Die Before You Die

Try Again

2011-02-21T23:59:00.003-06:00

You know what I miss? The days when your candy bar wrapper would tell you, "Not and instant winner. Try again," instead of telling me to enter a code on the internet to see if I've won something. I'm a big boy, I can handle rejection. And who ever checks those codes on the internet to see if they won? I never have. With the various secret-coded wrappers I've tossed over the years, for all I know I have held winning wrappers for 6 trips to Hawaii, 3 Ford Explorers, and a walk-on roll as an extra on According to Jim . But I'll never know (although I am pretty sure about the According to Jim one. That just felt like a winner). Cut the nonsense level with me on the wrapper, please.

Maybe Put a Laptop in the Casket

2010-11-19T22:51:00.005-06:00

It's funny when people write Facebook messages to dead people. After someone dies, people are always leaving little notes to the dead in tribute groups or at the deceased's wall. Stuff like, "Miss you so much Tom", or, "You were taken away far too early, Stacy. RIP." What makes the living so certain that people can check Facebook in the afterlife? I find it highly dubious. Sorry gang. Facebook, though a powerful tool for connecting with people living on earth, is probably not capable of carrying your messages to the other side. Not even Zuckerberg is that powerful. Your words are just sitting there where living people can see them.

Kidney Stones

2010-10-25T21:13:00.002-05:00

If kidney stones tickled instead of hurt, people probably wouldn’t mind them as much.

Columbus Day

2010-10-14T00:20:00.005-05:00

So Columbus Day was this week. Government employees got off work. But why? Columbus didn't even discover America. He discovered the Bahamas and Cuba. Right? And he thought it was India or something.

To find a parallel in another field, that's like some guy trying to design an airplane a long time ago that would fly into space. Instead of doing that, it actually goes underwater and successfully becomes the first submarine. And then years later, the guy gets celebrated by the dental industry for inventing the toothbrush. How does this make sense? I mean, yeah, he invented the submarine... but by accident, and what does this have to do with toothbrushes anyway?

Cell Phones

2010-09-27T22:27:00.002-05:00

Cell phones are nice because whenever you are tired of talking to someone, you can just say their name a bunch and act like you can't hear them and then hang up. Believe or not, this was not a valid way of ending conversations before cell phones.

Somebody Say Something

2010-08-27T22:53:00.003-05:00

I think it is really funny when someone says something to the effect of "Well, everyone must really like the food!" when an awkward silence occurs at a social dinner.

The More You Know - Separation

2010-07-29T22:02:00.004-05:00

You know what separates us from the savages? Ballroom dancing.

About Me - The Three Things

2010-07-01T19:52:00.003-05:00

There are three things I take everywhere with me: binoculars, superglue, and a backup pair of binoculars. You never know.

Airport Optimism

2010-06-11T21:01:00.003-05:00

Some people complain about all the added airport security checks these days. But do you know who loves going through an airport? Me. I just really like being vindicated.

"Do you have any bombs are firearms in your luggage?"
"No"
"Well, we'll see about that. And walk through that metal detector while your potential bomb bearing carry-on goes through this machine"
Moments later...
"Here you go sir. Your story checks out. You are free to move about the terminal."

Vindicated, sucka!

Identical Doom

2010-05-22T13:37:00.004-05:00

If you are an identical twin, probably the worst possible news you can hear is that your counterpart just died of natural causes. You're next, bub.

Bull Honkey

2010-05-08T19:58:00.002-05:00

When I was little, my friends and I often used the phrase "Bull honkey!" to let someone know that you didn't believe what they were saying. It was a nice little set of words, but that phrase really hasn't survived all that well. I don't plan on using it at the next meeting at work or anything.

However, about 13 years ago in high school, everyone used to say "Let's get crunk." Then nobody said it. Now people are saying it again. Maybe "Bull honkey" will make a comeback too. I will be ready, just in case.

Pacemakers

2010-04-18T19:36:00.003-05:00

I have heard some people say lately, “Pacemakers! Ha! Who needs ‘em?” Well I’ll tell ya who, Buster. People with irregular heartbeats, that’s who!

The Ski Mask Paradox

2010-03-29T21:33:00.002-05:00

They should fix ski masks so that crooks can't use them anymore. If ski masks didn’t conceal a person’s identity, then they wouldn’t be used by the crooks so much. But if they didn’t cover a person’s entire face, then people would get cold faces while skiing. And since they cover a person’s face, they conceal their identity. Thus, they are often used by crooks who don’t want people to know who they are. Do you see the problem here? So much for easy fixes in this world!

Lame Duck

2010-03-13T13:42:00.005-06:00

Let's talk about lame ducks. I think that a crippled duck would be offended that humans throw around his condition so lightly. And besides that, the term doesn't really make sense. A human lame duck is someone who will be out of power in the near future. A literal lame duck is currently powerless to walk. Who knows, he may even heal up in the future, making him the opposite of a human lame duck. Of course, if the lame duck metaphor is using the word "lame" to mean something that sucks, then I wouldn't feel guilty about the metaphor anymore, since ducks who suck deserve none of my pity. Just like people who suck.

About Me - Penny Smashing Commentary

2010-03-06T21:13:00.004-06:00

I like to stand in front of those souvenir penny smashing machines and tell people who walk up, "You know, there are machines that can smash people too."

A Suspenseful Phone Call

2010-02-26T22:36:00.004-06:00

He picked up the phone and said, “Hello”…. but there was only silence on the other end. A feeling of foreboding crept through every inch of his body. His knees shook uncontrollably; his lips quivered. His hands became numb, so much so that he dropped the banana he was holding. Wait, that was a banana and not a phone? No wonder no one was talking on the other end!

Not the Bees!

2010-02-14T22:21:00.002-06:00

The death of a bee by the loss of stinger is one of the most bittersweet in nature. Death is cold and dark, but they die knowing they protected their queen. They are at peace. That is why I like to whisper to bees that stung me, "I am still up and running, and I am going to kill your queen and steal your honey." Bees that sting me don't deserve tranquility on their death beds. Stings hurt.

No Talk Shows

2009-11-19T19:50:00.003-06:00

Why is it that someone can go on a talk show and admit they used to be addicted to illegal drugs and don't get in any trouble with the law, but if I went on a TV show and finally admitted I used to have an addiciton to killing drifters, they would put me in jail? I'm not saying I've had that addiction, I'm just saying.

