers, and a walk-on roll as an extra on According to Jim . But I'll never know (although I am pretty sure about the According to Jim one. That just felt like a winner). Cut the nonsense level with me on the wrapper, please.

Kidney Stones

If kidney stones tickled instead of hurt, people probably wouldn’t mind them as much.

Columbus Day

So Columbus Day was this week. Government employees got off work. But why? Columbus didn't even discover America. He discovered the Bahamas and Cuba. Right? And he thought it was India or something.

To find a parallel in another field, that's like some guy trying to design an airplane a long time ago that would fly into space. Instead of doing that, it actually goes underwater and successfully becomes the first submarine. And then years later, the guy gets celebrated by the dental industry for inventing the toothbrush. How does this make sense? I mean, yeah, he invented the submarine... but by accident, and what does this have to do with toothbrushes anyway?

Cell Phones

Cell phones are nice because whenever you are tired of talking to someone, you can just say their name a bunch and act like you can't hear them and then hang up. Believe or not, this was not a valid way of ending conversations before cell phones.

Somebody Say Something

I think it is really funny when someone says something to the effect of "Well, everyone must really like the food!" when an awkward silence occurs at a social dinner.

The More You Know - Separation

You know what separates us from the savages? Ballroom dancing.

About Me - The Three Things

There are three things I take everywhere with me: binoculars, superglue, and a backup pair of binoculars. You never know.

Airport Optimism

Some people complain about all the added airport security checks these days. But do you know who loves going through an airport? Me. I just really like being vindicated.

"Do you have any bombs are firearms in your luggage?"
"No"
"Well, we'll see about that. And walk through that metal detector while your potential bomb bearing carry-on goes through this machine"
Moments later...
"Here you go sir. Your story checks out. You are free to move about the terminal."

Vindicated, sucka!

Identical Doom

If you are an identical twin, probably the worst possible news you can hear is that your counterpart just died of natural causes. You're next, bub.

Bull Honkey

When I was little, my friends and I often used the phrase "Bull honkey!" to let someone know that you didn't believe what they were saying. It was a nice little set of words, but that phrase really hasn't survived all that well. I don't plan on using it at the next meeting at work or anything.

However, about 13 years ago in high school, everyone used to say "Let's get crunk." Then nobody said it. Now people are saying it again. Maybe "Bull honkey" will make a comeback too. I will be ready, just in case.

Pacemakers

I have heard some people say lately, “Pacemakers! Ha! Who needs ‘em?” Well I’ll tell ya who, Buster. People with irregular heartbeats, that’s who!

The Ski Mask Paradox

They should fix ski masks so that crooks can't use them anymore. If ski masks didn’t conceal a person’s identity, then they wouldn’t be used by the crooks so much. But if they didn’t cover a person’s entire face, then people would get cold faces while skiing. And since they cover a person’s face, they conceal their identity. Thus, they are often used by crooks who don’t want people to know who they are. Do you see the problem here? So much for easy fixes in this world!

Lame Duck

Let's talk about lame ducks. I think that a crippled duck would be offended that humans throw around his condition so lightly. And besides that, the term doesn't really make sense. A human lame duck is someone who will be out of power in the near future. A literal lame duck is currently powerless to walk. Who knows, he may even heal up in the future, making him the opposite of a human lame duck. Of course, if the lame duck metaphor is using the word "lame" to mean something that sucks, then I wouldn't feel guilty about the metaphor anymore, since ducks who suck deserve none of my pity. Just like people who suck.

About Me - Penny Smashing Commentary

I like to stand in front of those souvenir penny smashing machines and tell people who walk up, "You know, there are machines that can smash people too."

A Suspenseful Phone Call

He picked up the phone and said, “Hello”…. but there was only silence on the other end. A feeling of foreboding crept through every inch of his body. His knees shook uncontrollably; his lips quivered. His hands became numb, so much so that he dropped the banana he was holding. Wait, that was a banana and not a phone? No wonder no one was talking on the other end!

Not the Bees!

The death of a bee by the loss of stinger is one of the most bittersweet in nature. Death is cold and dark, but they die knowing they protected their queen. They are at peace. That is why I like to whisper to bees that stung me, "I am still up and running, and I am going to kill your queen and steal your honey." Bees that sting me don't deserve tranquility on their death beds. Stings hurt.

No Talk Shows

Why is it that someone can go on a talk show and admit they used to be addicted to illegal drugs and don't get in any trouble with the law, but if I went on a TV show and finally admitted I used to have an addiciton to killing drifters, they would put me in jail? I'm not saying I've had that addiction, I'm just saying.

Bigfoot

In the second draft of the movie script I am writing, in the last scene, the bad guy reveals himself to be... Bigfoot! He was old Sasquatch himself the whole time! Hidden under that costume of human skin was a hairy, mangy beast whose insane blood lust was only outweighed by his yearning to be human! He ends up getting killed by the sheriff with a bow and arrow... but as he falls off the cliff into the lava, he grabs Michelle's dress and tragically takes her with him! In the end, the sheriff loses his evidence of Bigfoot, and his mother is dead, but he comes out of things with a new outlook on life.

However, in the third draft, I dropped the Bigfoot character entirely and replaced him with a robot tiger who could talk. In the fifth draft, I scrapped the whole idea of a "bad guy" and turned it into more of a romantic comedy. I would still like to include that Bigfoot bombshell in there somewhere, though.

Vampires

Do you think vampires are real? The people in the movies never think they are real either. Then their insides get eaten by vampires.

The Death Panel and Me

Some people say the next thing after socialized medicine is death panels deciding who lives and who dies in some cases. But do you know what I say? What's so wrong with having death panels anyway? I mean, someone's got to decide, right? Might as well be an impartial panel. There's only so much medicine to go around, people, public health care or not.

I admit part of the reason I am pro-death panel is because I would definitely apply to be on a panel. That job would be awesome. Holding all these lives in the palm of your hand. If I was the head of a death panel, I would insist we vote with either thumbs up or thumbs down, just like Caesar does in the movies. Also, if your fate comes down to a death panel decision, I think it would be good to have previously been involved with said death panel as a member. It will be a lot harder for them to let you die, having previously been friends. Of course, I have a good personality and people generally like me. For those of you with more abrasive personalities, maybe it would be better to steer clear of all death panel members as much as possible.