Bigfoot

2009-11-06T22:11:00.001-06:00

In the second draft of the movie script I am writing, in the last scene, the bad guy reveals himself to be... Bigfoot! He was old Sasquatch himself the whole time! Hidden under that costume of human skin was a hairy, mangy beast whose insane blood lust was only outweighed by his yearning to be human! He ends up getting killed by the sheriff with a bow and arrow... but as he falls off the cliff into the lava, he grabs Michelle's dress and tragically takes her with him! In the end, the sheriff loses his evidence of Bigfoot, and his mother is dead, but he comes out of things with a new outlook on life.

However, in the third draft, I dropped the Bigfoot character entirely and replaced him with a robot tiger who could talk. In the fifth draft, I scrapped the whole idea of a "bad guy" and turned it into more of a romantic comedy. I would still like to include that Bigfoot bombshell in there somewhere, though.

Vampires

2009-10-18T23:45:00.002-05:00

Do you think vampires are real? The people in the movies never think they are real either. Then their insides get eaten by vampires.

The Death Panel and Me

2009-10-08T18:10:00.002-05:00

Some people say the next thing after socialized medicine is death panels deciding who lives and who dies in some cases. But do you know what I say? What's so wrong with having death panels anyway? I mean, someone's got to decide, right? Might as well be an impartial panel. There's only so much medicine to go around, people, public health care or not.

I admit part of the reason I am pro-death panel is because I would definitely apply to be on a panel. That job would be awesome. Holding all these lives in the palm of your hand. If I was the head of a death panel, I would insist we vote with either thumbs up or thumbs down, just like Caesar does in the movies. Also, if your fate comes down to a death panel decision, I think it would be good to have previously been involved with said death panel as a member. It will be a lot harder for them to let you die, having previously been friends. Of course, I have a good personality and people generally like me. For those of you with more abrasive personalities, maybe it would be better to steer clear of all death panel members as much as possible.

Lawnmower Man

2009-09-26T13:27:00.002-05:00

When mowing the lawn, sometimes I feel like a jerk for trying to hold to the property line so tightly. Why not help the guy next door and mow his lawn a little here and there? So last week I purposefully broke the straight line and randomly mowed his side. I thought it proved I wasn't such a stickler for this whole "property line" thing, and it also made my neighbor's job easier next time he mowed. He could skip those patches I hit if he wanted to. Well, my neighbor must be some kind of psycho, because he came out yelling at me and telling me to stay in my own yard. So unappreciative. The guy must be territorial I guess. He needs to be on some kind of medication or something.

But seriously, can you imagine the nerve of that guy to yell at me just for veering out of my yard from time to time to mow spots on his lawn? And then he yelled at me a second time just because I continued to do it immediately after he finished yelling the first time. I guess I thought once he saw how resiliently nice I was, he would change his mind on the issue, so I continued veering. But you know what? In the end, I am glad I mowed it that way, because it helped reveal what a quack my neighbor is.

I'm on a Boat

2009-09-13T21:26:00.004-05:00

It is a scientific fact that every 6 seconds, some white dudes on a cruise ship or ski boat or some other floating vehicle somewhere are singing the SNL song "I"m on a boat!", and they think it is hilarious.

Born To Roam

2009-09-05T12:56:00.004-05:00

According to this article, wolf hunting is now legal in America. Awesome, I no longer have to hide my hobby! If only wolf fighting were also legalized, illegal activities would only occupy 45% of my free time. I really want to get back down to 45%. I feel like anything above that is setting a bad example.

Wizards

2009-08-23T19:10:00.004-05:00

When it comes time to drop each of my kids off at school for the first time, I am going to say where some of their new classmates can hear me, "And remember: no using magic at school." That way, their friends will think they might be wizards or witches attempting to live normal lives among normal people. They will always be watching my kids closely and try to figure out if they are using magic. The classmates will also be slightly afraid of my kids. I think that would add some zest to their school careers.

Rats

2009-08-16T14:28:00.003-05:00

Companies always test products on rats to see if the products are toxic. If the thing makes the rats hair fall out or gives them cancer, then the product is not going to make it to the human market. I think a pretty interesting side effect of this is that if humans go through a mass extinction due to some new food or perfume that is deadly to humans but was safe for rats, the rats will still be able to eat our dead bodies with no ill effect. Because after all, we never put anything in our bodies that would hurt a rat. While it might kill vultures or ants or the other things that normally scavenge on dead meat, the rats won't even lose hair or develop skin rashes from the poison. I'll bet rats get really excited by this possibility. Patience, rats, patience.

Body of Water

2009-08-08T20:00:00.002-05:00

There are some things touted as facts that simply aren't true. One is the lie that the human body is 70-80% water. No it's not. It is mostly bones, blood, organs, and all that gross stuff. You are not going to split me open and find a huge reservoir of water. Come on you bunch of sheep, stop believing everything you read!

Grassroots, Baby!

2009-07-27T21:49:00.004-05:00

So I read this article here about how the Sears Tower is being renamed:

Sears Tower Renamed

As can be expected, the name change has been met with some protest. After all, you hate to see a name as organic and innocent as "Sears Tower" be displaced by something commercial. In fact, according to the article, literally THOUSANDS of people have started a facebook group to protest the renaming. With an entire facebook group against them, how long do you think the new name will last?

Which brings me to my point: as a rule of thumb, when a story cites that a facebook group has started to protest something and then cites that X number of people have joined it, you can pretty much bet the farm that whatever those people are against will go on unaffected by their facebook group. Time and time again this is true. There is no red flag more associated with a lost cause than a facebook group. Gathering people together on the internet to complain together will never change much of anything. It reminds me of a folksy phrase my grandfather used to like to use when he saw something he considered useless: "That's about as useful as an online petition."

Whistler

2009-07-15T21:09:00.004-05:00

When I was little, I had a Nerf football that whistled when it was thrown. I think if footballs whistled on the collegiate and NFL levels, attendance would increase 3%. Also, fans would be encouraged to be quiet like at a golf event so everyone could hear the whistle. Just something for you football bigwigs to think about in case you have to shake things up in the near future.

I Need Oil

2009-06-21T22:01:00.007-05:00

So I went to the mechanic the other day, and I says to 'em, I says, "Hey you. I would like an oil change." So he says to me, he says, "OK. That'll be 24 bucks, pahdna." So what I do then? I go, "Naw, I'm gonna pay you for that oil this a-way." I then pulls outta knife, cuts me hand, and I wiped it all over the guys face, and I says to him, "That outta cover the oil!" Then he punched me in the face and called me a freak.

All this to point out that despite what many people may think, blood is still not a valid bartering item for oil.

Restraining Orders

2009-05-31T13:20:00.004-05:00

You know, in my experience restraining orders are just like speed limits in parking lots: they don't really mean anything.

About Me - Hand Washing

2009-05-24T10:05:00.004-05:00

I don't sing "Happy Birthday" to myself while washing my hands to ensure I lather long enough, and I have no patience for people who do. You are a time waster in my opinion.

Tortured Soul

2009-05-17T18:00:00.003-05:00

I once met a man who told me that his life experiences had left him so jaded and world weary that he just didn't even care about anything anymore. He told me he was so complicated, he was incapable of crying. I told him that was ridiculous, and I slapped him and slapped him until he cried. But then I got to thinking, wow, this guy was so deep that he put up a front all about how he was incapable of crying, and he was so disappointed that I didn't believe him that he started to cry. So I guess he was really that complicated after all.

I know you think it was probably the physical part of me slapping him that made him cry, but you're wrong. It was the mental part. That is why you would make a horrible detective. You lack instinct. And who was this man I slapped? It was none other than John Amos, the dad from Good Times and costar in numerous other influential projects.

Two Kinds of People

2009-05-10T11:50:00.003-05:00

Friends, in my experience there are two kinds of people in this world: one kind can be described a certain away, and the other kind can be described the exact same way but with the word "not" inserted somewhere in the description.

Why Peanut Butter is Awesome

2009-05-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

I think what makes peanut butter so awesome is that if you have jar open and knock it off the counter, no peanut butter will spill out thanks to its adhesive properties. It is truly a breath of fresh air from the other more spillable things that are kept in jars.

Multi-couple Weddings? Why Not???

2009-04-25T00:33:00.003-05:00

Sometime, I really like the way things happen in movies. One thing I love is when more than one couple gets married at a time at the same wedding. Every now and then it just so happens that people are just such good friends that they have to be wed in the same ceremony, as many as three or four couples at a time. I wish I could go to a wedding like that. It would be pretty neat, all the couples looking at each other and laughing and just being the best friends ever. The minister would say something cute like, "You may now kiss... the brides!" and throw his hands up in the air while smiling, basically thinking to himself that this is crazy, but boy is it fun! I just wish that happened more in real life. Oh well.

Femicards

2009-04-11T10:38:00.003-05:00

I thought of a pretty good way to make some money. I will go to Indigo Girls concerts, feminist rallies, and Lilith Fair-type music festivals, and I will sell a deck of cards that I call Femicards. You see, in the Femicards package, the Queen is higher than the King in the power hierarchy. If the chicks are playing poker, a pair of Queens trumps a pair of Kings. I think that sort of thing would give these dames quite a rush. All I have to do is buy a normal deck of cards, but then repackage and advertise them as the deck of cards for the empowered woman. I will then sell them for $20 a pack. I think these crowds of independent ladies will be all over it. They are willing to spend big bucks to prove they are equal to or better than men.

I think I will still leave the ace as the top dog, but I don't think the chicks will mind. Because sometimes it's not the top dog, it's the low dog, and what the heck is an ace anyway?

Hold on a Second

2009-03-28T15:43:00.004-05:00

Whenever your boss walks up to your desk and wants to talk to you about something, a fun thing to say is, "Hold on, let me finish this last set of kegels." Then patiently wait for about 15 more seconds with a look of concentration on your face. Finally, say, "Alright, all done. What is it you wanted to see me about?"

If you know you are in trouble with your boss, this method can be used to buy time so you can think of an excuse. It also can be used just for fun.

Just Give Up

2009-03-21T21:14:00.003-05:00

Remember that lady who sat on the toilet so long that her skin became stuck to the seat? It was about a year ago. She basically grew around the toilet seat and became one with it. Here is a link to refresh your memory:

Woman's skin grows to toilet

Anyway, ever since that happened, I realized something. Every time one of us sits on a toilet, we are initiating the act of becoming one with it. We are bonding to the toilet, just like that gross lady. The only difference is we get up before the union can run its course. Pretty incredible when you think about it. Our skin cells are trying their darnedest to permanently hook up with that seat.

I especially think about this when I spend too much time on a crossword. I say to myself, "Michael, you better get up. You are starting to become one with the toilet. Let it go." This is by far the best argument for me giving up on a crossword. I'll bet that woman who sat on the toilet for two years was doing a crossword the whole time. She probably said, "Darn it, I'm not getting up until I finish this thing." There was probably an entire corner of the crossword that was proper nouns she wasn't familiar with, and she just couldn't get the thing done. I definitely view her as a cautionary tale in my life. Sometimes the best choice of action is to give up.

Psychic Nose

2009-03-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

I have a psychic nose. I can smell things before the scent is actually present. It is a useless gift for the most part. I have offered my services to the police department, attempted to make money with a 1-900 number, and tried to sell my story to Hollywood, but no one is really all that interested in my gift. It makes for a pretty cool party trick, though.

About Me - Range/Change

2009-03-07T00:47:00.000-06:00

When someone shoots a basketball from a short distance and makes it, I say straight to their face, "No range, no change!" and keep the ball for myself.

Colosseum Jenga

2009-02-27T23:11:00.012-06:00

Experts (whatever those are) say that the Roman Colosseum is in bad shape because over the centuries, the Roman's themselves stripped it of all its marble and a lot of its stone. From looking at it, much of it has quite obviously collapsed as a result. The Romans used the stripped parts of the Colosseum and other Roman architecture to build new opulent things, like the whole Vatican set up. It sounds to me like this stone stealing was just a really high stakes game of Jenga. Romans live on the edge, baby. If you are a gladiator and you lose, you often get eaten by an animal or stabbed with a pointy weapon. No second chance at the title belt like today. If you play Colosseum Jenga and you lose, you get crushed by tons of stone and marble. Jenga! Jenga! Jenga! JENGA!

Newman's Own Decomposition

2009-02-19T19:10:00.001-06:00

Perhaps you are familiar with the Newman's Own food company. It was a wonderful company started by Hollywood's Paul Newman, and they make all kinds of things like popcorn, salad dressing, wine, olive oil, salsa, pasta sauce, iced tea, lemonade, cookies, coffee, grape juice, dog food, cat food, youth potions, and other stuff. All profits go to charity. As you can see, the picture above used in all Newman's Own products is a depiction of Paul Newman himself. Rather than make the likeness of Paul Newman's younger more famous Hollywood self, the picture is of an appropriately aged Newman.

Well, unfortunately Paul Newman has now passed away. This presented a problem for the makers of Newman's Own. Should they continue to use this picture, even though it looks nothing like Paul Newman now? Well, through some connections, I have been able to acquire the pictures Newman's Own plans on using in the future.

The company plans on rolling out pictures to match Newman's current state. The shot above obviously depicts an intermediate stage of decomposition on this bottle of their delightful Light Balsamic Vinagrette. Finally, after a few more updates, the company will settle on the picture below.

Opinion is split on whether or not accurately depicting Paul Newman on future products is a good idea. Some actually believe the sight of a decaying body may actually turn people off to these food products. However, Newman's Own leadership is confident that the public will appreciate the integrity of the products. They have always marched to the beat of their own drum, and just because the gutless makers of that Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Buttersworth froze their likenesses in time doesn't mean Newman's Own should follow in suit.

Buttons and Whittling

2009-02-13T20:01:00.005-06:00

Buttons on a piece of clothing should have different distances between them so you know when you've gotten off track. That way, after you get the first button wrong, you would realize you had made a horrible mistake just one button later. It would either be too short to even button, or you would have a big bunch of excess clothing. The days of not realizing your mistake until you've buttoned the whole shirt and ended up with one extra button or buttonhole would be over. If shirts were made this way, I would have saved about 13 days worth of re-buttoning time over the course of my life. What would I do with all that free time? I don't know, probably take up whittling I guess.

Apprehend That Man!

2009-02-08T19:26:00.005-06:00

Whenever I hear a car alarm go off, or that department store stolen goods alarm starts beeping, then I scream at the top of my lungs, "THIEF! THHHHHHHIIIIEEEFFFF! Everyone, there is a thief!!!!" So far, I've only gotten ugly stares from people who have accidentally bumped into a parked car or left the security tag on clothing they just bought, but one day I will be right. And on that day, I better be getting a good citizen medal or something.

Magazines and Doctors

2009-01-28T21:37:00.003-06:00

In a perfect world, the doctor would walk in right after you finished that magazine article you were reading. I hate being cut off before I am done. I want to know if that guy got convicted or if that researcher ever found that artifact or if that football player ever got his money back from that slimy agent.

But I also hate waiting. So you would think I would be happier if the doctor came in in the middle of an article as opposed to five minutes later at the end of the article. What the heck is going on in this world? Some things don't make sense. There's no pleasing some people.

Retirement Plans

2009-01-17T16:12:00.004-06:00

When I retire, I am going to buy and RV and be a storm chaser. However, rather than going somewhere cliche like Tornado Alley to do the chasing, I plan on chasing storms in the Mojave Desert. What can I say? I like the challenge of being a storm chaser in the desert. I got guts.

Just Get Up

2009-01-09T17:28:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I wake up anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours before my regular alarm time because I need to pee badly. Usually, I sit in bed and debate if it is worth getting out of bed to do my business. This usually just wastes time, because I have to get up eventually due to the pain. I don't know why I sit there and think about it. It's not like I've ever regretted getting up and going. Usually, I crawl back in bed real cozy thinking, "Ahhhh, much better."

Unfortunately, my wake-up self has almost no relation to my normal self. When I think about this person, it is not really me; it is another version of me. It is like me in an alternate reality. If only there was a way to cross the barrier and communicate with this person, kind of like how some wish they could give their younger selves advice. If I could talk to this version of me, I would tell him, "Don't debate, just get up and pee. You always end up doing it anyway. And you have NEVER ONCE REGRETTED IT!" If only.

A Christmas Tradition

2008-12-26T15:00:00.005-06:00

If you are looking for a new Christmas tradition to celebrate with your family, then I've got the thing for you. It's a Santa Clause pinata. Can you believe they make this? It is great. This is a wonderful way to give the children confused feelings about Santa. You get the pinata and pummel it in front of kids. They will enjoy the candy that comes out, but they will be horrified that Santa is being pummeled. They will associate beating up Santa, the symbol of generosity at Christmas, with getting yummy candy. Their mixed feelings will haunt them for years. It will probably make them go to therapy, too.

Well Then Try This Face

2008-12-18T20:05:00.005-06:00

So you guys seen this whole face transplant stuff? Crazy.

Face Transplant Story

According to the article, this is the "first near-total face transplant in the United States."

They are mistaken, however. This was not the first face transplant. Those who watched Knight Rider should know that Michael Knight received a face transplant. That was in the 80's. Then in the 90's, I recall a couple of guys actually switched faces. One was a cop going undercover with a bad guy's face, so the bad guy stole the cop's face. It was crazy.

Either way, these people really need to check their facts before they write stuff.

Where Does One Get an "I Blogged" Sticker?

2008-12-14T18:47:00.003-06:00

When I voted in November, I got a sticker with the words "I Voted" on it. It also had a nice little American flag. It'd be kind of cool if we got stickers for a lot of other stuff we do. Like maybe restaurants could hand out "I Ate" stickers, and bathrooms could have "I Pooped" sticker dispensers. You could take pride in your "I Passed a Kidney Stone" or "I Stopped Bleeding" sticker you received from the hospital. If you are brutally honest, you could wear things like the "I Was Divorced" sticker you received from your ex-spouse's lawyer, or the "I Cried Myself To Sleep" sticker your roommate gave you after that night you thought he was asleep. Hey, it's you, be proud of who you are!

First of all, this is good because stickers are awesome, and second of all, we will all know a lot more about each without having to ask as many questions. I hate it when people I just met ask me too many questions. Just read the sticker!

About Me - Thighs

2008-12-05T18:02:00.001-06:00

I give myself deep thigh massages with bottles of oil from Bath and Body Works that costs me 32 bucks a pop.

A Special Thanksgiving Thought

2008-11-30T12:20:00.004-06:00

You know, this last Thursday I was thinking of all the things I am thankful for. So I got to thinking about venomous snakes. Did you know that the venom of a baby snake is tons more potent than the venom of a full grown snake? Isn't that something else? It's an enhanced defense mechanism or whatever. Anyway, I am thankful that human babies aren't incredibly venomous. Can you imagine how dangerous they would be? Who would want to take care of them? And boy, breast feeding would be twice as dangerous! Nothing is healthier for a young baby than mother's milk. I imagine if their children were venomous, quite a few ladies would pass on the breast feeding thing. So I am thankful that the human race doesn't produce venomous children.

How to Not Save Time

2008-11-25T17:59:00.003-06:00

I walked into a a take-out place the other day, and I decided I would do something different to save myself some time. Instead of locking my car door, I left the sucker unlocked. I would be able to see my car the whole time, so I didn't fear someone meddling with it. I figured it would be much quicker because I wouldn't waste time fumbling for my keys with the to-go food in my hand. I love saving time!

Well, my plan worked perfectly for a while. I got in my car, put the food in the passenger seat. Sweet, I didn't have to spend any time unlocking the door! But then, I needed to start the car. My keys were still in my jeans pocket. Since I was sitting down, I swear it took me about 30 seconds and much arching of my back to get the keys out. Time saved: -13 seconds. Certainly not the advantage I anticipated. I just guess that goes to show, you should never change up your routine, because change is bad and screws everything up.

After I wrote this blog entry, something seemed familiar. I did some searching, and I found some advice I should have listened to:

What Genius Wrote This?

If I had listened to that guy, I could have saved myself some time.

What Low Gas Prices?

2008-11-22T21:44:00.004-06:00

I just met a recently thawed dude who had been frozen in ice in 2003. He has no idea about the junk that has gone on with gas prices the last few years. He is showing zero appreciation for the current price drop. I wish he would at least act excited.

Pour Some Sugar

2008-11-14T22:43:00.005-06:00

You know those people who take pride in not adding sugar or creamer to their coffee? Who the heck do they think they are? Why is this considered a badge of honor to them?

Oooooo, you are so bad. You don't need any sugar or creamer. How bitter it must taste! But you don't care because you are so tough! I'll bet you sleep on a bed of nails at night, don't you?

Just stop acting like you are more of a man than me because you don't add sugar to coffee. There is nothing unmanly about sugar. Sugar tastes great. In fact, judging by how much larger you are than me, I am guessing you too enjoy sugar via other means than coffee. So just wipe that haughty look off your face and drink your coffee and don't think you are better than me because you don't need sugar and creamer. Got it?

When Hadrons Collide

2008-11-07T14:42:00.006-06:00

Perhaps you have heard about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It is going to accelerate particles and we will learn some stuff supposedly about bosons or something. Well, there are some people who are worried that this thing may destroy the Earth. Some of the theories are described here:

How We're All Gonna Die From The Large Hadron Collider

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to listen to these bunch of sissies. There is nothing to be afraid; trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have a Small Hadron Collider (SHC) in my basement that has never given me a bit of trouble. I have been operating it for years now. Sure, it released a couple of demons from an alternate dimension, and it managed to give my dog wings, but the overall effect has been minimal. It is most certainly not Earth threatening (unless the demons suddenly decide to eat Earth instead of children). So sleep well, your Earth is not ending.

Domino's Receipt

2008-10-30T20:01:00.005-05:00

When I pick up my pizza at the nearby Dominoes, they do something crazy with my credit card receipt. I sign the white copy, and it does that thing where it also signs the yellow copy underneath. You would think the customer would get the yellow copy, wouldn't you? Wrong. The person is always all like, "No, you keep the white one." Why do I need the white one with my real signature? That's the one you need, lady! I know what my signature looks like. I can give myself an autograph at anytime. I will never be in need of my own original signature. I will never take some document to the courthouse and be told, "Wait, you need to sign this," and then freak out because I don't have my signature on me. I can make a new one. I won't say, "CRAP! I left my signature at Dominoes! Just hold on and let me go get it!"

So Dominoes, really, just take the white copy like everyone else. Okay?

Broad Daylight

2008-10-23T12:16:00.002-05:00

You normally hear the term "broad daylight" when something bad has happened. You know, like, "An elderly woman in a Kroger parking lot was slapped in the face and sprayed with butter flavored Pam in her eyes by a teenage assailant in broad daylight today." I don't think this is fair. It gives broad daylight a bad reputation. You know, a lot of good things happen in broad daylight, too. For example: I watered my plants in broad daylight last week. I hugged a child in broad daylight yesterday. I ran over a teenager with my car in broad daylight today, and I am pretty sure he is dead.

Now, I know what you are thinking: running over and killing a teenager is a bad thing that is more in line with the regular usage of "broad daylight." Well, this kid was holding a spray can of Pam, and I am pretty sure he is the one who assailed that old lady. I was a representative of justice today, and if that's not good then I don't know what is.

More Arguing Tips

2008-10-15T21:48:00.001-05:00

A good line to use when arguing, even when it is not true, is "You just made my point." This statement is very frustrating and disconcerting to the other arguer.

Me vs Mosquitoes

2008-10-02T18:25:00.005-05:00

I have been outdoors a bunch the past few days, and I have about 15 mosquito bites. Despite this, in the overall War for my Blood with the mosquitoes, I think I am still winning. I have a ton of blood left in the ole tank. However, I am losing badly in the War to Make Each Other Itch.

May The Shrimp Never End

2008-09-20T17:20:00.003-05:00

Has anyone noticed we are in the middle of the "Endless Shrimp" promotion by Red Lobster? Does anyone also find it odd that the promotion ends at the conclusion of this month? Maybe a more fitting name can be found.

About Me - Gas Pumping

2008-08-14T20:13:00.002-05:00

When pumping gas, I am quite good at predicting when the pump will have a printing error and say "See cashier for receipt."

Another Reason for a Cyborg Registry

2008-07-28T21:18:00.002-05:00

Can people with pacemakers be classified as cyborgs? If so, should we go ahead and round them up now or wait until they try to take over? Man, I think the right answer was given in the movie Minority Report, but I can't remember what Tom Cruise told me it was. Better go ahead and lock 'em up to be safe.

Batman Begins to Offend Me

2008-07-20T20:48:00.003-05:00

If I was ever at Bruce Wayne's mansion for a dinner party, and he called me sycophantic, I think I would be pretty offended, even if I don't know what sycophantic means. And no, I wouldn't accept some hairbrained apology like he wanted me out just because Raz Alboohoo or someone was about to burn his house. There are just some things you don't say, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Mothra vs The Sun

2008-06-14T14:31:00.002-05:00

Moths and other flies that love to hang around lights at night just don't get it. There is a freaking huge light during the day that you really can't miss. It's called the sun. Once you go sun, you never go back to porchlight. These guys are clueless.

The Phantom Hands

2008-04-29T20:30:00.003-05:00

Last week I was in a restroom, and the automatic sink didn't turn on when I put my hands under the faucet. I took it in stride tried another one. The second little laser using device didn't work either. This was too much of a coincidence, so a question arose in my mind: ARE MY HANDS BECOMING INVISIBLE?

How does one know when he or she has become invisible? Can you still see yourself? I am not familiar with the physics of invisibility, but it was pretty obvious the automatic sink could not see me. What will life be like as an invisible man? Can I still keep my job? Will I be ridiculed? Will I spend the rest of my days stealing old ladies apple pies that are cooling on window sills and doing other sly things most invisible people do? Or will I stay honorable and only use my invisibility for good? Then, my boss walked in and said, "What are you doing? You have a really weird look on your face. Why are you staring at your hands?"

Was it possible my boss can see invisible people? It would be reasonable to believe my boss got the supervisor job because of some sort of special powers. I decided I would try one more test. I put my hands under the automatic hand drier, and it turned on! Well, either the invisibility was temporary or I never really was invisible. I will never be sure what exactly happened that day. My boss mentioned something about hoping I didn't try to flush the toilet because the water was turned off for pipe repairs or something, but I was skipping out of the restroom, too excited to pay much attention to the lady. Oh yeah, did I mention I was in the women's restroom? I guess that information really isn't pertinent.

Heartfelt Advice

2008-04-07T23:12:00.001-05:00

If you need someone to talk to about all this stuff going on, you know, you should probably talk to me or a close friend or something. You know, really air it out and get some things off your chest. And if you don't have any close friends to talk to, then you should probably kill yourself. Because if no one likes you and you don't have any real friends, then what's the point of living anyway?

Bullies

2008-03-18T19:42:00.003-05:00

Contrary to what is taught, bullies usually have very high self esteems. When you are in control of other people and can dominate them like a bully can, usually your last problem is self esteem. In fact, the people who usually have low self esteems are people who get picked on a bunch. It makes sense when you think about it.

In a related story, when people used to make fun of you, it wasn't because they were just jealous or something like that. It was because they thought there was something about you worth making fun of.

So there you have it. Your parents and teachers lied to you. Bullies don't have low self esteem and the person making fun of you wasn't jealous. To add insult to injury, they are probably a lot more successful than you now, too.

About me - Noodles

2007-11-06T23:23:00.000-06:00

When making pasta, I am quite proficient at estimating how many uncooked noodles I need to yield the proper amount of cooked noodles.

Free Candy

2007-10-22T17:06:00.001-05:00

Were you disappointed when you realized the snack machine has a contraption that keeps you from stealing candy? Yeah, me too. You look in that window and you don't see anything stopping you from getting all that candy. Then you push open the door and it all closes up. One minute, you think you just figured out how to get free candy, and then the next minute you were back to asking your mom for some change. And of course she says, "No, you've had enough candy today. You'll rot your teeth or get a tummy ache." Come on, mom!

Regibald The Handless

2007-10-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

At work, sometimes we have an "All Hands Meeting." These meetings are a bit of a slap to the face to Regibald, my no-handed coworker. He lost his hands in an unfortunate accident at a lawn mower hugging competition. So is Regibald not invited since he doesn't have any hands? He doesn't feel invited. He just cries, and I don't blame him. But I still make fun of him for crying, because that is what you should do to men who cry about stuff, even if they don't have any arms and have a good reason to cry.

A Punt

2007-09-19T18:26:00.000-05:00

Do you guys remember when you were little and throwing a football in a somewhat small area, like a backyard? You'd be throwing it, and one guy would be like, "OK, I'm going to punt it," and everyone else is like "No No No! Don't punt it!" and the other kid is like "No just let me do it. I will kick it straight." Then the kid kicks it off the side of his foot and it goes over the fence almost every time. Spectacular. Now someone has to climb the fence because of this guy. Great, there is a pit bull over there eating our ball. Why are you practicing punting????? We knew this would happen!

Can't Get The Red Off

2007-09-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

Some things you will just never know, like how did they clean the Kool-Aid stains on a wooden spoon before there were dishwashers?

I Started The Mississippi. What Have You Done?

2007-08-25T11:11:00.000-05:00

One day, I plan on starting the Mississippi River. How will I pull that off? Simple. I will go up to Minnesota where it officially begins, and I will pee in it. For those few seconds, I will be the great initiator of one of the most powerful rivers in the world. Aim high, kids, and one day you may be like me.

House Divided

2007-08-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

I want to start a line of "House Divided" car tags that can be custom made. I got the idea when I saw a House Divided tag and it was Georgia Tech and Auburn. I mean, maybe 50 years ago that was a rivalry, but its not exactly the coming together of two opposites any more. So I was thinking maybe you could do like a house divided with Auburn and Boise St, or pretty much any random team. Or do it with a college and high school, like with Auburn on one side and maybe Jefferson High on the other.

But my favorite idea is to do it with completely non sports related stuff, like having a house divided between David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. That would be awesome if you saw a car with that on it. "My wife loves Diamond Dave, but I am a Sammy guy. Somehow we make it work." Guns 'n Roses fans could get a Axl/Slash house divided. You could do Star Wars Empire/Rebellion or Obi-Wan/Vader, or you could do Imus/Rutgers Girls Basketball, or Anniston/Jolie, Michael Vick/PETA, or pancakes/waffles, or naked spelunking/clothed spelunking, or ham/turkey, or Zack/Slater, or whatever you want. Those of you in broken homes can do a house divided: Mom/Dad one. Or perhaps a hurricane or earthquake victim who lost half their house literally could just have a house divided tag with a picture of their destroyed house. The possibilities are endless here, people. Whatever you want your house to be divided between, I'll make the tag.

Poison Control

2007-08-08T23:28:00.000-05:00

If I worked at Poison Control, where people were always calling me about spider bites, snake bites, or swallowing different chemicals and so on, I would always throw a silver lining into the conversation. I would say, "Well, if it was radioactive, then maybe you will at least get some super powers out of this whole thing." I think that a poison victim would appreciate that positive outlook.

Did I mention I would also refuse to study the poison manuals or whatever they use? I would just wing it. I would tell every person who called me that they would be fine, just get some rest and take Benadryl. You know, I probably would only last a couple of weeks at this job, but the callers who survive would probably give me really good ratings on their feedback forms. The dead would give me no ratings at all. So you probably think I will keep my job, don't you? After all, I have really awesome ratings! Well you're wrong. Poison Control management doesn't even look at the ratings.

A Plague Market

2007-07-16T23:09:00.000-05:00

History teachers are always trying to tell you how horrible the Black Plague was in Europe back in the day, how it killed a ton of people in horrible ways, blah blah blah. Despite all the bad publicity from these naysayers, though, the bubonic plague did have some positive aspects. Just think how easy it would be to buy a bunch of land after 1/3 of the continent is dead. There would be entire estates just totally wiped out that you could pick up for real cheap. Yes, economists generally agree that the best time to buy real estate is not when interest rates are lowered, but instead when there is a horrible plague going around killing a bunch of land owners. Why don't history teachers talk about these positive aspects of the plague more? Because history teachers don't fundamentally understand real estate, that's why.

Bugs Up On Me

2007-06-27T23:50:00.000-05:00

If bugs knew how many of their brethren I have already killed, then they would probably stop landing and crawling on me. Of course, they will never know, because who is going to tell them? The dead bugs I have already killed? No, not them. They are dead now.

A True Story

2007-06-18T00:59:00.000-05:00

I used to work as a painter. One time I painted an entire house with clown makeup as a joke. I thought it wouldn't last, but it turned out to be the most durable paint job I had ever done. What house exactly did I paint with clown makeup you ask? Well my friends, it was none other than Buckingham Palace. It just goes to show you that sometimes things work out.

Chicken

2007-05-22T22:03:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago, I slept outside of a Chick-fil-A store before it's grand opening so that I could get a year's worth of free Chick-fil-A. This translated to 52 coupons for a free combo meal. So I ate a ton of free Chick-fil-A food for awhile there. After the coupons were gone, I was pretty sick of Chick-fil-A. Nowadays, I am still not keen enough on the place to pay to eat there. But since I still have to eat there from time to time, I just order my food and run away with it without paying. That never works extremely well, because I only run as far as the sweet indoor playground. That is because my daughter climbs up and slides down The Eat-Mor-Chikin'-Play-Apparatus about 403+ times every time we are there. That's why I only steal on day shift when all the old ladies are working, because I can take three of them at a time (as long as one of them isn't Estelle) . So basically, I am still eating free Chick-fil-A.

Life Intstructions

2007-04-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Also, fart like no one is smelling.

Horsepower

2007-04-24T17:05:00.001-05:00

Horsepower is supposed to be like the power of one horse. I am guessing it is the average power of a large pool of horses tested or something like that. That would mean that some horses can pull more than 1 horsepower, and some can't. Within the horse community, I imagine it is pretty embarrassing for a horse if he can't provide 1 horsepower. I mean, it's a horse! Of all things, you would think he would be the one who could give you one measly horsepower. What a loser!

In a related story, riding a cowboy does not actually in any way save a horse. Don't believe everything you hear.

When Warmth Is Bad

2007-04-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

As much as it might sting to sit on a cold toilet seat, you really don't want to sit on a particularly warm one in a public restroom. There is just something gross about following someone else's act that soon.

Sam's Samples

2007-04-04T11:35:00.000-05:00

One time I went to Sam's Club, and I made my way to the back to check out the free samples. If you have ever been to Sam's and you are not my wife, then you know that these free sample eating at Sam's is just one of life's great treats that should not be missed. But I get there, and every single sample station is unmanned! I kepts searching frantically, but nothing! I started to lose it a little bit, and I headed to the back corner for one last shot. If there was nothing in the back corner, then I was about to start chunking the twelve gallon jugs of peanut butter at the workers and dropping the 48 bottle packs of IBC Root Beer on people's heads. Unbelievably, they did have one booth set up. It was mini corn dogs. I ate one and it was not very good, but it was a free sample, and that itch in my mind had been scratched. A disaster was avoided, but it was a close one.

About Me - Wind

2007-03-23T12:55:00.001-05:00

One of my best features is that I have a tremendous second wind.

A Percentage

2007-03-10T09:42:00.001-06:00

I used to be in the fast food business when I was in high school. One time when I was manning the register, I took this dude's order. I gave it to him, but he was all like "No, I also ordered fries!" (In a side not, after working fast food for awhile I realized that whenever you think you ordered something, you actually didn't. You had merely planned on ordering it. Think about this the next time you give a dirty look to a register jockey and say, "I am pretty sure I also ordered such and such." No you didn't, liar!) Anyway, I say to the guy "That will be 99 cents" (maybe 96 cents, maybe 86 cents, I can't remember, don't focus on whether or not it was really 99 cents).

So the guy drops his jaw and says to me in a disgusted voice, "Well great. Now I have to pay taxes on both orders." I had to think about it for a second, because though his complaint sounded ridiculous, I still needed to do the math in my head to be sure. So after a second or two, I said, "Uhhh.... actually tax is done as a percentage, so you are actually not going to pay any more than if you had ordered them together." The guy just looked at me, still disgusted, and said "Yeah, whatever," while shaking his head. He didn't believe me; he just wanted his fries and thought I was making stuff up to not look so bad for costing him an extra 8 cents. Man, that guy was an idiot. I should have chased after him and explained percentages to him. If only I was 15 again and had the chance. That's life, man: missed opportunities.

An Adage

2007-03-03T23:45:00.001-06:00

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The exception to this rule, of course, is amputation.

Take This Tag

2007-02-28T13:24:00.000-06:00

At college, you always see these homemade ads people put up where they want to sell a puppy or get a subleaser or buy a kidney or this or that. They make the bottom of the page just a bunch of precut tags with a contact number on it, so that you just pull the tag and call them later when you get some time. I have found that a good way to give someone false hope is to tear off all the tags. They think to themselves, "Awesome! Look at how many are gone! Surely I will get some calls tonight and get a deal done! Cha ching!" Then, nothing but silence as they sit by the phone all night.

The Re-Quartering Fairy

2007-02-25T00:05:00.000-06:00

One time I was downtown, and I parked at a meter and only put money in for an hour. Eating lunch and whatnot ended up taking more than an hour, and I was quite worried when I walked back to my car. I have spent a good deal of money on downtown parking tickets. Those meter maids are quite the vultures. By the way, if it is a dude, do you still call him a mater maid? I think I would prefer to be called a meter butler. Nonetheless, when I got to my car, the meter was actually up to an hour and a half! I didn't do this! It must be some kind of do-gooder out there. That guy or gal is awesome.

I have actually thought about being the Re-Quartering Fairy before, but never really had the funds or guts to go through with it. It would be fun to foil the meter maids and butlers for a day, going around putting quarters in nearly expired meters ahead of the evildoers so that they can't give out any tickets. They would hate that so much! Well, someone actually did it for me, and it totally made my day. Of course, it was actually probably just the person next to me putting money in the wrong meter, and that person more than likely ended up with a parking ticket. I like to believe it was the Re-Quartering Fairy, though, because it makes me feel good. And I think the Re-Quartering Fairy wears a mask, a utility belt, a cape, and green and purple tights with the letters "RQF" drawn in pink over a rainbow on his chest, because that is the sort of things superheros wear, and the Re-Quartering Fairy is a super hero in my mind.

Simply The Worst

2007-02-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

The most annoying thing is that line on your socks being to the side or on the bottom of your foot. That thing goes on top, man.

Under Siege

2007-02-11T16:04:00.000-06:00

When I was shopping over Christmas, I saw that different stars' movie collections were being sold in the DVD section, such as Clint Eastwood and Elizabeth Taylor collections. They were packed with five or six of the best movies of each actor. Well, next to some of the other collections, there was the Steven Seagal Collection. Wow. Does anyone really need more than one Steven Seagal movie? Even just one of his movies might be pushing it. But if you do have the one, are the others really all that different? It's a guy who is supposed to be awesome at fighting but moves relatively slowly, he is attacked by a bunch of henchmen with limited martial arts skills (albeit one guy at a time), and he saves a chick or something, and he displays acting skills that normally wouldn't land a kid a supporting role in a middle school play. They gave this guy his own "collection"? Are you kidding me? You are going to buy all six of his "best" movies? Who are you?!! Your brain should be studied in an institution when you die to figure out what went wrong. I can't believe you just bought the Best of Seagal.

About Me - Car Cuisine

2007-02-07T17:54:00.000-06:00

I like to eat messy foods such as barbecue ribs and steamed crab legs with that butter dip stuff while driving, just to prove I can.

Enterprise

2007-02-04T23:26:00.000-06:00

Have you ever seen those Enterprise Rent-A-Car commercials? They always end with some nice, peaceful music, and some dude saying "Enterprise: We'll pick you up." While the dude is saying this, there is a car wrapped up in paper driving around some beautiful scenery. What you don't see, however, is the rest of the story. Since you can't see through paper, the dude driving the car was basically blind. Right after the shot they use on the commercial, the dude drives right off the side of a 400 foot ledge. He had expressed concern earlier in the day about driving in a car whose front windshield was covered up, but he figured the money was good (better than what he was making as a quality control officer at the local Huddle House, and not quite as dangerous either), and he could probably remember when to turn right and left.

The going theory, though, is that if you are going to die falling off a cliff in a car, it is best to do it in an Enterprise wrapped up car, because then you don't know exactly when you are going to hit. I disagree with that theory. I think I will like to know when I am going to hit. That is part of the fun. I guess that is why it is just the going theory and not the going fact.

Self Checkout Drama

2007-01-21T15:52:00.000-06:00

There is nothing more nerve racking than the self checkout line. You are at Wal-Mart or some other grocery store, and you see it has the shortest lines. You take your 30 items there, and you start pulling them out of your cart and scanning them. Then you become aware of all the people standing in line behind you. You feel the need to hurry. You have an orange you have to look up, but you don't know if it is a naval orange or a valencia orange. You sit there and think, but then you start hearing the sighs of the people behind you. Just pick one. You just picked the cheaper one, didn't you? You continue with your groceries. Uh oh, something isn't scanning right! Error! Push the button, call for assistance! Oh, how you wish you could tell the people behind you it's not your fault. It's not! Finally, it's all settled and you are ready to go. It's just not worth it. It took you twice the amount of time waiting in a cashier's line would have, and you just peed your pants.

Magic In My Car

2007-01-15T19:46:00.000-06:00

Currently, my daughter's toy magic wand is somewhere underneath the passenger seat of my car. I don't really think about it when I get in, but after a drive around for a little bit I do. That is because on hard turns or fast stops or something like that, I hear it make its sound: "Brrrrllllinnnggggggg (ascending from a lower note to a higher note. It is pretty hard to type the sound a magic wand makes, so I guess just make up your own sound in your head. If you have never heard a magic wand, then pretend it is a magical cow's moo or something. Getting the sound right is not important)." I usually hear this sound maybe one out of every three trips in the car.

Anyhow, whenever I hear the sound randomly, I like to think something magical is actually happening somewhere around me. I check around the car for magic, then look out my windows, then in the car again, then I look at myself in the mirror to see if the magic happened to me, then I slowly accept that nothing magic happened this time either. It never happens. But still, I think it is nice to have that hope. I guess that is why I still haven't removed it from under the seat just yet, because it is nice to think that you are witnessing some magic, if only for a little while.

Actually, I am still not convinced there is nothing magic going on. I think I am probably just missing it every time. It's all about focus, man.

Be Careful Jack Bauer

2007-01-11T21:06:00.000-06:00

In honor of the return of the television series 24, I would like to call to attention some of the innocent victims Jack Bauer has taken out. No, not all those terrorists he is always wasting. They deserve what they get. I'm talking about all the brain damage that guy has caused. Concussions are nothing to play with, my friends, and you just know that some of the people Bauer has knocked out probably are permanently impaired. I mean, the guy knocks out at least two good guys an episode when he goes out on his own against orders (which is about 75% of the series). He needs to do stuff that the good guys won't let him do, so he has to go around whacking people in the head so that they are knocked out. I'm telling you, a lot of those people are going to have to deal with dizzy spells and loss of memory for the rest of their lives. That ain't cool.

Widescreen Nonsense

2007-01-08T15:40:00.000-06:00

Widescreen high definition televisions are all nice and good when you are watching something that is both high definition and widescreen. However, I am pretty sure everyone who owns one of these is at least half retarded. Now I know some of you reading this may actually have one of these, so listen up: if you are watching regular TV, just because your screen is totally full does not mean you are seeing more picture. No, all you are actually doing is stretching a full screen picture in to a widescreen picture, and it looks stupid. Everyone is now short and fat on your TV. Is Star Jones hosting the Tyra Banks Show now? Did they preempt America's Next Top Model with The Biggest Loser again? I have no idea, just because you want to show off how much screen you can fill on your silly television. Stop it!

About Me - Behavior Philosophy

2007-01-02T15:12:00.000-06:00

I do not advocate rough-housing.

Sacred Eves

2006-12-26T09:20:00.000-06:00

Let me just start by saying my wife is not a Hooters restaurant fan. So December 23, we were driving to the mall to buy a Christmas gift or two. On the way, we drove past a Hooters establishment where the parking lot was pretty full. So my wife says in disgust, "I can't believe these people would go to Hooters on Christmas Eve Eve!"

Now, the point of this story is not whether or not your should go to Hooters. The point of this story is that my wife created a new holiday: Christmas Eve Eve. If it is that easy to make the day before a holiday its own special day, like Christmas Eve, then why not keep adding "Eves" until you get to December 26, almost a full year before Christmas? That way, every day would be a little more special. My wife's instinct to come up with some crazy reason to have more distaste towards the patrons at Hooters might actually be the greatest idea ever said by a person in my car in the last week or so.